School for Scoundrels Page #3

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Tap on the window.

"Officer, Officer, please,

"please, if I get

one more ticket,

my dad's gonna kill me,

all right?"

I say to him,

"Kid, please, if I don't

give you this ticket,

I ain't gonna make my quota. "

And he's...

He was mad.

What is he, a pimp now?

Give me a dollar;

I want a Danish.

You know what?

I'll take that.

No, whoa, whoa, Roger.

What the hell

are you doing?

I always get

the last Danish.

You know how it works.

Well, too bad.

I'm hungry.

Roger...

I will kill you.

Give me back my

cherry Danish.

Hey, is that the

new Star magazine?

Thanks.

It's supposed to be

a great issue.

What, did you forget to take

your medication this morning?

No, Zack.

You know what?

I have a little something

called pride.

Remember that.

Ooh...

Who gets the last

cherry Danish?!

Zack does!

Zack what?!

Zack gets the last

cherry Danish!

Yeah, that's right!

Yo, that's what

I'm talking about!

d You got a reaction,

didn't you? d

d You took a white orchid... d

Evening,

Mr. Schultz.

Time for dinner,

all right?

d Something better than nothing

is giving up d

d We all need to do something d

d Try to keep the truth

from showing up d

d How dare you d

Give me that.

d How old are you now, anyway? d

Hey, keep it down, huh?

I'm trying to read the paper.

What'd you just

say, homey?

How would you like

to die, man?

No, uh...

how would you like to die?

What?!

Hey, come on, man.

What the hell

is he doing?

Honey... honey, I...

d You took a white orchid... d

Hey!

This is not cool.

Why would he bring us

all the way out here?

All I know is, last night,

I tried getting tough

with my roommate.

He kicked me out.

I had to sleep in a Kinko's.

Yeah, well, I stood up

to a guy at my work,

and he gave me

a swirly.

Hey, no way.

I got a swirly, too.

Hey, I'm-I'm sorry.

What exactly

is a swirly?

It's when someone dunks

your head in the toilet

and then flushes it

on your face.

Totally rocks your world,

but not in the good way.

Oh.

I received one

of those as well.

"I'd like to move out

of my mother's basement

and up into the main house. "

Wow, you're shooting for

the stars, aren't you, Walsh?

"My goal is to make

another $3,000 a year. "

Well, let me tell you

something, Ernie.

This class is five grand-

you're already behind.

"I want my wife

to stop abusing me. "

Jesus Christ, Diego,

you got to be shitting me.

I thought those questionnaires

are supposed to be confidential.

News flash:

I lie.

Now, in those bags

are 15 semiautomatic

high-powered paintball guns.

Pass them out.

You will

trust no one.

It is time to kill

or be killed.

Um, what are

the teams?

There are no teams- it's

every man for himself.

No helmets?

No helmets,

no goggles,

no nothing.

And if that's

not enough,

somewhere out there

in those woods,

Lesher's there,

just waiting.

It says here to maintain

a minimum distance

of 100 feet between

shooter and target, though.

Oh! My God!

Now, does anybody else

want to read

their gun?

Huh?

Uh, when do we start?

Now.

He already shot me!

Are you guys a

bunch of retards?

Spread out!

d d

d d

My eye!

Walsh!

- I'm sorry!

- My eye!

I'm so sorry!

It's okay! I'm here!

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Are you okay?

Gotcha.

Never trust anyone.

I thought we

were friends.

You know what

Dr. P says:

"Friends are just obstacles

that stand between you

and success. "

Touch.

DIEGO:

Not so fast, gentlemen.

Looks like we got

ourselves a situation.

What are we gonna do?

Every man

for himself.

You know the rules.

Well, well, well.

What do we have here?

Looks like you three are

in a pickle, doesn't it?

Throw your weapons down.

Now!

Eyes off me!

Eeny, meeny,

miny, moe...

What you looking at, man?

Don't look at me.

Dude, this is not cool.

No talking.

Haven't you done

enough to us already?!

Oh, I don't know, ladies.

You know what?

It's gonna get a whole lot worse

before it gets any better-

understand that.

What more are you

planning to do to us?

Who knows?

I just tend to go

with the flow.

Let's just see where

things take us.

I tend to get very,

very creative in these

type of situations.

Hey, Lesher.

I shot Lesher!

Whoo!

d I used to be

such a sweet, sweet thing d

d Till they

got a hold of me d

d I opened doors

for little, old ladies d

d I helped the blind to see d

d No more Mr. Nice Guy... d

Roger!

Whoo!

Hey, Roger.

Roger!

Dr. P wants

to talk to you.

Alone.

You wanted to see me?

Congratulations.

You did well today.

I'm impressed.

Oh. Thank you.

Who knows?

Maybe one day, I'll

teach the class.

What was your name again?

Roger.

Right. Roger.

So tell me, Roger,

why did you sign up

for this class?

Well...

it's kind of

complicated.

What's her name?

Um... Amanda.

She lives in

my building.

What does she do?

Well, she's

Australian...

She works as an Australian?

No, uh...

Sorry, I'm kind

of nervous.

That's okay.

Relax. It's all right.

Um, she's a grad

student, and...

she volunteers at

an animal shelter.

Jesus, that's

an easy takedown.

You don't even need me.

It's a slam dunk.

Well, nothing's ever

a slam dunk for me.

Listen to me, Roger.

You did good today.

You became the hunter,

and you set

your sights on Lesher.

Now you have to set

your sights on her.

Roger, there are two types

of men in this world:

those who run sh*t,

like me,

and those who eat sh*t,

like you.

I don't think

I could sleep tonight.

I'm too pumped.

I'll sleep, but not until

well after midnight.

You know, I think maybe we're

all turning a corner here.

I know you are;

you're his golden boy.

- Yeah. -What were you guys

talking about for so long?

Just stuff.

Dr. P is a pretty

cool guy.

For the first

time in my life,

I actually feel

like I have a shot.

Things are going

to change.

I can feel it.

I know what I'm

going to do.

I'm going to leave

that b*tch.

I'm going to walk out the door

and start over.

I don't care

if she is my mother,

there's a million other

basements in this city

that I can live in.

I'm a good man,

and I

deserve respect.

If they won't

give it to me...

then I'm going to take it.

I'm ready to live

the life that I deserve.

The life we deserve.

To the life we deserve!

Whoo!

I'm gonna need

another beer.

All right.

Time to start running things.

Got to take what's yours.

Life is my b*tch.

I'm gonna be a lion.

A lion with balls-

lots of balls.

What are you doing?

Uh, nothing.

I was just about to knock.

I heard you say "balls,"

like, ten times.

Um, can I please

speak with Amanda?

Why are you

breathing so hard?

Ugh! It's gross.

Could you please

just get her?

Amanda,

Roger's here,

and apparently,

that's more important than

an international call

to your parents.

Yeah, all right.

All right,

we'll talk later.

Love you. Bye.

Hi.

Hi. Um, so...

Are you okay?

Yeah. I'm... fine. I'm...

So I was just wondering, um...

if you...

have...

What's wrong?

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