School for Scoundrels Page #4

---

Roger!

Sure you're okay?

Yeah. I'm fine.

I just pass out sometimes.

Happens, you know?

Nice picture.

That's perfect.

Is that my wallet?

What kind of license is this?

I- It's a C-1.

It's mandatory for operating

a parking rover.

C- Can I please

have it back?

That is sad.

Becky, please.

Can I get you

some water or something?

No. You know what?

I really should

get going.

You guys have done so

much for me, and...

I... I don't want to be a

bother anymore, you know?

Yeah, but are you

still dizzy?

I- I don't want you

to take another fall.

No. I'm so used to it.

It happens so often.

Um... Um, but...

there's this thing

I wanted to ask you.

Um... do you want to go

have dinner Friday

night with me?

Well, that depends-

if we go out,

are you gonna face the door

the whole night, or...?

No. I can face you.

Then, yeah, Friday it is.

Really?

Are you sure?

Want to talk me

out of it?

No...

You're right, I-I

should get going.

Thank... thank

you so much.

Yeah, okay.

Um... thank you.

All right.

Th-Thank you so much.

Bye.

This, um...

wine is really good.

Mine is very tasty, too.

Good.

So where did you say

you were from again?

Keep whistling, I'm

gonna bite those lips

right off your

goddamn face.

Sorry.

Cindy,

stay in the moment,

honey, okay?

I'm sorry, what was that?

I really like your hair.

It's...

Wrong answer.

Excellent.

Okay, now who can tell me

what Eli did wrong?

Walsh.

He complimented her.

Correct.

He complimented her.

Which is one

of our rules:

no compliments ever.

Okay, let's review.

"Always get the girl alone. "

We work one-on-

one, people.

You separate the

prey from the herd.

Next.

"Lie, lie, lie some more. "

Yes, until you have

something real to

offer, you lie.

You lie about

everything.

Yes.

What if you're looking for,

like, you know,

a real girlfriend?

Can we please just get

everyone laid first?

I swear, if one of you

gets an handjob out of this,

I'm a miracle worker.

Okay, Cindy's ready for

another date. Who's up?

Come on, faggots!

Who's next?

Yeah, you know how it is.

I think I can do some good,

maybe volunteer

for five hours a week.

And then, all of a sudden,

it's a full-time job,

making exactly

zero dollars a year.

Ah, I'm sorry.

I'm babbling.

Shut up.

No, no, it's okay.

It's so funny-

I- I parallel those values.

Sorry?

Oh, I mean, that's something

we have in common.

You complain a lot?

No, I mean...

the, um, volunteering.

I volunteer at

the Big Brothers program.

Ah, no way.

Yeah, in fact, I'm kind of

the top brother at the place.

All the kids look up to me-

it's pretty cute.

That's great, Roger.

My brother could have used

someone like you growing up.

Really?

Yeah, uh, it's just...

my father walked out on us when

we were little, and, you know,

it was especially

hard on him.

Right,

right, right, right.

Yeah, I can relate to that

in a big way.

You can?

Yeah.

Um...

'cause, you know, my...

my father walked out on us, too.

Wow.

Hey, you okay?

Huh?

Oh, um... yeah.

I'm fine.

Yech.

Yuck...

- What?

- Can't look.

That. It's the worst.

Who wants to see

your dinner...

alive ten minutes before

you're gonna eat it?

It's gross.

Huh.

You know what

they say?

That when you

boil lobsters,

you can actually

hear them scream.

How sad is that?

d Set me free, little girl d

d All you got to do is

set me free, little girl d

d You know you can do it

if you try d

d All you got to do

is set me free d

d Free, free d

What's up?

d Set me free, little girl d

d All you got to do is

set me free, little girl d

d You know you can do it

if you try d

d All you got to do is d

d Set me free, free d

d Free, free d

We got to go.

Why? What happened?

Nothing. Get your coat.

d Set me free d

Taxi!

d Oh, set me free,

little girl... d

Ah, the East River.

Every lobster's dream.

Go north, little man.

It's only 400 miles

to Maine.

What?

Just you.

Careful.

You're supposed to

be my shy neighbor.

Since when do you

do things like this?

Since always.

You just never really knew me.

Yeah, I guess I didn't.

Wow.

My head's spinning.

You're not gonna pass out

on me again, are you?

No. Seriously.

Everything's spinning.

I might be allergic

to some of those weeds.

I feel a little dizzy.

Uh, maybe you're

just a little drunk.

No.

That couldn't be it.

Oh, my God.

Have you ever been

drunk before?

Please. Are you kidding me?

Try, like, every weekend,

ever since I was 11.

Whoa, whoa!

Okay.

Keys. Can I have...

Hey, hey.

Can I have the

keys, please?

Come on, come on.

Nice. Thank you.

Ow!

Ow, ow!

Okay, okay.

Yes, bed!

We made it.

Yes!

Thank you so much

for coming.

Can I get you anything?

No, I'm okay, I'm okay.

You sleep.

Oh, man.

Hey. Hey.

Look into my eyes.

We're not

spinning, okay?

We're very, very still.

Yeah.

I have a question.

Do you think I'm a lion?

What?

Do you think I'm a lion?

You know...

Um...

do you want

to be a lion?

Yes.

Very much.

Then, yes, you are a lion.

Now go to sleep.

I had a nice time tonight.

Hey, Amanda.

I totally love you.

Okay, that's nice.

Good night.

d Yo, yo, the dog is here d

d Where the hood, where

the hood, where the hood at? d

d Have that

in the cut d

d Where the wood at? d

d All them acting up,

where the wolves at? d

d You better bust that

if you gonna pull that d

d Where the hood d

d Where the hood,

where the hood at? d

d Have that

in the cut d

d Where the wood at? d

d Oh, them acting up,

where the wolves at? d

d You better bust that

if you gonna pull that d

d Yo, yo, yo, yo-yo, yo-yo d

d Yo-yo, yo, yo-yo d

d Don't know

what it's gonna be d

d Messing with a dog like me,

D to the M d

d To the X, last I heard d

Hell you doing here, boy?

Oh, hell, no!

Those are my sneakers.

What?

My standard-issue New Balances.

You're wearing them,

and I want them back.

Whoa, whoa.

Look, I got this.

- Nah, nah, I'm getting him.

- I got this.

I got this.

You got to shoot him, right?

You're right.

My bad.

How about instead of your shoes,

I give you a standard-

issue beat-down

in front of all

these nice people, huh?

The boy done slipped

and fell into a pile

of ass-whupping, y'all.

You're not understanding me.

Nobody steals my sneakers.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,

hold on a minute.

Did you say he

stole your shoes?

Yes, ma'am.

You told me you won

those shoes at a raffle.

I- I did.

It was a different

kind of raffle.

Wasn't nobody else

there but me.

You're lying.

Give him back

his damn shoes

before I beat the

black off you.

Mama, not in front

of all my people...

Shut up.

Don't make me

start praying, boy.

What the hell

you want to wear

meter maid shoes

for anyhow?

Don't you have

any self-respect?

Lawrence was

there, too.

He shot...

Get your behinds

home now.

Ms. Washington...

Now!

Yo, that's embarrassing.

Punked out. Yo, B.

Excuse me, do

you work here?

Sorry?

I told you-

the man's a genius.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes