Scott Pilgrim vs. the World Page #7

Sounds like someone

wants to get funky.

I can read your thoughts. Your

will is broken. You're through.

What say we drink

to my memory?

Fair trade blend

with soy milk?

I'm sorry,

but that's pathetic.

Dude, I can see

in your mind's eye.

You put half-and-half

into one of those coffees

in an attempt to

make me break vegan edge.

I'll take the one with soy.

Thanks, tool.

Actually, muchacho,

I poured the soy in this cup.

But I thought real hard

about pouring it in that cup.

You know, in my mind's eye or whatever.

What are you talking about?

You just drank

half-and-half, baby.

Freeze! Vegan police!

Vegan police!

Todd Ingram, you're under

arrest for veganity violation,

code number 827,

imbibement of half-and-half.

That's bullroar!

No vegan diet,

no vegan powers!

But it's only

my first offense.

Don't I get three strikes?

I mean...

Take it.

At 12:
27 a.m.

On February 1st,

you knowingly

ingested gelato.

Gelato isn't vegan?

It's milk and eggs, b*tch.

On April 4th, 7:
30 p.m. You

partook a plate of chicken parmesan.

Chicken isn't vegan?

The de-veganizing ray.

Hit him.

Oh, my God!

No. No.

You once were a vegone,

but now you will be gone.

Vegone?

Yeah!

Yeah!

Sorry, I guess.

Sorry?

You just headbutted my

boyfriend so hard he burst.

You kicked my heart in the

ass, so I guess we're even.

Natalie.

Natalie? No one

calls me that anymore.

Maybe they should.

Let's get out of here.

For the record, I am so

pissed off for you, right now.

Shut the up, Julie.

Okay.

We're still going to

the after-party, right?

I'm not sure there's

going to be much of a party.

I think a third of the band

just went "poom.' '

Yeah, cool bands never go

to their own after-parties.

Just the desperate people trying

to rub elbows with the label guys.

Then why would we... Oh.

Neil, you down?

Scott, you're in, right?

You wanna go?

Well, I kind of

almost died back there.

I'm not saying

I want to go.

Yeah. We can totally go.

I'll do whatever

you want to do.

So, let's go.

We really don't

have to go to this thing.

It'll probably be

a bad scene all around.

No, I'm fine.

It's just...

It's just...

Well...

Have you ever dated someone

that wasn't a total ass?

So far,

you're not a total ass.

But I'm part ass?

If it makes you feel better,

you're the nicest guy I've dated.

Wait, is that good?

It's what I need right now.

But not later?

Scott, I don't have

all the answers, okay?

I'd just like to try and

live in the moment if I can.

I'd just like to live.

Look, I know

Todd was bad news,

but are you saying

Envy wasn't?

We all have baggage.

Well, my baggage doesn't try

and kill me every five minutes.

What did you do to make

your ex-boyfriend so insane?

Exes.

Whatever.

No breakup is painless,

somebody always gets hurt.

What about you and that girl,

Knives? Who broke up with who?

I believe

I broke up with her.

And was she cool with that?

Knives is with Young Neil now.

She's totally cool with it.

You sure about that?

Yeah, she's very mature

for her age.

We had a very

healthy breakup.

We're all peaches and gravy.

No!

What about you and Kim?

Me and Kim?

I can barely remember.

It was high school.

She had freckles.

That's it?

Yeah, it kind of ended.

We changed.

That's really

the whole story?

Okay, fine, I had to fight

a guy to be with her. Okay?

I fought a crazy,

and I had to fight

He was flying and shooting

lightning bolts from his eyes, okay?

And I kicked him so hard that he

saw the curvature of the earth.

Does that make

you feel any better?

Well, now you are being a

total ass. Welcome to the club.

I'm sorry.

I'm not usually like this.

Hey, don't worry. I don't even

know what I'm like anymore.

I think this ex-boyfriends

thing is messing with my head.

Exes.

Why do you keep saying that?

The girl from earlier?

Roxy?

You know this girl?

Boy, does she know me.

What is she talking about?

He really doesn't know?

Wait.

Hmm?

You and her?

It was just a phase.

Just a phase?

You had a sexy phase?

It meant nothing. I didn't

think it would count.

It meant nothing?

I was just

a little bi-curious.

Well, honey,

I'm a little bi-furious.

Do that again

and I will end you.

Back off, hasbian.

If Gideon can't have you,

no one can.

The League has spoken.

Well, then Gideon best get

his pretentious ass up here

because I'm about to kick yours

out of the Great White North.

Wallace?

Uh-huh?

This is happening, right?

Oh, yeah.

Kick her in the balls.

I'm sending you

back to Gideon

in a thousand pieces,

you slag!

Ha!

I'd rather be dead

than go back.

He's a creep,

you're a b*tch,

and you all deserve

each other.

Give it a rest, Ramona.

This is a League game.

Meaning?

Meaning your precious Scott must

defeat me with his own fists.

I don't think I can hit

a girl. They're soft.

You don't have a choice.

Fight your own battles,

lazy ass!

Lazy ass!

Every Pilgrim reaches

the end of his journey.

Some sooner than others.

Your BF's about to

get F'd in the B.

Her weak point is

the back of her knees.

Wait, how does that work?

Whenever we were making out I would just...

Okay, enough.

You'll never be

able to do this to her.

So...

Two gin-and-tonics, please?

I thought you didn't drink.

Only on special occasions.

Why? Did you want one?

Guess we really don't know that

much about each other, do we?

Maybe you could just give

me a list of all of your exes

so that I can at least know who's going to

beat my ass

into the ground next.

Like a handy little laminate or

something? Let me see if I have one.

Maybe we could

exchange our information.

Hey, just out of sheer

curiosity and concern

for my mortal well-being,

is there anyone at this party

that you haven't slept with?

I think we should split.

As in get out of here,

or as in split, split?

I'd hope you could

figure that out.

Or did you miss the part

where I saved your ass?

How could I? I feel like we just

washed our sexy laundry in public.

Dirty laundry.

You're drunk.

I had, like, one drink.

I'm sorry I cared. I don't enjoy all

this, Scott. In fact, I'm sick of it.

I thought you might be

more understanding.

I just...

You're just another evil ex

waiting to happen.

That was harsh.

That was not good.

That was embarrassing.

One more.

P.S. Here's your stupid list.

Matthew Patel, Lucas Lee,

Todd Ingram, Roxy Richter.

Who the hell are

the Katayanagi Twins?

Oh!

You don't know?

The Katayanagi Twins

just happen to be

the next band in the battle.

They are totally bad-ass.

Ramona dated twins?

Apparently.

At the same time?

You know what?

I don't know

and I don't want to know.

Good. Because you know how I feel

about girls blocking the rock.

Good, I play better

when I'm in a bad mood.

If it's gonna be

an issue though,

Young Neil can

fill in for you.

It's not an issue.

You know bands,

I know battles.

We got it covered.

But we'd understand if you

didn't want to take part.

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