Scott Pilgrim vs. the World Page #6

so on the list.

Caramel macchiato

for Pilgrim.

So, that was Envy.

Uh-huh.

What happened

with the two of you?

Do you mind if we don't

get into it right now?

She wanted to move

to Montreal,

because she missed

her best friend.

This guy, Todd.

And two weeks later, they were

sleeping together, I guess?

Basically.

Dated a Todd once.

Didn't end well, either.

I can see how it sucks. Having

the past come back to haunt you.

Is it wrong that I try

not to think about it?

What do you want

to think about?

How warm

my place is right now.

Oh.

And you didn't bang her?

Are you gay?

I couldn't stop thinking

about my stupid ex-girlfriend.

Is that

the Uma Thurman movie?

Scott, just because Envy is back

in town doesn't make it not over.

Double negative.

It's tricky.

It's over. Move on.

Word.

Right. I'm not going

to let her toy with me.

From this moment on,

I will think of

Envy Adams no more!

I have distressing news.

Is it news that we suck, because

I really don't think I can take it.

No. The Clash at Demonhead are

doing a secret show tomorrow night

and Envy asked us

to open for them.

I hate you.

A gig is a gig,

is a gig, is a gig.

Maybe you can put

your history aside

until we get through

this thing, for the band.

For the band?

For the band?

Can't we do our...

For the band?

Can't we do our

own secret shows?

All our shows

are secret shows.

We're doing it.

G- Man might be there.

We play the next round

of the battle on Tuesday.

We have to get some buzz

going. We need groundswell.

We need stalkers.

What would you do

if your ex was in a band

and they wanted you

to open for them?

If my ex was in a band?

Mmm-hmm.

Might be a little

awkward, but maybe

it's the grown-up

thing to do.

Yeah. We're all

adults here, right?

Oh, my God!

He's dating

a fat-ass hipster chick!

I hate her stupid guts!

He only likes her because she's

old. She's probably, like, 25!

She's just some fat-ass

white girl, you know?

I think you mentioned

she was fat.

She's got a head start.

I mean, I didn't even know there

was good music until two months ago!

Hey, this really burns.

You should rinse.

When I got this idea, I just

thought, "I have to do it!"

I can't hear

anything you're saying.

Oh, God! I look so

good.

Ramona Flowers

stole my Scott.

But I know

how to get him back.

How?

Come on, come on

Thank you,

we were Sex Bob-Omb.

Yeah!

We have some merch

at the back, so...

Okay, bar? Now?

Level with me.

Did we suck?

I don't know. Did you?

She has to go.

She knows we suck.

Hey, Ramona.

Hey.

What the hell?

Hey.

Hey, Scott.

What the hell?

Look who Knives is

hanging out with.

Who is

that girl again?

Scott dated her.

Briefly, briefly.

How old is she?

I gotta pee on her.

I mean, I gotta pee.

Pee time.

And then it was time

for Toronto to drown

in the sweet sorrow

of The Clash at Demonhead!

Envy! Envy!

That guy on bass...

Oh, yeah

...that's Todd.

I know.

Oh, yeah?

You know?

Oh, yeah!

Oh, no.

Hello, again,

friend of a friend

I knew you well

Our common goal

was waiting for

the world to end

Now that the truth

is just a rule

that you demand

You crack the whip

Shape-shift and trick

the past again

Send you my love on the wire

Lift you up, every time

Everyone

pulls away

from you

That was...

That was devastating.

Oh, my God.

Just, oh, my God.

Yeah, you should see them

live. They're much better live.

I think I'm gonna throw up.

I can't even believe

I'm saying this,

but Envy Adams would like

you all to come backstage.

All of us?

Did I stutter?

Wait, how do you know Envy?

Scott dated her.

Hey, Ramona.

Hey, Todd.

It's been awhile.

Mmm-hmm.

Mmm-hmm?

I think we should

get out of here.

So, how was the tour? You

guys play with the Pixies?

You're like a superstar now.

Yeah, it's not really

something I can put into words.

Um, Envy...

I read your blog.

So, Scott and Ramona, eh?

What of it?

You guys make a cute couple, you know?

Suit each other.

You're my role model, Envy.

Ramona, I like your outfit.

Affordable?

Envy, I was just gonna say did

you get those jeans in New York?

I'm talking to

Ramona right now.

Ramona lived in New York.

Did she?

I was just there. Played the

Chaos Theatre, for Gideon.

You know him, right?

I've kissed the lips

that kissed you!

Knives!

What?

I'm not afraid

to hit a girl.

I'm a rock star.

Oh, my God!

You punched the highlights

out of her hair.

He punched the highlights

out of her hair!

You are incorrigible.

I don't know

the meaning of the word.

So, you guys doing anything

fun while you're in town?

Fun? In Toronto?

That's it! You cocky cock!

You'll pay for your

crimes against humanity.

My neck.

Your hair.

Didn't you know?

Todd's vegan.

Vegan?

It's not really

that big of a deal.

No kidding.

Anyone can be vegan.

Ovo-lacto vegetarian maybe.

Ovo-what?

I partake not in the meat, nor

the breast milk, nor the ovum

of any creature with a face.

Short answer,

being vegan just makes you

better than most people.

Bingo.

Hey, man, question.

I always wondered, how does

not eating dairy products

give you psychic powers?

Okay.

You know how you only use

That's because the other 90%

is filled with curds and whey.

Did you learn that

at Vegan Academy?

Go ahead and

get snippy, baby.

If you knew the science, maybe

I'd listen to a word you're saying.

If I peed my pants, would you

pretend I just got wet from the rain?

It's not raining.

Oh.

Then why don't you

give me the Cliff Notes

on how and why you ended

up dating this A-hole.

Is that really

important right now?

Well, if there's a key

element in his backstory

that's gonna help me out in a

critical moment of not dying, yes.

I was only dating Lucas until

the minute Todd walked by.

Guess that's not very nice, but

I used to be, kind of like that.

We hated everyone. We

wrecked stuff. Nobody cared.

He punched a hole

in the moon for me.

It was pretty crazy.

A week and a half later

he told me

his dad was sending him

to Vegan Academy,

so I dumped him.

Have you dumped everyone

you've ever been with?

You've never been

the dumpee?

Look, I've dabbled

in being a b*tch.

It's part of the reason

I moved here.

I was really hoping to

just leave it all behind me.

Hey, lovebirds...

We have unfinished business,

I and he.

He and me.

Don't you talk to me

about grammar.

I dislike you, capisce?

Tell it to the cleaning lady on Monday.

What?

Because you'll be dust

by Monday.

Um...

Because you'll be

pulverized in two seconds.

And the cleaning lady,

she cleans up dust.

She dusts.

So, what's on Monday?

Because it's Friday now. She

has the weekends off, so...

Monday. Right?

Basically, you can't

win this fight.

You're gonna have

to give up this girl,

because Todd's

gonna kill you.

You used to be so nice!

Scott, we're gonna go

to Pizza Pizza for a slice.

Call us when you're done.

He'll be done.

Real soon.

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