Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse

Mind if I do a quick mop?

You're shouting.

What?

- I can come back later.

- No, it's fine.

Just don't touch anything.

"Just don't touch anything."

Dickbreath.

You want a Tic Tao?

All right. I'll take that as a no.

Oh. Come on.

Oh...

What the hell happened to you, dude?

Dod? What the f***

kind of name is Dod?

on!

Go, go, 90, 90. 90-

Come on!

No! Oh, no, no, no. Reset, reset.

Oh, sh*t. Oh, sh*t.

Dod! Come on!

Clear! Accept! Accept the motherf***er!

Sh*t. Okay. All right.

Urn...

I'll do CPR. Yeah.

All right! Some Takis Fuego.

Come on!

Come on, breathe, dude!

Oh, sh*t! Oh, hell, no.

Okay. All right. All right. Come on, Dod.

Come on. We got this.

Please, come on, Dod!

One, one thousand!

Two, one thousand!

Ah!

No, no, no!

No, no, no!

Come on.

Ah!

You are kidding me.

Oh, crap.

Why?

ROGERS". You know

what's cooler than cool?

ALL". Scouting!

Action!

Hi, there, guys.

My name is Scout Leader Rogers.

And I'm here to show you

what scouting is all about. Come...

Being a Scout is about

the bonds of friendship.

Check it out!

These Scouts are on their way

to earning a Bow and Arrow Badge!

Badges are the Scouts'

highest symbol of achievement.

Scouts can earn all sorts of badges.

What's cooler than cool?

ALL". Scouting!

All right, are you in or are you in?

Hey, listen, there's free

cookies every Friday.

We do sing-alongs on Saturdays.

It looks great on a college application!

I love this tragic ritual.

Someone's gonna sign up, guys!

We have to keep trying!

Augie, a unicorn's

gonna fly out of your ass

before somebody joins.

Carter! Language.

Yeah, he's right.

Nobody's ever gonna sign up.

It's just a waste of time.

Ye of little faith.

Where's that Scout spirit?

Look, guys, we're not gonna

quit trying just because

we lost a couple hours

sitting around on our butts

with nothing to show for it.

I mean, some people

spend their entire lives

and have nothing to show for it.

Well...

I think we all know

it's Augie's special night.

After years of hard work and dedication,

he will receive the highest

honor of a Scout,

the Condor Badge,

in a ceremony at tonight's campout.

Okay. Let's see.

Carter.

No! No, no, no, no.

I always dig the shitter.

It's called a latrine, not a shitter.

All right, Ben, you're on wiener duty.

That's enough.

Carter, nobody eats a hot dog like this.

All right. Ben, why don't you

lead us in the Scout Oath?

- Come on.

- All right.

To live courageously,

to help others when I can,

defend what I must, so help me God.

Scouts forever!

Scouts forever!

Scouts forever.

Scouts forever.

Forever!

Ben, we have to tell Augie.

- I know. I know.

- We're ditching Scouts.

Yeah, we'll tell him.

We've been talking

about it for over a year.

I know.

We just have to find the right time.

Okay, we'll do it tonight, then.

No, we can't tell him tonight.

He's getting his Condor Badge.

He's been working toward this

ever since he joined Scouts.

You know how much it means to him.

Especially since his dad can't be there.

It's been two years, Ben.

We can't just stay in Scouts

because we feel sorry for him.

Come on, that's not the only

reason we're staying in Scouts.

Come on, you've had fun.

Had fun, okay? Past tense. Had.

And now I am ready to move on.

I mean, you realize

it's gonna be junior year next year.

I mean, you know

what that means, right?

We start thinking about college.

We start thinking about p*ssy, Ben!

Come on. Junior year is when

all the girls become sluts.

- Oh, really?

- Yes.

And if we're sitting here

in these Scout uniforms,

it's gonna be

the male version of a chastity belt, Ben.

Oh, sh*t. Sh*t.

What the f*** was that?

Holy sh*t. Oh, my God.

Oh, sh*t.

Dude, that scared the sh*t out of me.

Yeah, me, too.

No, like, literally, a little sh*t came out.

Dude, stop.

Jesus Christ. You hood-f***ed Bambi.

I didn't mean to!

It wasn't my fault, Carter!

It was just standing there!

Oh, sh*t.

Oh. Damn it.

Great. Just awesome.

Is that a spare for your bike or the car?

Sh*t. My dad's gonna be so pissed.

Carter, where are the other lug nuts?

How should I know?

I've been sitting here doing nothing.

Yeah. I noticed.

Oh. Dude, that's my sister.

Kendall! Kendall!

Hey!

Hey.

Can you help us?

- Catch!

- Ow!

- Jeff!

- What?

I said, "Catch".

I thought he had it.

- Sorry, bro. It's my bad.

- Yeah.

Are you guys okay?

I mean, what happened?

We hit a white-tailed deer. It was huge.

Yeah. We were just driving,

and then it was like, boom!

You guys hit a deer? That's awesome.

Nope, not awesome. Are you kidding?

Nothing awesome about it.

Look at my car.

What's up, Chloe?

- Hey...

- Hey.

- Carter.

- Carter!

Yeah. I sit behind you in Spanish class.

Oh, gracias.

So, I'm really down with this

whole little Scout uniform

you guys got going.

All these little patches and stuff.

Actually, Ben and Carter have been

Scouts together since, what,

you were like six, right?

- Yeah, yeah. A long time.

- That's awesome, man.

Ben's like my little brother.

Yep. That's me. Little brother Ben.

Hey, Jeff!

All right, well.

Sorry about that face again.

Hey, are you going to the party tonight?

What's up?

Yo! Aber-blow-me and B*tch, man.

What's up? Hey.

Always coming up with good ones.

Listen, I was just talking

to Carver here, and...

Carter.

- I came up with a great idea.

- Really?

Hit me. What do we have?

How'd recruiting go?

Oh, the usual. Yeah, no one joined.

I think it's just a big joke at this point.

It's not a joke.

I think it's really cool

you guys have stuck with Scouts.

One day you're gonna look back on this

and you're gonna be

really happy you did it.

Okay. Thanks.

Looks like the deer made out

better than your car.

Yeah. Wait, what? What do you mean?

Well, where is it?

It's right over there.

Holy sh*t! Holy sh*t, man!

You dick. What's wrong with you?

Dude. Dude, okay. You're never

gonna believe what happened.

Hey, you sure you guys

don't need a ride?

No, we're good.

See you boys tonight.

Hey! See you tonight, man!

All right? All right?

Bye, Chloe! Bye!

What are you talking about, tonight?

Dude, you are never going

to guess what happened.

We got invited to the secret

senior party, man. Look.

Who cares? Look, the deer is gone.

What about the deer?

Dude, f*** deers, man!

We are going to the secret party, man!

Come on!

I'm gonna f*** Chloe.

I'm gonna f*** Chloe.

Ben, come on.

This is the chance of a lifetime.

Okay. I mean,

quit acting like you don't want to go.

Of course I want to go. I do.

But it's Augie's big night.

He's getting his Condor Badge.

We can't miss the ceremony

or he'd never forgive us.

Okay, look, hear me out.

We go to the campout,

and when Augie and Rogers fall asleep,

we will sneak out and go to the party.

Carter...

We'll be back before dawn,

it'll be like we never even left.

I don't know. It just sounds...

Ben.

This could be the night of our lives.

Please.

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