Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse Page #2

All right. I mean, I guess we could try.

- Okay.

- I love you.

You're amazing. Thank you!

Whoa! What the hell?

Hi, Mrs. Fielder. Hi.

Your garbage cans were

blocking my driveway again.

Had to move them myself,

which is no easy task

with a herniated disk.

Okay, great.

You tell your father to keep his trash

on his side of the property.

Okay, we'll do that, Mrs. Fielder.

Thank you.

All right, thanks. Yep.

Can you just move right there?

Thank you. Bye!

Jesus Christ.

You old hag! Okay. Thank you.

She is so annoying.

Oh, my God.

Can you imagine living next to that?

Oh, my God. Dude,

how many cats does she have?

Dude, who knows. She probably rubs

Fancy Feast on her cooch

and lets them all go to town.

What?

Meet me here at 5:30 and then

we'll go to Camp Womp Womp.

Then we'll go to the party. All right?

- All right? All right.

- All right.

See you soon, man.

All right. See ya.

Oh, litterbugs.

Come on.

Biotine?

How'd you get way out here?

Well, Peter Morris, finders keepers.

Hello?

Hello?

What's wrong with you?

You A-wipe!

C- word! All the other words!

Oh, doodle!

That's my lucky knife!

Teach you to mess

with Scout Leader Rogers!

So we're just gonna

walk in there like this.

No I.D.'s, just buy some beer?

Just give me the $20, fool. Come on.

Cough it up.

Any day now. Come on.

Hang on. It's Velcro. It takes a second.

Watch a pro.

Hi, sir. How are you today?

Hey, baby.

Oh, nice. Great plan, Carter.

Just give the money to a drunk bum.

That'll work.

Yeah!

Just the cheap stuff.

Did you see Officer Hottie?

No. I was too busy

watching you lose 20 bucks.

Okay, I gave him

very specific instructions.

He's gonna buy us a couple of six packs,

and he can keep the change.

Jesus.

Whoa.

Holy sh*t, dude. That's her.

What? Who?

It's Denise What's-her-face.

She went to our high school.

She dropped out a couple years ago.

Now she's a stripper.

How do you even know that?

She's a legend.

What the f*** is he... Jesus Christ.

Sir!

I'm not paying for these items.

Sir?

- Sh*t!

- Oh, uh...

It's okay. I got it. Seriously, I got it.

F***ing ghetto-ass bag.

Here.

What are you doing?

It's a sheet bend knot.

It's impossible to break.

You're pretty handy.

Thanks.

Get out.

- Nice legs.

- Huh?

Costume party?

Oh, no, I'm...

I'm a Scout.

Like an actual Scout?

Yeah, well. We got a campout tonight.

So you work across the street?

Yep. Glamorous, huh?

Yeah. I mean, I've never been in,

but I hear it's nice.

It's got a good Yelp review.

- What?

- Nothing.

You're just... You're really cute.

Thanks.

Come on, Carter.

Please tell me

you did not ask that guy to buy you beer.

No, it was his idea.

Rookies.

Where are you...

I need my $20 back.

It's not all yours.

You're dirty. Look how dirty...

Here.

Thank you.

Thank you. Here.

Oh, my God. Thank you.

You're the most amazing person ever.

Thank you.

Yeah. Thanks.

It's cool. And thanks for the help, Legs.

Yeah.

Dude, what the f*** was that?

Oh, my God.

I would tongue-pound

her salty walrus any day of the week.

BENZ Oh, sh*t.

- He's staring at us.

- Go.

Dude, I thought you said

that Kendall broke up with that Jeff guy.

Dude, I thought so too.

It's like, one moment, they're together

and the next moment, they're broken up.

So he's a dick.

It's like no doubt...

Hey, guys!

Hey, what's up?

All right. Campsite is halfway set up.

- Nice.

- Great.

- What's up?

- What's up?

What's up?

Oh! Too slow. Too slow, buddy.

Where's Scout Leader Rogers?

He was supposed to be

here to help me set up,

but so far he's a no-show.

That's weird. He's never late.

Yeah. Maybe he quit Scouts.

Quit Scouts? Yeah, right.

That's hysterical!

Want to know what I think it is?

I think it's a test.

A test?

Well, yeah.

I'm getting my Condor Badge today.

I have to prove that I'm ready.

Yeah, and check this out.

I'm charting diets for

the Animal Study Badge

and I walked right into that.

- What is this?

- It's deer scat.

Oh, dude! What the f***, man?

Carter! I needed that!

You needed that? It's sh*t, Augie!

No one needs sh*t!

I need it!

I've been looking all week for it.

Oh, God. It's gonna be a long night.

Just feeding it through, in and out.

Oh, yeah.

There you go.

- Good job, bud.

- I did it!

What the f***, man?

Was that your ass?

Beans? Weenies?

Why do we always

have to eat welfare food?

Because we're camping, Carter.

What do you want?

Something artisan.

Something that doesn't make me

fart every five seconds.

Shut up. Quit being such a b*tch.

Augie? Augie?

Hey, Augie!

Use my lighter.

I'm not gonna get my Fire Making Badge

using a lighter, Carter.

- Just use it.

- No!

- Why?

- 'Cause!

Augie.

Augie, just use it.

You can get it next time.

What the f***?

Why the hell can't I get service?

Carter, we're in the woods.

I always get service up here.

Maybe Mother Nature wants you

to put the phone away, Carter,

and be in the moment.

Oh, is that what Mother Nature wants?

Maybe Mother Nature wants this.

F***ing bull's-eye, man!

You're an asshead, Carter.

Wait! No, no, no, no! Don't take it off.

Here we go. Wait. Hold still.

Hold still. Ready? Say, "marshmallow".

Carter sucks donkey balls.

Wow.

That's a thing of beauty.

You better not post that.

I'm definitely posting that.

It's my masterpiece.

All right. BRB, guys. I got to pee.

Barn owl?

I think it's a spotted owl.

Yeah, you're probably right.

Hey.

Guess what I found

when I was hiking up here?

I found the tree

we carved our initials into.

- No way!

- Yeah.

- Really?

- Yeah.

Wow. That was like seven years ago.

I know. Crazy, right?

Oh. That was the same day

Carter sat on the cactus

when he was taking a sh*t, right?

And your dad had to pick out

the needles.

Yeah.

Augie, I know we don't talk

about your dad much,

but it's okay if you want to.

I just don't want to be

a downer, you know.

Come on, Augie,

you're not being a downer.

He was your dad.

You can talk about him.

Thanks, Ben.

Yeah. Of course.

Hey.

Scouts forever?

Yeah. Scouts forever.

Ben. Hey.

Come on, Ben. Let's go.

Carter, I don't know about this.

Will you stop crying about this?

Let's go. Come on, we're doing this.

Let's go. Come on.

Come on.

Are we interrupting?

You look amazing.

Thank you.

Hey, have you guys seen my brother?

He should have been here by now.

No. I haven't seen him anywhere, no.

But look,

I'm sure he'll be here any second. Okay?

Dude. What if Augie wakes up

and we're not there?

He's not gonna wake up.

If Chewbacca was f***ing

Bigfoot in our campsite,

he'd still be asleep.

Whoa.

- What is that?

- What?

Look. Look, he was here.

Okay. So, he decided to go back home.

He changed his mind.

No, no, no. Scout Leader Rogers

would never leave his lucky knife.

I think something's wrong.

Dude, what's wrong

is us sitting here talking about this.

Give me that.

Dude, look. Look at his prints.

His foot was dragging like

he had a limp or something.

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