Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse Page #3

Okay.

Hurray for your mad tracking skills.

Can we just... Can we go? Please?

What?

I just think something

really bad happened to him.

- Are we still talking about Rogers?

- Yeah.

Dude, he is sitting at home

dressed up like Dolly Parton

singing show tunes. Relax.

Oh, sh*t.

Augie, wait! Augie!

Augie!

I thought we were best friends.

We are best friends.

- We were coming back.

- Really?

After your party?

You know about that?

Everybody knows about

the senior party, Carter.

Even a loser like me.

Augie, don't say that.

Why not? It's what you guys think!

We don't think you're a loser.

Ben, just tell him.

Carter, no.

Yeah, tell me, Ben.

Come on! Say it!

We're quitting Scouts, Augie.

Look, it was fun when we were kids.

But we have to grow up, man.

Augie. We're still gonna be best friends.

Go to your party.

Augie.

Augie, wait!

Augie, come on!

Just leave him, Ben.

What the f***...

What's wrong with the radio?

Carter, are you seeing this?

Seeing what?

Look. The town's deserted.

Everyone's probably asleep.

On a Friday night?

I don't know.

Something just feels really weird.

Oh, hey. Pull over right here.

I can't wait to get out of

these stupid uniforms.

All right. Let's see here.

We're just gonna change right here?

Nobody's around.

Let's see. Jeans. T-shirt.

Condoms. Good to go. Uh...

Forget socks? Yes, I did.

- Holy shitballs!

- What?

Dude, look.

What?

The bouncer, he's gone!

Carter, someone smashed the door.

We should sneak in.

- That's illegal.

- Let's sneak in. Come on. Let's do it.

Carter, we can't go in there!

Come on!

We can't go in there.

We're minors.

It's the chance

of a lifetime. Who cares?

What are you doing?

It's gonna be awesome!

Oh, my God. Wait, wait, wait.

Okay, it's clear. Come on. Let's do it.

Sweet Jesus.

This is it, Ben.

We've made it.

We're at the epicenter of p*ssy.

Oh, sh*t.

I got to go to the ATM, get some cash.

You find us a spot.

Yeah. That shouldn't be too hard

since there's, like, nobody here.

Hey!

My friend brought me here.

He's getting money.

I have a girlfriend, sort of.

Don't worry, Mommy, Daddy's here!

Dude, this is f***ing awesome!

Dude, something's wrong with her.

Look at her chest. What's all over her?

No, no. That's makeup, dummy.

It's a jungle theme.

Oh, wow.

This is so hot.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

Run! Quick, run!

Door, door, door, door!

Ugh!

Get up! Get up! Get up!

- Carter!

- Ben? Ben.

What the f*** is going on?

I don't know! They're trying to kill us!

- I just wanted to see some titties!

- I know!

Wait. You're the stripper.

Cocktail waitress.

Scout Leader Rogers?

Scout Leader Rogers, are you home?

Hello?

Holy cow.

Calm the f*** down!

Calm down? Are you crazy?

We almost got killed in there!

- Is that your ride?

- Can you please just tell us

what the hell is going on?

I really need to wash up

my face right now!

Keys, now!

No! Not until you tell us

what's happening.

Anybody got a wet nap?

What the f*** do you

think is happening?

Everyone's eating each other!

- Wait, like a...

- Yes, like that!

That's not possible.

I think it's possible, Ben.

A dead stripper just tried to eat my face!

Oh, sh*t!

Oh, f***. Oh, sh*t.

Just shoot it! Shoot it!

Yep. Zombie.

Any more questions?

Drive, dude, go! Come on!

Where are you going? What the f***?

Oh, sh*t!

Carter, get the tire!

I got it.

Guys, hurry up!

They're getting pretty f***ing close!

- Come on!

- I'm going as fast as I can.

Find the f***ing lug nuts.

F***.

Seriously, hurry the f*** up!

I got them! Here. Here.

Put it on!

Okay. Good. Put it on! Put it on!

F***!

I got it!

Oh, sh*t!

You got to be f***ing kidding me.

Go! Go! Go!

Scout Leader Rogers!

What happened tonight?

We were worried about you.

I know. It's bad. I'm so sorry.

I had to use your bathroom.

I think it was the beans.

And the marshmallows.

I tried spraying. It just lingers.

Your neck!

Scout Leader Rogers! Please!

I think you're having a bad

allergic reaction to something!

We need to get you to a doctor!

"All evacuation

buses have departed.

"Proceed north on Route 1

"to the security checkpoint

at mile marker 17."

Oh, sh*t. They evacuated the town.

That's great.

I missed the party, and I missed Chloe,

- and now I'm gonna die.

- Guys.

Carter, calm down!

We need to figure out

- what we're gonna do.

- Guys!

Come on.

Go, go, go!

- Carter, lock it!

- I'm trying to f***in' lock it, man!

It's not working.

- Come on!

- I'm trying!

Move!

Come on!

Carter, get the ax!

Go, go, go.

They're coming!

This way!

F***!

This is f***ing awesome! Now what?

I'm really sorry

I set you on fire, Scout Leader Rogers.

But hopefully, it's not as bad as it looks.

I used a double overhand stopper knot.

It's hard to get out of, right?

Oh!

Okay. All right.

Okay, now. I'll be right back.

Just stay there.

Dude, what the f***?

Haven't you had enough to eat? Jesus.

Carter, stop agitating them.

What? I need a new profile pic.

So, do you think

they evacuated everyone at the party?

Yeah, of course. They had to.

At least we know our parents are okay.

- Yeah.

- Where are they?

They went to some

lame spiritual yoga retreat.

Ugh. I think I'd rather be in here.

I hope Augie's okay.

- Who's Augie?

- He's our best friend.

Well, ex-best friend now.

Why ex?

Because we ditched him for a party.

Ben, we were gonna go back.

Whatever, Carter. We ditched him.

We're bad friends.

Why didn't you guys

just take him with you?

You don't know Augie.

- What?

- He's just different.

Big geek?

He collects deer sh*t

and weaves baskets.

Okay? You do the math.

Okay.

Word of advice,

chasing parties and popularity

in high school?

It's a total dead end.

None of that sh*t will matter later.

Trust me. I know.

You're right, but didn't you,

like, drop out of high school?

- No, I got my GED.

- Why?

'Cause not everybody has

a lily-white life like you do.

Okay. God, you're so hostile.

No, hostile is three seconds from

now when my foot's up your ass.

Okay, yeah. Try all you want,

but I happen to have

a very tight a**hole.

I think I could stretch it out for you.

Oh, well, then lube me up, baby.

Carter! We're gonna play

the quiet game now, okay?

All right, you know what? Fine.

I'm over both of you.

You're pretty good at that.

Yeah, I guess

that Whittling Badge finally paid off.

What about you?

What about me?

How'd you learn

to use a shotgun like that?

My ex-boyfriend was really into guns.

He used to drag me to

the firing range once a week.

Oh.

So, no boyfriend now?

Not if I can help it.

Well, why do you say that?

I don't know.

Let's just say,

I have really shitty taste in guys.

I'm better off alone.

Nobody's better off alone.

Yeah, well, I am.

Aww,

what a beautiful moment.

Ow! A**hole, that hurt!

- Yeah, that was the point!

- Oh, was that the point?

Guys! Shh!

Do you hear that?

Is that Crank That?

They're leaving.

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