Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse Page #4

I love this song!

You would.

Look! Right there.

F***. But they're gonna come back.

What are we gonna do?

- Condoms!

- What?

Carter, give me your condoms! Hurry!

Here. Take them

and open them and tie them together.

Why are we doing this?

- Just do it!

- Okay, okay.

Here's one.

Come on, hurry!

Here we go. Fly fishing. It's genius.

Go on, just a little bit.

Get it right up there.

There you go. Come on.

It's right up there!

You got it, come on.

Good work. Yes! Yes!

No, no, no!

Jesus!

You got arrested?

No,

we locked ourselves in.

- How?

- It was an accident!

This has to be Augie.

Augie, get the keys.

You kicked them

into the drainpipe over there.

- I can't reach it!

- Sh*t!

Sh*t, they're coming back.

Hold on.

What, is there a

Lockpicking Badge I'm unaware of?

How'd you find us?

Followed the stench of betrayal.

Augie...

I saw your car. I figured I'd help.

- Augie, look, I'm really...

- Got it!

Go, go, go!

Close the gate!

Oh...

...my...

...God.

Carter, let's go!

- Come on!

- Okay!

Oh, God. I touched them!

I touched them!

I don't think they were real.

F***,

my feet are killing me.

The security checkpoint's

only a few miles away.

Dude, I'm starving.

How can you even think of food

when people are being eaten alive?

You know, they say that

humans taste like pork.

U- I-hey"?

Cannibals, I guess.

Dude, I love bacon.

Hey, look.

Maybe the keys are inside.

Jesus! This guy again?

Someone kill him!

Carter, we can't just keep

going around killing people.

Why not?

Because he's a human being!

Okay. We'll see how you feel

when he's eating

your nutsack like a street taco.

Um, guys, he's getting pretty close.

Remember our

Wilderness Safety Seminar?

What?

When encountering a hostile creature,

be sure to assert yourself

in order to keep the animal at bay.

Well, I...

That is a zombie, not a bear, dumb-ass.

Guys, I think he's mimicking me.

Augie, quit messing around.

Augie.

What?

Augie, what are you doing?

What are you doing?

Okay. Did I just drop acid,

or are they really singing

Britney Spears with a zombie?

Is that all of you?

Yeah. What the hell's happening?

Don't know yet.

Some kind of viral outbreak.

CDC ordered a military

containment perimeter.

Is most of the town evacuated?

As many as we could.

This thing hit so hard and fast,

we're still trying to contain it.

What about everyone at the party?

Were they evacuated?

What party?

Well, where is everybody?

Nobody's here. It must be a mistake.

Yeah, 1146 Dunton Avenue. This is it.

It's not a mistake, Carter.

Jeff sent you a fake address.

What?

Carter, this is a waste plant.

You get it? It's full of sh*t.

Motherf***er! God damn it!

I can't believe he sent us

a f***ing fake address!

Why does it surprise you?

I mean, did you actually think

he was gonna invite us to a real party?

Karma.

What?

- Nothing.

- No, speak up.

Well, I just think it's a little ironic

that, you know, you're all upset now

because you got ditched.

Oh, okay.

So you're saying that we deserve it.

We went to your stupid campout, dude.

You lied to me.

We've been lying to you

for the past three years!

- Carter!

- Going to every Scout meeting,

every lame field trip.

Wearing these stupid f***ing clothes

so everybody can make fun of us.

Carter, that's enough!

Ben, you're not hiding

behind me this time.

Tell him.

Talk about how many times

you said you hated Scouts,

how sick of it you were.

- I never said that.

- Bullshit!

No, no, no. It's fine.

I guess it's time

for it to all come out, right?

He's had a crush on Kendall

since sixth grade.

- That is not true!

- Yes, it is.

- Kendall? As in my sister Kendall?

- Mmm-hmm.

- No.

- Dude, that's like incest.

No, it's not, I'm not even related to her.

So you do like her, then.

- No, I don't like her!

- Told you.

Shut up!

Stop!

Again with this sh*t? Jesus.

Can't you just walkie someone?

Hey. are you okay?

Guys!

Sh*t!

Get him!

I'm so f***ing sick of zombies!

Yikes.

Wa-wa-wee-wa.

Sh*t!

Hello! Is anybody there?

Evac complete.

No, no, no, no. We're still here!

MAN". We have Operation Clean Up.

Commence aerial bombing

of site at 0300. Repeat, 0300. Over.

What?

No, somebody help! Hello! Hello!

Somebody help, please! Hello!

F***!

They're gonna bomb

the town in two hours?

What are we gonna do?

We have to find Kendall and the others!

It's a secret party.

They could be anywhere.

Sh*t.

My sister's diary!

She writes every last

boring detail of her life in there.

I guarantee she wrote down

where the party is.

We better get f***ing going, then.

Okay, now.

All right, come on.

Whew! It smells like

Pixy Stix and hope in here.

You've never been in a girl's

room before, have you?

- Yeah, I...

- Mom doesn't count.

- Well...

- Any female relative doesn't count.

Guys! Can we focus? Where's the diary?

She changes the hiding place,

like, every week,

so just spread out and start looking.

- Did you find it?

- Nope.

Nothing over here.

Hey.

Did you guys hear that?

Hear what?

I think I heard

something downstairs.

Augie, go check it out.

I'm not going down there by myself.

- Go with him.

- Why me?

Call me when your balls drop, dude.

Shh! Don't walk so hard.

You have squeaky floors.

This is Carter's sister?

Yeah. That's Kendall.

Well, she clearly won the genetic lottery.

Yeah. She's okay. I guess.

Dude, she's more than okay.

You don't have to be all cool about it.

Sh*t.

F***. Come on.

So, how come

you haven't told her you like her?

What's the point?

She's never gonna go for a guy like me.

And she's got a boyfriend.

And Carter would kill me

if I touched his sister.

Okay, look. Here's the deal.

And don't take this the wrong way,

but you have to man up.

Yeah, but I suck at being that guy.

I'm not assertive like that.

Kiss me.

What?

Don't "what" me, just do it. Kiss me.

Are you serious?

Yeah, I'm serious.

I saw you checking out my ass earlier.

I know you want to do it. Just kiss me.

- No, I wasn't.

- Ben!

- Okay, for a second I did.

- Kiss me.

Denise, I...

You can do it. Just go for it.

- I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

- Oh, f***! F***.

- I'm so sorry. Are you okay?

- I'm fine.

See? I told you

we shouldn't have done that.

It was a bad idea.

No, no, no. Let's just try it again.

No, I feel stupid.

We should look for the diary.

Come here.

Not bad.

Really?

It wasn't, like, top five or anything.

Don't get excited.

- But, yeah, it was okay.

- Oh.

When you see Kendall,

just walk straight up to her,

lay some of that sh*t on her,

and you're golden.

Okay. Thanks.

Guess we left it open.

Hey, Augie.

Ben didn't want to leave you tonight.

It was my idea.

What difference does it make?

It's done.

Yeah.

Oh, f***!

Come on.

What the hell

is going on down there?

We're fine! Everything's under control!

No! No, no, no, no. F***ing, no!

Not my ass!

Oh, no, no, no, no!

My ass! My ass!

She's gumming my ass!

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