Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse Page #5

Oh, my God!

Carter!

Oh, God! Oh, it's disgusting!

Carter!

Peace out, b*tch!

What the hell happened?

Sh*t. Back upstairs! Back upstairs!

Come on, come on!

Move it!

That's not gonna hold them!

- Did you find the journal?

- No! We looked everywhere!

Guys, we got to go! Come on!

Oh, my God! They're coming!

Guys, if we jump,

we might be able to clear the fence!

- What?

- F*** it, let's just jump!

The fence is like 10 feet away!

- I'll go first!

- Go, go!

Okay. Go, go, go!

Augie. you got to go now!

Hurry!

I can't, I'm afraid of heights!

Be more afraid of zombies! Go!

Is that his wiener?

We got to do something.

Guys, help me! I'm falling!

Hang on to that cock, Ben!

Guys, hurry! Help me!

What are you doing?

Hey! A**holes! Come and get me.

Hurry!

It's ripping!

His dick's ripping!

- I got it!

- Dude!

- I got it.

- Where was it?

- Underwear drawer.

- Classic.

Run!

Lock it.

Augie, get the lights.

The power's out.

Where the hell are we?

Mrs. Fielder's house.

I can't believe we

just chopped her head off.

She tried to eat my ass, Augie.

She deserved it.

Guys, we got to keep moving. Come on.

Carter, check the window.

Sh*t, they're everywhere.

Miss Fielder's car is in the garage.

Maybe we can get out that way.

This way.

What was that?

I think something's in here.

F***, cat.

Augie?

Dude, dude.

- Augie.

- What?

Don't move.

- Did you get it?

- I got it! I got it!

Run!

Come on, come OH, come on!

Open the garage door!

It won't open!

Go! Ben, go!

F*** it!

Oh, my God.

It's Scout Leader Rogers!

He looks like sh*t!

I set him on fire.

- What?

- He tried to eat me!

- Wait, what are you doing?

- No, don't...

Sorry, bro!

All right, the diary said they're at

the old rec center on Dewer Street.

Hopefully, we're not too late.

All right,

I'll try to get help as soon as I can.

Just be careful.

- Denise.

- Yeah?

Look, I don't know what's gonna happen,

but I just wanted to let you know that

you're one of

the coolest girls I've ever met.

And, uh, I hope

you meet someone that deserves you.

Thanks.

Guys, let's go.

We got to get to the party.

Ben, this is a suicide mission.

Guys, they're gonna

bomb this whole town

in less than two hours.

What if Denise reaches

the military in time?

And what if she doesn't, Carter?

Then what?

Who's gonna save them?

The police? They're gone.

The military? They're not coming, either.

Guys, we're the last line of defense.

And so what? Maybe we look

like dorks in these uniforms.

And maybe we're a big joke

to everyone at school.

But tonight,

we're gonna show them

what being a real Scout's all about.

So, are we just gonna stand here

with our thumbs up our asses?

Or are we gonna go out there

and save the world?

F***, yeah, dude.

That was a really good speech, Ben.

Thanks, Augie.

Let's do it.

The rec center's that way.

We're making a pit stop first.

Are you serious?

None of my text messages

are going through, Travis.

Don't worry about that, baby.

Where are you taking me?

Um, it's a surprise.

You need a little spanking, don't you?

Ew.

Travis, what the f***?

Come on.

Okay, this place is disgusting.

I need to examine you.

- Get over here.

- Oh, okay.

God, you're so sexy.

Thank you.

Okay, we're not about to f*** right now.

Why not?

Because we've only

been dating for, like, two minutes.

What about a blow job?

Travis, I spent an hour

trying to find this piece of gum.

Sucks.

Okay, fine. You can eat me out.

- Really?

- Yes. You're welcome.

When I'm in jail

the first thing you do

is talk to another chick.

What the f***?

Hey, pervert, f*** off!

You serious, bro?

I was in jail!

Hello? Are you going to do it or what?

Ooh! Your mouth's kind of cold.

Stop.

- Stop!

- Come on, babe.

- Stop it!

- What the f***'s your problem?

I'm worried about my brother.

He should've been here hours ago.

He's not coming, babe.

How do you know?

Because I gave him the wrong address.

- What?

- They're Scouts, Kendall!

Look, what'd you think,

I was gonna invite them for real?

- Come here.

- You are such a dick!

- What? You're not leaving.

- Watch me!

You're not going!

Fine, go, b*tch!

Oh, Jesus, girl.

Get a f***ing tampon, would you?

Someone help!

Help! Please, someone help!

All right, Scouts,

let's kick some zombie ass.

Boom.

Chloe?

Oh, man.

Nailed it.

What a dick.

Ben, they're everywhere!

Circle up!

You want some of this?

You a**holes! Die!

Come on! You want a piece of me?

Ben! Ben!

Help!

Ben!

Hang on, Kendall! I'm coming!

Oh, sh*t.

Oh, sh*t. Sh*t, start! Come on!

Ben, look out!

Sh*t.

Ben, duck!

Ben!

Kendall, come down! Climb down, hurry!

- Are you okay?

- Yeah, I think so.

Guys, come on!

- Come on.

- Come on!

We got to get everyone out of here!

Let's go!

Everybody! Get to the stairs! Come on!

Let's go!

Come on, everybody, move!

Hurry up! Come on, come on! Let's go!

Let's go!

Let's go! Come on!

Oh, sh*t!

What are you doing?

They'll follow you if we don't

lock the doors! You gotta go!

- What about you?

- You got to go! Trust me!

I'm not leaving you! No!

Go! Go! Trust me!

- I'm out!

- Oh, sh*t!

There's too many of them!

Come on, let's go! Hurry!

Let's go!

Oh, f***!

Let's go!

Come on!

Hurry, come on!

Go, Augie, go!

Run! Run!

Where's the door?

There's got to be another exit.

I don't see one!

- We're trapped.

- Sh*t.

- There's no way out of here.

- F***.

- What do we do?

- Give me your backpack.

What? What are you doing?

- What is that?

- It's a bomb.

You made a bomb?

What are you, the Taliban?

Either we die fast or we're eaten alive

and turn into one of those things!

Your choice.

- Sh*t.

- Carter, give me your lighter.

Here.

Are you guys ready?

- Wait!

- What?

I need to say something.

Ben, it's fine.

- You don't have to do this.

- No, I do.

We should have never

ditched you tonight, Augie.

What we did was really messed up.

He's right.

We've been complete D-bags.

It's my fault.

I never should have made you guys think

you had to be in Scouts for just me.

No, that's just it!

I thought I wanted out,

but I was just worried

what other people were gonna think.

The truth is,

I love being a Scout.

And I love it because

it's the reason I met you guys.

And I know tonight's been

really crazy and f***ed up,

but one good thing has happened.

And it's this, right now.

Us.

Being back together.

Scouts forever.

Scouts forever.

Scouts forever.

Ben? Is it really lame

if I hold your hand right now?

No.

Oh, God damn it. This stupid thing!

- What are you doing?

- It's out of fluid!

Here. Give me that.

Wait, do you have another lighter?

God damn it, Augie,

we were supposed to die fast!

This is gonna hurt so bad.

Come on, Augie, you can do it!

Don't pressure me! I hate that!

Yo, dipshits!

You just gonna sit there or what?

Where'd she come from?

Augie, leave it!

Augie, let's go!

Are you guys Okay?

I'm alive. I'm alive!

Oh, my God! Augie!

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