Screwed Page #2

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I can better myself.

I'm gonna register at one of them

four-year universities.

My friend...

...here's to second chances.

Did you have a lovely sleep, Muffin? Yes.

Now, we'll have a lovely breakfast,

you and...

Oh, my God!

Look at me.

Muffin!

Look what they've done to your mother.

I don't know...

"We've got him. Pay us $1 million

or he's a dead dog."

Who's a dead dog?

Willard?

Man, we've got so many choices.

- I'm just trying to get out of Pittsburgh.

- You said it.

Check out this. Bora Bora.

I was thinking more like Caribbean myself.

Whichever one has a school

with a strong liberal arts program.

Lord! I'm dead!

- We're going to jail.

- What do you mean "we"?

That's my picture on the front page.

Who would have thought kidnapping a dog

would make the front page?

Wait a minute. They think it was me.

They think I was kidnapped.

- They don't even mention Muffin.

- Why would somebody kidnap you?

I don't know, but they think someone did.

"There were signs of a scuffle,

the chauffeur's blood was on a wall...

"...and a note demanded $1 million...

"...or he's a dead dog."

Sweet Jesus!

We kidnapped a turd.

According to sources,

the missing chauffeur had been...

...a loyal employee for over 15 years.

Virginia Crock,

known for her mouthwatering treats...

...awoke this morning

to news that was not so sweet.

Do you have any enemies?

Not that I know of.

I'm just an elderly lady who makes pies.

Well, does Mr. Fillmore have any enemies?

- Who?

- That's Willard's last name.

Not that I know of.

Did he have anybody

that he used to bring around the house?

Not that I know of.

Does he have any living relatives?

Not that I know of.

Ma'am...

...excuse me, but...

...this man worked for you

for over a decade...

...and you don't know

if he has any friends or any relatives?

Detective, Miss Crock has told you

everything she knows.

What do you mean?

She hasn't told me anything.

Sir, if it makes you happy...

...you go right ahead

and find Willard Fillmore.

As for me...

...it's time for my nap.

Sources say that Fillmore

moved to Pittsburgh at the age ofsix.

Here's the thing. I hardly knew Willard.

Police say ifyou have any information,

call the Piehunt Hotline at 1-800...

- How did this get so big?

- Rusty, we gotta turn ourselves in.

How? They think you're the victim.

Sh*t! You have to be really dumb

to accidentally kidnap yourself.

Wait a minute.

This is all gonna get pinned on me!

You gotta get un-kidnapped!

You gotta escape!

The kidnappers go out to dinner,

you chew through the ropes, you get away.

Yeah, that's good.

That's good, but it should be real.

There was a struggle

and I got all bruised and beat up!

This is an airtight alibi.

Here. Let me help you.

Good.

- You like that, right?

- Yeah, wait a minute.

What?

I got an idea.

What are we worried about?

Why don't I just stay kidnapped?

Why?

It makes perfect sense.

Instead of them paying $1 million

for Muffin, they pay it for me.

Why would somebody pay

$1 million for you?

'Cause I'm a man. Muffin's a dog.

- Yeah, but he got a pedigree.

- Gimme a break, I'm better than he is!

Come on! I'm better than a dog!

I'm five times better.

- "$5 million."

- It's repugnant.

It's like a rising stock.

Why did he jump from one to five?

All right, man. Let's see some real

emotion here. You're kidnapped.

Let's see some tears.

I want to feel something real.

- And action!

- Help! Save me!

Miss Crock, I'm begging you, please!

I got into MSNBC.

How do you plug that camera in?

I think like this.

In a startling development

in the Pittsburgh kidnapping...

...this shocking videotape

was e-mailed to MSNBC.

Help, Miss Crock, save me!

I'm begging you!

They got me wearing chains!

I'm living in a cage.

They're gonna kill me ifyou don'tpay.

Open your wallet, you tight-ass!

Jesus, somebody has to do something!

Dinnertime, dog.

They got me eating kibble.

I don't know how much longer I can last.

Oh, God, Chip...

...he's wearing a collar.

Collars don't hurt.

They're just trying to intimidate us.

Whatis that?

Is that urine? Itis!

Itis! It's human urine!

Chip, we're late.

- Miss Crock!

- What's your reaction to the kibble video?

Have you changed your mind

about paying the ransom?

She'll not deal with criminals.

It's a police matter.

Your chauffeur was chained like a dog.

Where's your compassion?

I'll show you compassion.

Get your asses off my property!

I'm afraid you didn't hear me.

I'm afraid you didn't hear me!

Today, dessert baron Virginia Crock,

reiterated she will notpay the ransom.

We went to the man in the street

to find out what he thinks.

She's rich. She can afford it.

If I worked for that... chowder... slut...

...I'd tell her to... get down,

get busy on my... man.

More concerned citizens

have started a formal protest.

No more pies if Willard dies!

Is that Hillary?

She's looking good.

Rich people are no good.

I'm never gonna eat herpie again.

This media blitz is killing us.

Our sales have dropped 50 percent.

Miss Crock, go to hell! Miss Crock...

Miss Crock, many bad things are happened.

We thought we were buying

your wholesome American image.

But it's terrible shock

that you don't rescue your loyal houseman.

Sweet old lady on pie box

is now super-villain.

I'm sorry, honey. They're playing hardball.

If you don't pay up, they're gonna walk.

F***!

Of course I'm gonna pay the ransom.

Ljust didn't want to encourage

those underworld criminals.

But now I want Willard

home again with me.

The old hag is coughing up!

Thank you, Miss Crock.

And thank you, Hillary, for kicking her ass!

I'm free!

We are millionaires!

Anybody here?

Hello?

What can I do for you?

Are you Rusty P. Hayes?

Yes, I am. Can I interest you

in my shrimp boat special?

No. I'm here investigating

the kidnapping of Willard Fillmore.

Who?

- You must have read about him.

- I don't read newspapers.

We thought you might know him.

We were going through

Mr. Fillmore's belongings...

...and we found this

"Chicken Dinner Special" punch card.

Really?

Yeah, this guy.

- I was wondering what happened to him.

- He was kidnapped.

When he came in here, did he...

...ever do anything unusual

that would draw attention to him?

One time I seen him eat

50 chicken gizzards all by himself.

Look, if you come across anything

that might help us...

...give me a call.

- Sure.

I hate loose ends...

...and I want this case to end.

I was so scared,

I thought I was gonna pee in my pants.

He knows something.

He had a funny look on his face.

- Why'd you tell him so much?

- I didn't tell him nothing.

I told him about the time

you ate 50 chicken gizzards.

That wasn't me!

That was some Chinese guy.

Fong did do that, didn't he?

I'm telling you, we got problems.

That evil Kojak hates loose ends.

And when they pay and I don't show up,

that's a loose end. He'll go nuts!

- You'll be some place nice, like Jamaica.

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