Screwed Page #3

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- Yeah, well, he'll track me there.

Wait a minute. What if we fooled them

and made them think I was dead?

Like maybe if we borrowed a corpse.

Don't we know somebody

who knows somebody...

...who works at the morgue?

Hillary used to live across the street...

...from a dude who was in the army

with this guy who worked at the morgue.

I forgot it was Hillary.

Yeah, you can't hit her up, man.

She just walked a picket line for you.

Oh, my God!

I never thought I'd see you again,

and here you are.

- I brought you flowers.

- Oh, my God!

Wow! You're such a class act.

You get ransomed,

then you buy me flowers.

Well, I didn't get ransomed, per se.

- Did you escape?

- No, I didn't escape literally.

Sh*t.

Where'd they go?

- All right, how did you do it?

- It was really no problem.

I told her the truth, we had a little sex,

she told me the guy's name: Grover.

Damn! Did all that in ten minutes.

Spooky!

Grover?

What are you doing? Get away from that.

I'm sorry.

It's just a rock.

It's not just a rock.

It's a pet rock.

A pet rock.

I haven't seen one of these in years.

Yeah. I just dug it out of his colon.

Yeah, it's still warm.

I got a whole collection.

It's really amazing...

...what you dig out of the inside

of dead people when you cut them open.

People swallow everything.

Here's some dice.

The guy must have been to Vegas.

Got all kinds of stuff here.

This beautiful harmonica.

- Don't put that in your mouth.

- This is interesting here.

Yes.

You gotta go in that way.

It couldn't have gone in this way.

He would have noticed. A broom?

"Where'd it go?"

"Oh, forget about it."

He's dead, and then you find it.

You know, it's all kinds of stuff like that.

This is good. Yeah.

It's a clicker.

"Hey, honey, where's the clicker?"

"I don't know."

"Inside me."

Here. Look at this.

A perfectly good comb.

Grover, how would you like

to make $100,000?

Well, that's a lot of cheese.

What I gotta do?

I want people to think that I'm dead.

Dead?

Yeah, you just take one of the dead bodies

and dress it up like my man Willard here.

And when they find it, they think it's him.

You think it's that easy?

I can just take up any old body...

...and give it to you?

I got filing slips!

My bodies are catalogued!

This is a tight ship!

Why don't you take some old bum

that nobody would notice?

A "bum"?

Come on! If you do it,

there's $100,000 for you.

Will it show up on my W2?

No, tax-free.

Good. Because why should my money

go to pave roads and build schools?

Yeah, good point. Listen. This is the plan.

Dump the body tomorrow night.

And make sure you get someone

that looks like me, okay?

No problem. Piece of cake.

Here's some clothes of mine

that you can put on him, all right?

And I got my driver's license.

- You put that in his pocket.

- Yes.

- And here's some jewelry.

- Jewelry?

Those are nice.

Wait a minute.

Isn't this suit kind of ratty?

Ain't it gonna be degrading for a dead man

to have to wear this trash?

- Just do it.

- All right.

I'll do it.

Miss Crock, I just want to thank you

for agreeing to pay the ransom.

'Cause most folks...

Most folks just don't appreciate

the work we cops do.

- Virginia.

- What?

Willard, bring in our guests

some coffee here!

- What's that?

- I don't know.

The cover page is from Pic 'n' Shop.

It's from the kidnappers.

"Miss Crock, bring the cash

to Three Rivers Stadium at 10:00 PM.

"No cops or the chauffeur dies."

No cops!

What if those bums run off

with my money?

Don't worry, ma'am.

That ballpark is so gigantic...

...we're gonna be able to hide

a million cops in there.

I thought these guys were smart,

but they're in way over their heads.

You think the cops are gonna show up

at the stadium?

You kidding me, man? It's gonna be

like rush hour at Dunkin' Donuts.

Yeah.

I'll be waiting for you

in the Runway Lounge.

- Don't forget. The flight's at midnight.

- Then, tomorrow...

...we'll be lying on the beach.

- Sipping margaritas.

Smoking a fatty.

This is the most distressful day of my life.

Do we have to pay them all the money?

I mean, couldn't we, I don't know,

sort of shortchange them a little?

Virginia, bite the bullet.

I'm sure your taxman

will figure a way to write it off.

That's a lot of green.

Jesus Christ, I don't know what the hell

the wheel is doing on this side of the car.

God almighty, I don't know how

poor Willard ever put up with this sh*t.

- Hello?

- This is the kidnapper.

- How'd you get my number?

- Shut up! There's been a change in plan.

- Don't go to no stadium.

- I gotta go to the stadium.

You're not gonna do nothing

until I tell you to, you smelly old b*tch.

Nowlisten...

...you meet me at Midtown Park.

That place isn't safe after dark!

Cork it! I'll see you there in ten minutes.

- Quick, get me the police!

- I'm still here!

Try any more games like that,

I'll put a bullet through Willard's head.

Gimme the money!

You're the kidnapper.

You no-good hooligan!

You decimate my house.

You violate my public goodwill!

And why? Why me?

What did I ever do to you?

Gimme the money!

You oughta be ashamed of yourself!

Does your mother know

the kind of work that you do?

Don't you ever stop talking?

Gimme the money!

Now, I expect you to return Willard

in exactly the same condition he was in!

He was a strong worker!

And he had good teeth!

I got the money! I got the money!

I gotta buy Hillary a nice dinner.

I'm gonna buy my mom a new headstone.

One with her name on it and everything!

I got the money!

Mister!

- What's in the suitcase?

- Get away from me.

Hey, mister, what's in the suitcase?

- Hand it over!

- Get away from me, you little sh*t!

- What's in the suitcase?

- Show us some respect.

- What's in the suitcase?

- Hand it over!

- I don't like your attitude.

- Take a hike.

Jesus Christ!

Harder!

Zap him!

You can't let him down now.

You can't let him down.

Yeah, let's see.

Not bad.

Don't pay any attention to me.

I'm just gonna take some work home.

I'm very conscientious.

Oh, boy.

I'll go get it.

Wake up!

Where am I? What is this?

What's going on here?

The police found you beat up in the park.

But, of course, those incompetents let

the kidnappers get away, with my money.

So, I was in the park...

...and they got away with the $5 million...

You owe me.

And you're going to work off that ransom...

...until the day Jesus calls you home.

Just a chunk light in spring water,

not in olive oil, and a diet Coke.

There you are, as I live and breathe.

Pittsburgh's finest.

I'm truly sorry, ma'am.

But if it's any consolation,

we had every inch of that stadium covered.

We had snipers.

Who cares?

Would you do me a favor?

Find my cash.

I gotta get outta here.

Mr. Fillmore, I...

- Could I have a few words with you?

- Sure, of course.

- How can I help you?

- I wonder, Mr. Fillmore...

I wonder if you would...

...give me a description of the kidnappers?

- The kidnappers.

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