Screwed Page #4

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Well, I never actually saw the kidnappers...

...that well because I was kept blindfolded.

Blindfolded?

But you were not blindfolded on the video.

No, I wasn't.

No, I wasn't blindfolded on the video.

But I didn't see the kidnappers

then either, because...

...they hired a TV crew to shoot the video.

Yeah, we did it in a studio with a crew.

You got any Nuprin?

No.

Why? What happened in there?

The bozo's covering for the kidnappers.

I really gotta get out of here.

- Stop!

- Where do you think you're going?

Rusty! Hey, Rust.

- Where you been?

- The drop off did not go as planned.

I concur 'cause the plan never mentioned

my best friend two-timing me.

- I didn't two-time you!

- Come on, man!

"I'll do the drop all by myself,

that way Rusty won't get in trouble."

Where's the bag of money?

Why aren't you at the airport?

- What are you doing in a hospital?

- A street gang took the money.

- Bullshit! You're ripping me off!

- No! I swear to God.

It was these big muscle men in the park.

They beat me up and took the $5 million.

They had guns and tattoos...

...and they had those two sticks on a chain

that you swing and you hurt people with.

- Are you saying you were mugged?

- Mugged? It was more like a rape.

Well, not a real rape.

Look, Grand Inquisitor,

if you had ripped me off...

...would you barricade yourself

in a hospital room with 20 cops outside?

You make an interesting point.

It's not imaginable

that things could be more botched.

Yeah?

What about Grover?

Oh, no! That fruitcake's

gonna be dumping my fake body.

Hello, County Morgue, Rita speaking.

Can I help you?

I'd like to speak to a Grover Cleaver.

I'm sorry.

Mr. Cleaver no longer works here.

B*tch, what are you talking about?

Mr. Cleaver quit yesterday.

He said he was joining the superrich.

Grover retired from the morgue.

Too wealthy to hold a job.

Man, we are no good at this.

We gotta stop this guy.

- How? We don't know where to find him.

- Call Hillary.

She doesn't know him.

She knew his name from that fat dude

who used to live across the street.

You're so defeatist!

Fine. I'll track him down myself.

If you did it,

you'd probably muck it up anyway.

The guy can't do anything right.

Detective!

Mr. Hayes. What are you doing here?

I'm visiting my Aunt Mabel.

She's real sick.

She got polio and emphysema...

...all that sh*t together.

It's gonna kill her. I swear.

She's staying in this room right here.

I'm gonna go say hi.

Aunt Mabel, come gimme some sugar, girl.

I told you don't listen to them doctors!

Okay, you're convulsing. You gotta relax.

All right, Aunt Mabel!

I'm gonna let you get some rest!

Get some rest, Aunt Mabel!

All right, give Uncle Gordon my love!

That medicine got Aunt Mabel

real irritable. She's crazy.

She's normally a real sweetheart.

Detective!

Detective, you're not gonna believe

what's happened.

We've just discovered a dead body.

Sh*t.

They found the body!

They found the body!

Oh, my Lord.

That dumb-ass Grover. He's the only one

of us who follows directions.

We're going to jail. We're going to jail.

We're gonna be somebody's b*tch.

Maybe if we confess, they'll go easy on us.

Yeah, maybe we'll just get

community service.

Or maybe they'll take us

to one of those country club prisons.

We'll talk stocks with bankers.

- We could really make some connections.

- You're insane.

We're gonna be somebody's b*tch.

Willard.

I have some shocking news.

They found your kidnapper.

- Are you sure it was the kidnapper?

- Of course I'm sure!

They found his dead body on the front

steps of the Quaker Wax Museum.

He was wearing all your clothes

and those divine cuff links I gave you.

Any idea why the kidnapper

would be wearing your clothes?

No.

Any idea why the kidnapper

would be dead?

Well, that kidnapping den

was a real hothouse of emotion, you know.

Anything could have happened.

Well, let's just hope that body

isn't so ripped up that you can't identify it.

That's the guy. No question.

That's the kidnapper.

That's the guy?

That's the guy who beat you up

and held you prisoner?

Yeah, well, he was a lot more ferocious

back when he was alive.

Ferocious? He's an old midget.

Yeah, but he had a real low voice.

You know, very intimidating.

"Put your hands behind your head!

Get in the corner."

That's him. That's him!

I'd recognize that voice anywhere.

Okay.

Well, in some weird, screwy way

that I will never understand...

...that is the kidnapper.

I'm telling you, this whole thing stinks.

Fillmore and Hayes are connected.

- Yeah, that midget was no tough guy.

- No sh*t, Sherlock.

They are definitely hiding

something or someone.

Our 1-800 line produced an eyewitness.

Meet Edgar Kettle. He saw the drop.

Yeah.

I saw the whole thing. The whole thing.

Last night,

I was in my check-cashing store.

I look out and I see a man

toss a body onto the steps.

- What kind of man?

- He was ugly.

Real ugly.

Get me the sketch artist in here right now.

This case is about to break.

That looks just like me.

"Wanted for Crock kidnapping."

Make this go away.

I'm screwed!

Willard, take away my salad plate!

I'm ready for the second course!

Yeah.

"Stick with Miss Crock. You'll get ahead."

Apologize to the man!

Apologize for what you did!

I'm sorry for misbehaving in the park.

You better be!

This is the man you wronged, Tito.

- Now, give back what you took.

- Here it is, mister. I didn't even open it.

That's 'cause you couldn't open it, liar!

It was locked!

As soon as I saw the address on the tag

we drove it straight over here.

- Thanks.

- Come on!

Your hide has an appointment

with my hand!

Yeah! Let's party!

"Willard, clear my salad plate!"

Yeah, well, lick me, you old bag!

Your busboy's going to Bermuda!

We're going to Bali, so I can date her.

- Yeah!

- Get some Bali booty.

Hurry up! Hurry up! Move out!

Come on! Come on!

You can't park there!

That's a tow-away zone!

We ain't never coming back.

Go park it up your ass.

Excuse me. We'd like two tickets to Bali.

First class.

- And how will you be paying for that?

- That's a good question.

- That hadn't really occurred to us.

- How about this?

- Cash!

- Cash!

- Don't worry, we got money.

- Back off there, lady.

There's no money!

Miss Crock double-crossed us!

The old crow never paid!

She didn't care if I lived or died!

She just ransomed me with cabbage!

The white zone is for the immediate

loading and unloading ofpassengers.

I told you not to park there.

She double-crossed us.

We'll triple-cross her.

But this time, we'll kidnap Miss Crock

like I said we do in the first place.

No, man, it's over.

Listen, sorry I had to leave so,

you know, quickly the other day.

That's all right, speedy.

I know you had a crime wave to get to.

So what do you need tonight? Dynamite?

Nitro? A getaway driver, maybe?

No. None of that.

Our gang's gone straight.

All I need now is a new life.

Willard!

Answer the door.

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