Screwed Page #5

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Honest to God, he kills me.

His father never would have

goofed off like this.

He's never around when... I'm coming!

- Who the hell are you?

- Who the hell are you?

This is who the hell I am!

I'm wanted by every cop in Pittsburgh!

- I don't even know what I did wrong!

- Oh, my God.

You're the son of a b*tch

who's got my money!

What money? I never got no $100,000.

$100,000 my ass!

- It was five million big ones!

- What are you, batty?

- The deal was for $100,000.

- What deal?

- You ripped me off!

- Yeah?

Good shot, huh?

Would you get the hell out of my house?

Where's Willard?

- Where's Willard?

- Where is he?

- You want Willard? I'll get him.

- Don't do that to me!

- You think I'm stupid?

- I'll get him!

- You sons of b*tches ain't ripping me off!

- Holy sh*t!

- Go on!

- Oh, my God! Help me!

- Jesus, Mary and Joseph!

- Come here, sweetie pie!

- God!

- I got you!

I got you. Watch your head.

Come on!

Muffin! Muffin, attack!

Nice doggy.

Please, attack!

Come on!

Miss Crock, I got news for you!

I'm quitting!

Miss Crock, where are you?

- Hey, Miss Crock!

- I got some news for you, whore!

I'm packing up

and moving out of this dump!

That's right, you heard me!

Good-bye, pie hag!

Where's she at?

Oh, my God!

Grover stole my idea.

Virginia! Where are you? We're late.

Virginia, the party starts at 9:00.

Are you ready?

- What's going on here?

- We were just turning down the sheets.

Where's Miss Crock?

Who are you?

What's that note in your hand?

What'd you do that for?

I was scared.

- What do we do now?

- Run!

- This is so bad!

- Jesus forgive me!

Help. Police.

That stupid Grover!

What kind of kidnapper

uses his own stationery?

You know, they're gonna catch him,

and when they do...

...he's gonna blab all about us!

They're hunting us down!

Stop! This is the police!

- Well, no sh*t!

- Let's jump that fence!

- I'm getting a charley horse!

- I gotta start working out!

Freeze! You're under arrest!

Details are sketchy,

butin a twiststranger than bizarre...

...Miss Virginia Crock herself

has been kidnapped.

Oh, my God!

Snowball. Baby, let me in!

Open up!

- Have you heard the news?

- Yes, I know. It's terrible.

- What are we gonna do?

- I don't know.

- But this is not our fault.

- You said it wouldn't hurt anyone!

You said if we switched the money

nothing would happen.

The kidnappers would be stuck!

All I meant was

that they couldn't complain to the police.

Now we've pissed them off!

You deserve that money.

She's been a figurehead for years.

Oh, stop it!

You're the only one

holding that bakery together.

I had to. She's out of her mind.

Exactly. So, why don't we

just let the kidnappers keep her?

Get me out of here!

The pain! I got a medical condition.

All right, Fillmore. Time to talk.

My dick hurts!

I want the truth. What's your connection

to Rusty P. Hayes?

I've known Rusty my whole life.

Our mothers were in church choir together.

I don't even know this chauffeur guy,

all right?

The first time I seen him

was in my restaurant, two weeks ago.

Last night, like every week,

I called up Rusty...

...and told him to come

and watch Monday Night Football.

Last night was Thursday.

Yeah. I'm sorry. It wasn't

Monday Night Football. It was Oprah.

Last night, I get this call

to make a delivery...

...to this Wilbur guy.

You mean, Willard.

Yeah, right. Willard.

So anyway, I drive up to this mansion

in my chicken delivery truck.

You know your truck was impounded

at the airport earlier that day?

It was?

Yeah, right. No, I was on foot.

So anyway, the doorbell rings,

and it's the kidnappers!

So, they started chasing us.

And then Miss Crock,

I remember she showed up.

She ran in, and she'd just been taking

a bath, so she was nude.

Of course, naturally, this upset everybody.

Gunshots started going off, man.

The windows was exploding,

I heard screaming.

So, I run to my truck as fast as I can.

I mean, I run away because I was scared.

Chip Oswald says you hit him

over the head with a desk lamp.

No, he's mistaken.

He's mistaken. That was not me.

So, Rusty's got this desk lamp

and he's beating the hell out of Chip.

And, he's pounding him and pounding him.

Then I say:

"Rusty, that's not the kidnappers.

That's Chip!"

That's when the cops showed up

and they distracted everybody...

...and the kidnappers got away.

One final question.

Let's forget all this other crap.

Where is Miss Crock?

I don't know.

Who is Miss Crock?

Come on. Open your mouth.

Come on. You want some food, Blackie?

Eat some dinner.

Eat it, Blackie. It's good. Look.

- Come on, Blackie.

- His name is Muffin.

It is not Blackie.

Shut up!

The dog's name is what I say it is

until somebody takes you off my hands.

The sooner the better, Poopy.

The sooner the better!

- Yeah, go on!

- "Yeah, go on!"

Help!

That's my favorite TV program.

We're gonna watch it, Blackie.

This is it. Look at that. See that?

Hawaii Five-0.

- What have we got, Danno?

- Klaus Marburg. West German passport.

- How bad?

- How bad?

- Pretty bad. Went right through him.

- Any witnesses?

- Any witnesses?

- Yeah, lots of them.

- Only one shot?

- Only one shot?

Just one.

He was hitjust after

he stepped off the ramp.

Steve, take a look. Finished.

What is your obsession with that guy?

It's Jack Lord!

I'm the vice president

of his national fan club.

Clam up, will you?

Hey! What are you, crazy?

The show's not over yet.

Give me that.

- Excuse me. May I have your attention?

- Oh, my God.

I'm pleased to announce

that Miss Crock's Bakery...

...is now merging

with Copenhagen Snak Food.

- What the hell are you talking about?

- Additionally...

...in accordance with Miss Crock's policy

regarding kidnapping...

...we will notpay the ransom.

I know Miss Crock will be proud of us

standing behind herlike this.

Hey, wait a minute.

I'm gonna get screwed on this deal.

That's two dozen anthuriums.

What?

What did I do? Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

I swear I'm innocent!

No, please! Don't!

- Who's the crybaby?

- We just busted the guy.

He was trying to pass the marked bills

from the Fillmore kidnapping.

Well, what do you know?

The brains behind the operation.

Get me Fillmore and Hayes!

- Don't tell them about Grover.

- Why not?

Things are bad enough

without us getting blamed...

...for killing that old midget

at the wax museum.

- Maybe we should tell them the truth.

- Yeah, right.

Like they'll believe it started

'cause we kidnapped Muffin's turd.

There you are. Get in here! Sit down!

The days of dicking Dewey are over.

We found the kidnapper.

Your partner extraordinaire...

...he's in our custody.

So, tell me all about Roger.

Who?

Oh, no.

You can't play those games anymore.

We nailed him with marked bills.

All that $5 million was traceable.

What $5 million? Miss Crock never paid.

What do you mean, she never paid?

I don't know.

You just said Miss Crock never paid.

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