Screwed Page #6

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What do you mean, she never paid?

- I didn't say that.

- You did. I heard you say that.

You said, "Miss Crock never paid."

I wanna know what you meant by that.

- I don't know.

- What did you mean by that?

What did you mean,

Miss Crock never paid?

What did he mean by that?

What the hell are you doing?

That man's a cop!

I was scared.

Every time you're scared,

you hit a guy with a desk lamp!

I'm getting out of here.

- Who gave you the marked money?

- I don't know!

It was change in a restaurant.

If you don't tell us,

you're spending three years in hard labor.

It was Chip Oswald.

Come on!

Willard, this is a cop car.

Should we really be taking a cop car?

I'm gonna kill you!

Put your ass to the gas! Go!

- Where are we going?

- I don't know!

Sh*t. We're not making things any better.

We gotta find Miss Crock and Grover

and clear this up.

How we gonna do that?

We know nothing about him.

We don't know where he lives, how

to reach him. He's a complete mystery.

Hold on. I got an idea.

Directory assistance. What city?

Pittsburgh. Grover Cleaver.

- Is that a business or residence?

- Residence.

- Is that Kleaver with a "K"?

- No, with a "C"...

...like "cupcake."

Thank you. Press 1 to be connected.

Got it.

Aloha. You've reached

the Jack Lord Fan Club.

- For membership, send $25...

- I got the Jack Lord Fan Club.

...to the Jack Lord Fan Club.

- Attention:
Grover Cleaver.

- Wait! It's Grover!

He lives at 910 Mabley Terrace.

Mabley Terrace?

That's a shitty neighborhood.

Damn it! Turn around!

We got away!

As you can see from oursky-cam

they are traveling in a stolen police car.

Again, to recap for those viewers

just tuning in...

...less than 15 minutes ago the two

key suspects in the Crock kidnapping...

...escaped from a downtown police station.

We'll stay with this story

until its conclusion.

Here we go. I got it all.

Here it is.

One box of Fixodent.

One bag of prunes for the old chute.

And four pounds of lamb and rice...

...Dog Chow!

That's for you.

Where's my Ben-Gay?

You forgot my Ben-Gay, didn't you?

You know my muscles get sore!

"You know my muscles get sore."

Zip it, you nag!

I wish I never met that dang chauffeur.

Come on. The first rule of life, Blackie:

"Never do no favors."

You call kidnapping a man

doing him a favor?

I didn't kidnap that guy.

He kidnapped himself.

What did you say?

You ain't gonna take me alive!

Grover!

- Jesus Christ!

- Why is he shooting at us?

He thinks we're the police!

Grover, we are not the police!

We are not the police!

Try to fool stupid Grover, huh?

I'll show ya!

- Grover, it's us!

- Don't shoot!

It's you guys. Come on up!

Hurry up! Hurry up!

- Any word yet on that car?

- Yeah, it's been spotted on Mabley Terrace.

Mabley Terrace? Jesus.

I'll need some backup. Let's go!

Grover, you have to let Miss Crock go.

Too much sh*t's going on.

No way! I'm out $18 for groceries.

What?

- Here's $20, all right?

- I can't break no $20.

- Keep the change!

- All right.

- Miss Crock, we're here to rescue you.

- How dare you kidnap yourself!

You tried to swindle me?

I am going to have your ass!

- Miss Crock, I'm sorry.

- What nerve!

After all I've done for you.

I was under a lot of pressure, and I...

After all you've done for me?

Willard Fillmore,

the building is surrounded!

What exactly, Miss Crock,

did you ever do for me?

I've been your slave for 15 years!

I worked my butt off!

And then, when I got kidnapped,

you wouldn't even pay the ransom money!

Well, after all, you...

...were just a hired servant.

- Hired...

Well, does a hired servant

watch TV with you when you're lonely?

Does a hired servant read to you

that time you broke your glasses?

Does a hired servant visit you

in the hospital when nobody else does?

I did everything my father would've.

Not everything.

Your father was, a very special man.

He provided extra services.

Oh, my God.

Your dad didn't say,

"Stick with Miss Crock. You'll get ahead."

He said, "Stick with Miss Crock

and you'll get head."

Would you butt out? We're talking here!

Yuck!

Let's move!

- Can you see them?

- They're on the third floor.

Oh, man!

That's why I couldn't compare to my dad?

Now, don't be silly. It's just that...

...your father was very gifted.

- That's some big shoes to fill.

- I don't wanna hear this!

Man, you must've been a total let down.

No wonder she ransomed you

with an empty suitcase.

That suitcase wasn't empty.

I paid every cent.

Then why do Roger and Chip

have the money?

Roger and Chip?

Stop! Don't shoot!

They're stupid and confused!

Position! Move out!

- I'm going in.

- Come on!

I can't believe it.

I can't believe Chip shafted me.

I can't believe you came through.

Beaver team, move in! Go!

It's like an army out there.

I'm on parole for mail fraud. I gotta hide.

- How'd you get in there, man?

- I mean...

- Come on, Grover!

...l...

...took care of all of Chip's gambling debts.

I paid for all his methadone treatments.

I guess we both got the big screw.

Come on, Grover!

Don't move! Hayes and Fillmore...

...you're under arrest, again,

for the abduction of Virginia Crock.

And this time, it's gonna stick!

You clod.

They didn't kidnap me.

They rescued me.

If Willard hadn't shown up,

I'd be dead and buried in this hellhole!

I don't understand.

Then who's the kidnapper?

First, I wanna upgrade the assembly line.

Toss out minced meat.

Bring in vanilla custard.

Then, I'm gonna mix

strawberry into the rhubarb.

Freeze! You're under arrest.

Chip Oswald...

...you are under arrest for the kidnappings

of Willard Fillmore and Virginia Crock.

That is ridiculous! How dare you!

I demand you leave my house!

Put on your pants. You're going to jail.

All right, let's get them hands

behind your back.

Oh, my God! It's the new Village People.

- You're all crazy!

- Put down that gun!

- I'm not going back to prison!

- What do you mean...

..."back"?

- Up yours!

I've got nothing from all of those years

of suffering, working for you!

- Nobody does.

- Stay out of this!

I'll see you all in hell!

I'll slice you and I'll dice you...

...and I'll bake you all into meat pies!

Well, it's an ugly ending,

but the case is solved.

I knew he was the kidnapper

the whole time.

Never trust a black man named Chip.

This is so beautiful.

- I could spend the rest of my life here.

- Yeah.

And we found a place

where almost everyone speaks English.

There's my juicy, succulent chicken.

Come here.

- How's business, baby?

- Great, Rusty.

You guys got a package.

Look.

It's from Miss Crock.

What did she send?

- Check it out. It's an Armani suit.

- And there's a letter.

"Dear Willard, I hope you're enjoying

your retirement money.

"Here's a suityou can wear

when you graduate from U.S.C.

"Back in Pittsburgh,

I decided not to sell the company.

"And I have a new man in my life.

"Grover's quite special.

"He's a little slow,

but he does what he's told.

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