Screwed

---

[electricity buzzing and crackling]

[VCR clicks and whines]

[squealing]

[rhythmic laughter]

[upbeat music]

- [yawns]

- I KNOW IT'S YOU

BABY, I DON'T MIND

BUT I WON'T PICK UP

PAY NO MIND:

'CAUSE IT FEELS

LIKE A GOOD ONE TODAY

YES, IT FEELS

LIKE A GOOD ONE TODAY

SO MUCH BETTER:

- YOU DON'T DO I FIVE TIMES A DAY, THOUGH.

LIKE, THAT'S A LIE.

- WELL, I TRY.

- HEY, GUYS.

- WILL.

YOU'RE WAY EARLY

FOR THE NEW STOCK.

WE HAVEN'T EVEN UNPACKED

THE BOXES YET.

- I JUST, UH--

I JUST NEED MONEY TO BUY A RING.

- [clears throat]

- A RING?

- YOU MEAN A RING, RING--

RING?

- YES, RING.

HOW MUCH WILL YOU GIVE ME?

- [clears throat]

- OKAY, LET'S HAVE IT.

- NO WOMAN

IS WORTH THE FIRST ISSUE

OF FANTASTIC FOUR,

AND YOU KNOW IT.

THIS IS A CULTURAL LANDMARK.

IT IS F***ING ART,

AND YOU WANT TO SELL I TO BUY SOME COOZE A DIAMOND?

- SHE DIDN'T MEAN THAT.

- HMM.

HAS SHE EVEN READ

FANTASTIC FOUR, HMM?

CAN SHE NAME ONE TEAM MEMBER?

[whispers] ONE?

- ABDUL, HOW MUCH?

- [whispering]

A PLAGUE ON BOTH YOUR HOUSES.

[scoffs]

- SO ARE WE IN BUSINESS?

- LET'S DO IT.

- ALL RIGHT.

[upbeat rock music]

[clattering and screaming]

- JEN?

JEN! JEN!

WHERE THE F*** ARE MY KEYS?

JEN!

JEN!

[grunts]

[suspenseful music]

- [screaming]

- I'M COMING, BABY.

[grunts]

[squeals]

[squeals and grunts]

JEN, I'M COMING, BABY!

I'M HERE.

RICKY SHREDDER, COME ON,

LET'S SAVE MOMMY.

- YEAH.

COME ON.

YEAH!

- JEN?

- [gasping]

OH, MY GOD, STOP.

- I HEARD SCREAMING.

IS HE HURTING YOU?

- OH, HEY.

- YEAH.

- OKAY.

- [sighs]

- SO SHOULD I JUST FINISH

INSIDE YOU OR WHAT?

YEAH, UH-HUH.

- UH-HUH.

[moaning and gasping]

[echoing moaning]

HEY, SWEETIE.

- HEY, JEN.

- HOW YOU FEELING?

- OH, GOD, I JUST HAD

THE MOST AWFUL NIGHTMARE.

I DREAMT THAT I CAME OVER HERE

AND HEARD YOU SCREAMING,

AND YOU WERE JUST BANGING THIS--

- GOT YOU THIS ICE PACK

FOR YOUR ANKLE.

- A**HOLE!

- EASY, BRO.

- WILL.

- WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU?

- OKAY,

IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK.

- I THINK IT'S YOU

HAVING SEX WITH ANOTHER GUY.

PLEASE TELL ME:

IF IT'S POSSIBLY ANYTHING ELSE.

- MM, NO, THAT--THAT WAS IT.

- F*** YOU!

- OKAY, OKAY.

EVERYBODY TAKE I DOWN A NOTCH HERE, OKAY?

- WILL, IT WAS JUST SEX.

- WELL, IT WAS

SPECTACULAR SEX, REALLY.

I--I KNOW.

- SHUT UP.

- I--SPECTACULAR.

LOOK, TEMPERS ARE FLARING HERE,

AND EMOTIONS ARE RAW,

SO I THINK IT'S BEST MAYBE

IF I JUST LEAVE:

BEFORE SOMEONE SAYS SOMETHING

OR DOES SOMETHING

THAT THEY CAN'T TAKE BACK.

- I HOPE YOUR DICK ROTS OFF.

- LIKE THAT.

NOW, I KNOW YOU'RE GONNA REGRE THAT STATEMENT LATER,

BUT I ACKNOWLEDGE

YOUR RESENTMENT,

AND I ACCEPT IT.

CALL YOU LATER.

- OKAY.

- YOU'RE GONNA WAN TO KEEP THAT ELEVATED

WITH THE ICE:

RIGHT WHERE IT IS THERE.

OKAY.

YOU ARE AN ANGRY LITTLE MAN.

[door clicks]

- OH, GOD,

THIS ISN'T HAPPENING.

THIS ISN'T HAPPENING.

- WILL, WILL, WILL,

PLEASE, JUST--

OKAY, JUST LISTEN TO ME.

- STEVE, HIS--HIS NAME IS STEVE.

YEAH, WELL, THAT'S--

I FEEL A WHOLE LOT BETTER

KNOWING YOU'RE--THERE'S--

YOU WERE JUST HAVING FUN

WITH STEVE.

THERE'S NO EMOTIONAL CONNECTION

TO STEVE.

- NO, OKAY, OKAY, BUT SEE,

THAT'S--THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT.

I'M STILL IN LOVE WITH YOU.

BUT THERE'S JUST SOMETHING

MISSING IN OUR RELATIONSHIP,

SOMETHING PHYSICAL,

AND YOU'RE JUST NOT GIVING I TO ME.

- WHAT DOES STEVE GIVE YOU

THAT I CAN'T?

- SCREAM.

HE MAKES ME SCREAM.

THE WAY YOU HEARD ME SCREAM,

THE WAY I--

I WANT TO SCREAM.

- THIS IS A SEX THING?

- YES.

- NO, WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU'RE TRYING TO--

YOU'RE TRYING TO TELL ME

THAT I CAN'T GIVE YOU--

- NO.

- THAT I'VE NEVER GIVEN YOU AN--

- NOT ONCE.

- YOU'VE HAD ORGASMS.

- NAH, I--I WAS FAKING IT.

- I'VE HEARD YOU.

NOT EVERY TIME.

- EVERY TIME.

YOU'VE ACTUALLY NEVER

HEARD ME CLIMAX,

NOT--NOT FOR REAL.

OKAY, WHAT YOU HEARD

BEFORE YOU CAME IN THAT ROOM,

THAT'S WHAT I SOUND LIKE.

GOD, I'M SO SORRY, WILL.

I DIDN'T--I DIDN'T WANT YOU

TO FIND OUT LIKE THIS.

WAIT.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

OKAY, COME ON, I LOVE YOU.

- BUT WHAT?

BECAUSE I DON'T PLUG YOUR OUTLE THE RIGHT WAY,

YOU'RE GONNA THROW AWAY

A YEAR AND A HALF TOGETHER?

YOU--YOU--YOU COULDN'T TALK

TO ME ABOUT THIS,

GIVEN ME THE CHANCE TO IMPROVE?

- WE HAVE TALKED ABOUT THIS

NUMEROUS TIMES,

AND YOU JUST DON'T LISTEN.

YOU IMPROVE FOR A DAY OR SO,

BUT YOU DON'T GET CLOSE

TO GETTING ME OFF.

AND THEN YOU GO BACK

TO HUMPING SO FAST,

IT'S LIKE YOU'RE TRYING TO WIN

SOME SORT OF WORLD SPEED RECORD.

- OH, JESUS,

SO I'M TOO FAST TOO.

- YEAH.

- DID YOU HAVE

ANY OTHER CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM

YOU'D LIKE TO GIVE ME

BEFORE WE PART WAYS?

- WELL, YOU KNOW

THAT HIGH-PITCHED NOSE WHISTLE

WHEN YOU'RE FINISHING?

IT DOESN'T DO YOU ANY FAVORS.

[sighs]

I'M SORRY.

YOU ASKED.

I...

- RICKY SHREDDER,

GO TO MOMMY.

- COME HERE.

- SIT.

RICKY SHREDDER,

TAKE CARE OF MOMMY.

- OKAY, WAIT A MINUTE.

WHY DID--

WHY DID YOU STOP BY TODAY?

- I CAME BY TO ASK YOU...

[chuckles]

TO ASK YOU IF YOU KNOW

WHO JOHNNY STORM IS.

- UH, THE SLEAZY WEATHER GUY

ON CHANNEL SEVEN?

- IT'S THE FANTASTIC FOUR.

HAVE A NICE LIFE.

- WILL, I'M SORRY.

[bouncy percussive music]

- HEY.

- WHOA,

THERE'S MY NEWLY ENGAGED SON.

[laughing]

HOW'D SHE REACT?

COME ON, I WANT THE DETAILS.

- SHE SCREAMED

A LOT.

- YOU KNOW,

WHEN I PROPOSED TO YOUR MOTHER,

SHE WAS SO ECSTATIC,

SHE GAVE ME HUMMERS

EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR A MONTH.

- GOD, DAD.

- NO, LISTEN.

BLOW JOBS GO THE WAY

OF BETA TAPE AND DRIVE-IN MOVIES

ONCE YOU'RE MARRIED,

SO STRIKE WHILE THE IRON'S HOT.

- YOU WEARING MY CLOTHES?

- I NEED SOME SWEET NECTAR

TO ATTRACT A CERTAIN BEE.

- WHO?

- YOUR MOTHER.

- YOU HAVE A DATE WITH MOM?

- SHE HAS A DATE,

AND I'M FOLLOWING HER

TO MAKE SURE THE LOSER

KEEPS HIS INMATE

IN SOLITARY CONFINEMENT.

- [sniffs]

DID YOU PUT ON COLOGNE

TO STALK MOM?

- DRAKKAR NOIR.

- OH, JESUS.

- HER FAVORITE.

LISTEN,

I GOT TO GET MY PORN BACK,

BUT I'M NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO

BEFORE THE STORE CLOSES.

THERE'S 10 BUCKS IN IT FOR YOU.

- 10 BUCKS?

WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM, EIGHT?

- MAKE IT 20.

- WISH ME LUCK.

- OH, DEAR LORD.

- SHE'S BEAUTIFUL.

[bed creaks]

- SHE WAS.

SHE'S OUT OF MY LIFE NOW.

- SOLD HER TO BUY JEN'S RING?

- YEAH.

A RING SHE DIDN'T WANT.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

SHE SAID NO?

I THOUGHT YOU TWO WERE HAPPY.

- I WAS,

BUT I GUESS THAT IN ALL

THIS TIME WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER,

I NEVER MANAGED TO...

GET HER OFF.

- SHE BROKE UP WITH YOU

FOR THAT,

I MEAN, WITHOUT EVEN TELLING YOU

HOW TO FIX IT?

- SHE SAID SHE DID--

THAT I DIDN'T LISTEN.

- WELL, ANY GIRL WHO SAYS THA IS EITHER LYING

OR TRYING TO FIND

A EASY WAY OUT.

- NO, SHE'S RIGHT.

I SUCK IN BED, DUDE.

- YEAH, HOW COULD YOU

POSSIBLY KNOW THAT FOR SURE?

- I ASKED.

- [laughs]

WILL, WE WENT OUT FOR A COUPLE

OF MONTHS SOPHOMORE YEAR.

I MEAN, I CAN BARELY REMEMBER

WHAT I HAD FOR BREAKFAST,

LET ALONE WHETHER OR NO I GOT OFF WHEN WE HAD SEX.

- [laughing]

- YEAH, IT NEVER HAPPENED.

- OH.

- HOW ABOUT A CAPPUCCINO

ON THE HOUSE?

- IT'S SO FUNNY

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