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YOU SHOULD ASK ABOUT THIS, WILL,

'CAUSE JUST THE OTHER DAY,

SOME OF MY GIRLFRIENDS AND I

WERE RECOUNTING:

OUR WORST SEXUAL EXPERIENCE,

AND YOU JUST HAPPENED

TO COME TO MIND.

UGH, TOO YOUNG

AND INEXPERIENCED.

AM I RIGHT?

[laughing]

- YOU WERE THE BEST LAY

I EVER HAD,

AND I'VE BEEN SEARCHING

FOR THAT FEELING

EVER SINCE WE BROKE UP.

THERE, WILL THAT HELP YOU

SLEEP BETTER?

GOD, YOU LOSERS

AND YOUR QUARTER-LIFE

PANIC ATTACKS--

IF I HAD A BUCK FOR EVERY TIME

YOU PUSSIES GOT LONELY

AND ASKED HOW YOU WERE IN BED,

I'D HAVE MY FAT SUCKED OFF

INSTEAD OF DOING THIS CRAP

FIVE TIMES A WEEK.

GOD, THANKS A LOT, PRICK!

- I'M SORRY, WILL.

- YOU A TRULY...

- TERRIBLE LAY.

- SHE WAS MY NEIGHBOR

WHEN I WAS GROWING UP.

SHE HAD SOFT HANDS.

- UGH.

LOOK, THIS--THIS IS NO YOUR FAULT, ALL RIGHT?

ANY OF THESE WOMEN

COULD HAVE TAKEN TWO SECONDS

OUT OF THEIR LIVES TO TELL YOU

YOU WERE MISSING SOMETHING,

BUT THEY DIDN'T.

THIS IS THEIR FAILURE,

NOT YOURS.

- I'M STILL THE ONE

WHO GOT DUMPED.

- SO YOU HAVE A FEW BAD HABITS,

A COUPLE OF MISSED OPPORTUNITIES

TO MAKE UP FOR.

- I LOST MY VIRGINITY

WHEN I WAS 14.

THAT'S ALMOST HALF MY LIFE.

- OKAY.

WE NEED TO GET YOU

BACK INTO REHAB RIGHT AWAY.

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

- WE'RE GONNA GO OUT AND FIND

THE EASIEST CHICK OUT THERE

AND HOP BACK ON:

THIS FLESH SADDLE,

AND THEN TOMORROW,

YOU'RE GONNA DO THE SAME.

AND THEN THIS WEEKEND,

YOU'RE GONNA DO IT AGAIN,

AND YOU'RE GONNA KEEP DOING I UNTIL YOU'VE BANGED

ENOUGH SKANKS:

TO HONE YOUR CRAFT.

- I DON'T WANT TO HAVE SEX

WITH A BUNCH OF WOMEN.

I JUST WANT JEN.

- I KNOW YOU DO,

BUT SHE DOESN'T WANT YOU UNLESS

YOU'VE FIXED YOUR PROBLEM,

SO WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO IS,

YOU'RE GONNA GO OUT,

BANG A COUPLE OF EASY SKEEZIES,

AND THEN GO BACK TO HER

WITH WHAT YOU'VE LEARNED,

SHOW HER WHAT YOU'RE MADE OF.

- YOU REALLY THINK

IF I BECOME A BETTER LOVER,

SHE'LL TAKE ME BACK?

- NOT IF YOU

USE THE WORD "LOVER."

[both chuckling]

- I GOT TO GO TO WORK.

- ALL RIGHT.

9:
30, OPERATION TANG BANG

BEGINS.

CONDOMS ARE ON ME.

- [groans]

DAD.

- HEY, CAN I ACTUALLY BORROW

THAT 20 TO BUY THE CONDOMS?

[driving techno music]

- HOW YOU DOING, SIR?

HOLD ON ONE SECOND, PLEASE.

YEAH, OUR CLUB'S

ACTUALLY AT CAPACITY RIGHT NOW.

I'M GONNA NEED YOU TO WAI FOR ABOUT FIVE MINUTES.

- AIN'T--AIN'T THIS

THE PARTY SUPPLY STORE?

- YES, BUT WE'RE AT CAPACITY

RIGHT NOW,

SO I'M GONNA NEED YOU

TO WAIT A COUPLE MINUTES

JUST BECAUSE WE ADHERE

TO A VERY STRICT FIRE--

- LOOK, I GOT TO GET A PIATA

FOR MY DAUGHTER'S BIRTHDAY.

YOU GOT TO--YOU BETTER GE TO STEPPIN' WITH THIS SH*T.

- YEAH, I UNDERSTAND.

JUST GIVE ME--

- IF YOU DON'T MOVE THAT ROPE,

I'M GONNA TAKE YOU,

STICK YOU IN A F***ING CAR,

FILL YOU UP WITH CANDY,

LET MY KIDS GO TO TOWN

AND BEAT THE SH*T OUT OF YOU.

THEN--THEN--

OH, OKAY, THAT'S

WHAT I THOUGHT, MOTHERF***ER.

- THANK YOU, SIR.

I LOVE MY JOB.

- HANDS LIKE THIS

- OH

- LOOK AT ALL THE PARTY PEOPLE.

WHOO! WHOO!

RELATIO, WHAT'S THE HAPS

AFTER WORK, MY MAN?

A LITTLE BOOZE AND B*TCHES,

AM I RIGHT, HUH?

- I THINK I'M GONNA DROP OFF

SOME DVDs AND HEAD HOME, RYAN.

- YOU SURE?

'CAUSE PEEP THIS.

I GOT VIP PASSES

TO THAT NEW STRIP CLUB,

THE THROBBING UNICORN,

HUH, HUH?

SOMEONE JUST LEFT THESE

ON MY WINDSHIELD.

I JUST FOUND 'EM THERE.

HUH, CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT SH*T?

- I'M GOOD.

THANKS ANYWAY.

- ALL RIGHT,

MORE LAP DANCES FOR ME.

all:
HI.

- OH, HI.

- HI.

- GET IN HERE.

LOOK AT THAT ASS, RIGHT?

HOLD UP.

STOP.

YOU, PERM THE NAP.

MAYBE LOSE A LITTLE BI OF THE WEIGHT AROUND THE HIPS,

ALL RIGHT?

MAYBE GET ON THE LAP-BAND.

SHOW A LITTLE MORE CLEAVAGE,

AND YOU'RE IN NEXT TIME, OKAY?

- BUT WE'RE TWINS.

- PSH, YEAH, RIGHT.

AND THIS GUY'S BLACK.

SHE'S NOT WEARING A BRA.

YOU ARE.

WHAT IS THIS,

A WRIGLEY DOUBLEMINT COMMERCIAL

OR SOMETHING?

- SORRY ABOUT THAT.

UH...

[clattering]

- OOH, OOH, PLEASE,

CAN I PLEASE COME IN?

- WE'RE CLOSING.

- I KNOW.

I KNOW,

BUT I WILL BE SO SUPER QUICK,

LIKE, BLINK AND YOU MISS ME--

THE FLASH WITH B*OBS.

- YOU KNOW WHO THE FLASH IS?

- SUPER SPEED, LITTLE

WINGY THINGIES ON HIS MASK,

HIS REAL NAME'S BARRY ALLEN.

MY BROTHER:

WAS A COMIC BOOK GEEK,

SO I KIND OF GOT GEEK EDUCATION

BY OSMOSIS.

- I MIGHT BE

ONE OF THOSE COMIC BOOK GEEKS.

- YOU?

- YEAH.

- NO.

TOO CUTE.

- AH, IN AND OUT.

- STEALTH-LIKE.

[techno music]

EXCUSE ME?

DO YOU GUYS CARRY PIATAS?

- DO I LOOK LIKE I WORK HERE?

- OH.

- I'M JUST KIDDING.

I'M MAITRE D'.

I'M JUST STACKING CUPS.

LET ME GO GET A SERVER

AND JUST--YEAH.

- HELLO, THERE.

CAN I HELP YOU WITH ANYTHING?

- NO, I'M GOOD, THANKS.

- SURE?

- YEAH.

- MY NAME IS RYAN, MANAGER.

- OKAY.

- I'LL BE AROUND.

- ALL RIGHT, COOL, THANK YOU.

- ALL RIGHT, YEAH.

DELICIOUS.

LOVE REDHEADS:

- RUFF, RUFF.

I FOUND YOU ONE LAST PIATA.

- OH.

AWESOME.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

- YEAH.

- IT'S PERFECT.

- COOL, JUST LET ME KNOW.

I CAN GIVE YOU A HAND OU IF YOU NEED IT.

- OKAY, THANKS.

- WELL, THANK YOU FOR SHOPPING

AT BEHIND THE VELVET ROPE.

WE STAYED OPEN AFTER HOURS

FOR YOU.

I JUST WANT TO LET YOU KNOW,

UH, NEXT WEEK,

WE'RE HAVING A HAPPY HOUR,

TWO FOR ONE,

SO YOU SHOULD COME TO THAT.

YEAH, OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

[groans]

TASTY:

- [sniffs]

- HMM?

- YOU SMELL LIKE WET DOG ASS.

- I WORK OVER

AT THE RITZ HOWLTON, SO...

- IS THAT THE FROUFROU

DOG KENNEL ON COTNER?

- YOU KNOW, WE PREFER CANINE SPA

AND MEDITATION RETREAT.

- OH.

- WHAT?

- THAT'S CUTE.

- MOCK IF YOU LIKE,

BUT, UH,

I KNOW ABOUT 30 DOGS

WITH PRETTIER NAILS

THAN EITHER OF YOU.

- I'M A CAT PERSON,

SO...

- SHE'S ANGRY A LOT.

[both chuckling]

SO A LOT OF STUFF

FOR A DOG PARTY.

- YEAH, WELL, ONE OF MY BOARDERS

HAD PUPPIES LAST MONTH,

SO SHE'S THROWING

A LITTLE BIRTHDAY BASH.

- FUN.

- YEAH.

DO YOU WANT TO COME?

- I DON'T HAVE A DOG.

THAT OKAY?

- THAT IS OKAY,

BECAUSE THEN YOU CAN ADOP ONE OF THE PUPPIES.

COME ON.

- [chuckles]

- THANKS

FOR BRINGING THE BOXES...

- YOU'RE WELCOME.

- WITH YOUR ENTIRE CREW.

- THEY'RE--

[sighs]

HAVE FUN AT THE PARTY.

- THANK YOU.

- DO YOU NEED CUPS?

OR DOES EVERYBODY DRINK

OUT OF THE SAME PUNCH BOWL?

- YOU KNOW WHAT?

JUST FOR THAT,

YOU'RE COMING TO MY PARTY.

- AM I NOW?

- YES, YOU ARE.

- I'M WILL,

COMIC BOOK GEEK.

- EMMA, THE FLASH

WITH B*OBS.

- YEAH.

- WHAT'S YOUR ADDRESS?

- 1768 GLENDON.

- ALL RIGHT, IT'S A SATURDAY

FROM NOON TO 3:
00,

AND I'LL DROP AN INVITE

IN THE NEXT COUPLE DAYS.

- OKAY.

- OKAY?

- COOL.

- BYE.

- I'M NOT GONNA ADOPT A DOG.

- THAT'S WHAT THEY ALL SAY.

[keys jingling]

[relaxed jazzy music]

- [panting]

- GOOD NIGHT, MR. ROCHA,

AND TAKE IT EASY

ON YOURSELF THIS TIME.

THERE'S DELICATE FLESH

DOWN THERE.

WHY, HELLO, YOUNG STRANGER.

I SEE YOU'RE RETURNING

YOUR ADULT FEATURES.

- NO, THESE AREN'T MINE.

- WELL, WHY YOU'RE HERE,

WHY DON'T WE GRAB A FEW MORE

FOR YOUR HOME VIEWING

ENTERTAINMENT?

- NO, NO,

I DON'T ACTUALLY NEED ANY MORE.

IT'S JUST FINE.

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