Screwed Page #3

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[door rattles]

- LOOK AT WHAT I FOUND

ON OUR DOORSTEP.

- DID HE COME BY

TO GET SOME PORN, POP?

- HE SURE DID, BILLY.

WHY DON'T YOU AND MARTY

TAKE THIS HORNY BUSTER BROWN

INTO OUR VIDEO VAUL WHERE HE CAN BROWSE

OUR MANY FINE SELECTIONS?

- YOUR HOME IS A MOVIE SHOP?

- OH, JUST THE ONE ROOM,

AND IT'S ADULT DVDs

AND VIDEOS ONLY.

BUT NEXT WEEK,

WE'LL BE LAUNCHING

OUR LIVE WEB STREAMING.

WHY, GRAHAM,

ARE YOU SURE THIS ONE

DOESN'T NEED A LEGAL GUARDIAN

TO WATCH OUR MOVIES?

- I MIGHT NEED TO CHECK

SOME I.D.

[laughter]

- COME ON, WE HAVE TONS

OF NEAT-O SMUT.

- COME ON, MARTY,

TAKE HIM DOWNSTAIRS.

[door creaks]

[ominous music]

- WHOA.

- WE JUST GOT THIS ONE IN.

YOU LIKE HERMAPHRODITES,

RIGHT?

- UH, AREN'T YOU GUYS

A LITTLE YOUNG TO BE IN HERE?

- GOSH, MISTER, WE'RE NO A COUPLE OF HOWDY DOODYS.

PORN IS USED TO KEEP SHIFTLESS

PERVERTS OFF THE STREETS.

- MOM AND POP SAY,

IF MORE PEOPLE WATCH PORN,

MARRIAGES WOULD LAST LONGER

'CAUSE COUPLES

WOULDN'T GET BORED

AND GO LOOKING OUTSIDE THE HOME

FOR SEXUAL GRATIFICATION.

- JUST PUT THIS ONE

RIGHT BACK IN THERE.

- CHILDREN, GIVE US A MINUTE.

- AW, SHUCKS.

I DIDN'T GE TO SHOW YOU ANYTHING

FROM THE BARELY LEGAL SECTION.

- NOW, NOW,

LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER.

- RUN ALONG.

[relaxed jazzy music]

AREN'T THEY ANGELS?

WHY, I THINK THEY

COULD RUN OUR LITTLE BUSINESS

BETTER THAN US.

[both laughing]

- HA, YEAH, UH, LOOK.

I'M SURE YOU HAVE

A GREAT SELECTION HERE,

BUT I JUST KIND OF WANTED

TO RETURN THOSE AND--

AND NOTHING ELSE I NEED FOR...

[eerie music]

[echoing moan]

[funky bass music]

WHAT IS THIS?

- WELL.

THAT IS A VERY SPECIAL FILM,

YOUNG MAN,

THE CONTENTS OF WHICH

DEFY THE LOGIC:

OF EVERYTHING YOU KNOW

ABOUT LOVEMAKING.

IF YOU WATCH THAT FILM,

YOUR LIFE WILL CHANGE FOREVER.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

- THAT VIDEO

HAS GREAT POWER INSIDE.

WITHIN ITS MAGNETIC TAPE

LIES A MAGIC:

THAT GIVES ITS VIEWER THE POWER

TO BECOME ONE OF THE WORLD'S

GREATEST SEXUAL BEINGS.

- YOUR ENDURANCE

WILL NEVER FAIL.

- YOUR STAMINA

WILL NEVER CEASE.

- YOUR KNOWLEDGE

OF THE OPPOSITE SEX

WILL BECOME INFINITE AND EXACT.

- AND EVERY WOMAN YOU LIE WITH

WILL ALWAYS BE SATISFIED.

- MANY, MANY TIMES OVER.

- AS IF YOU WERE THE STAR

OF YOUR VERY OWN

NEVER-ENDING PORNOGRAPHIC FILM.

- I GET IT.

IT'S A JOKE, RIGHT?

NATHAN CALLED YOU GUYS,

SAID I WAS ON MY WAY OVER, YEAH.

- YOUNG MAN, WE KNOW NOTHING

ABOUT YOU OR YOUR FRIEND.

- WE NEVER TELL ANYONE

WHO COMES HERE ABOUT THAT TAPE.

IT KNOWS WHO NEEDS HELP,

AND WHATEVER:

YOUR INTIMACY ISSUES ARE,

THEY WILL BECOME A THING

OF THE PAST.

- I DON'T HAVE INTIMACY ISSUES.

[both laughing]

[both sigh]

- THERE ARE THREE RULES

TO OBEY.

OTHERWISE, THE POWER

THE FILM GIVES YOU WILL BE LOST.

ONE, FOLLOW THE ORDER

OF THE WOMEN:

YOU SEE ON THE TAPE.

YOU MUST HAVE SEX WITH EACH,

BUT DO NOT SKIP ONE

TO MOVE ON TO THE NEXT.

- TWO, IF YOU FAIL TO SLEEP

WITH ALL THE WOMEN ON THE TAPE,

YOU WILL LOSE YOUR GAINED SKILL

AND KNOWLEDGE.

- THREE, THE TAPE

MUST BE RETURNED

EXACTLY 30 DAYS FROM TONIGHT.

YOU MUST FINISH YOUR JOURNEY

BY THAT TIME,

OR ALL OF YOUR EXPERIENCES

BECOME NOTHING BUT MEMORIES

FOR YOU AND YOU ALONE.

WELL, NOW THAT THA SUPER SERIOUS BALLYHOO

IS OUT OF THE WAY,

WHO WANTS AN EGG CREAM?

both:
I DO.

COME ON.

[slurping]

[laughter]

- SOMEONE SURE LOVES EGG CREAM.

- OH, DON'T TEASE THE BOY.

HE'S GONNA NEED

ALL THE ENERGY HE CAN GET.

[both laughing]

- SO SEE YOU IN A MONTH.

all:
SEE YOU IN A MONTH.

[relaxed jazzy music]

[engine revving]

- HEY, PLAYER,

CAN YOU HELP A BROTHER OUT?

I'M LOOKING FOR THIS CLUB

CALLED THE THROBBING UNICORN.

YOU KNOW, SOMEBODY

LEFT THESE FREE PASSES

ON MY WINDSHIELD.

I MEAN,

WHO DOES THAT SH*T, RIGHT?

ANYHOO,

TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT,

AM I EVEN IN THE RIGH MOTHERFUCKING NEIGHBORHOOD?

- YEAH, ACTUALLY,

TAKE A LEFT.

GO TO THE LIGHT.

TAKE A RIGHT.

AND THEN IT'LL BE

ON YOUR LEFT-HAND SIDE.

- SWEET.

THANK YOU, WILL.

I'D ASK YOU

TO COME ALONG WITH ME TONIGHT,

BUT, UM...

[sniffs]

YOU GOT SOME IMPORTANT BUSINESS

TO ATTEND TO,

SO YOU HURRY ON HOME,

AND YOU WATCH THAT VIDEO.

THAT SH*T'S GONNA CHANGE

YOUR LIFE, SON.

[laughing]

PEACE.

[laughing]

[tires screech]

- WEIRD.

WAIT, HOW DOES THAT STRANGE GUY

KNOW MY NAME?

[jaunty orchestral music]

YES.

YES.

[VCR whines]

OOH.

[tape squealing]

WAIT.

WAS THAT ME?

[tape squealing]

OH--OH, SH*T.

AH, YES.

WAIT.

NO, NO, COME ON.

OH, OH,

YES, YES, YES.

WOW.

NO, GO BACK.

COME ON.

SLO-MO, SLO-MO--

MOTION.

[zapping]

[electricity crackling]

ting!

[peaceful instrumental music]

[knock at door]

- ANYBODY HOME?

HEY, MAN, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU

LAST NIGHT?

DID YOU GET MY MESSAGES--

OH, MY GOD!

WHAT, DID YOU TRY TO F***

A LIGHT SOCKET?

- UM, I--THERE WAS--

[sighs]

- LISTEN,

IF IT'S THAT MUCH EFFOR TO TRY TO LIE

ABOUT YOUR KINKY FETISHES,

I JUST DON'T CARE.

GET DRESSED.

OPERATION TANG BANG

STARTED WITHOUT YOU, BUDDY.

WE GOT TO MAKE UP

FOR LOST TIME.

- WE'RE WORKING OUT?

- SHEEP'S WOOL

FOR YOUR WOLFLIKE INTERIOR.

- WHAT?

- JUST TRUST ME.

WE'RE GONNA F***

SOME LITTLE PIGGIES.

[upbeat music]

- REACH DOWN.

TURN YOUR LEFT ARM FORWARD.

REACH FROM YOUR HIP BONE

TO YOUR BACK.

YOU WANT TO EXTEND OU TO THE CROWN OF YOUR HEAD.

AS YOU HOLD YOUR BELLY IN,

SOFTEN THROUGH:

YOUR SHOULDER BLADES,

AND REACH YOUR HEELS BACK.

CHATURANGA.

- DUDE, I CAN'T BELIEVE

YOU MADE ME PAY 20 BUCKS

JUST TO F***ING BREATHE.

- ARE YOU KIDDING?

WILL YOU LOOK AROUND?

THIS IS EXACTLY THE TYPE OF GIRL

YOU SHOULD BE NAILING--

FLEXIBLE.

- PRESS ONE HEEL DOWN

AT A TIME,

AND OPEN UP INTO VASHISTASANA.

AND TURNING THE LEFT PALM

FORWARD,

SLIDE THE LEFT SHOULDER

DOWN THE BACK.

- GOD, NO!

- ARE YOU OKAY?

- UH, YEAH.

I KNOW YOU.

- YOU DO?

[echoing moan]

SO ARE YOU OKAY?

CAN YOU FINISH?

- YEAH, TOTALLY.

[electricity buzzing

and crackling]

UM, ARE YOU OKAY?

- FINE, JUST FINE.

LET'S DO THE SECOND SIDE.

MOVE INTO PLANK POSE, PLEASE.

VASHISTASANA, SECOND SIDE...

- DUDE, SHE TOUCHED YOU.

- YEAH, SO?

- [whispers]

THAT'S AMAZING.

- LEFT HAND, LEFT FOOT,

STACKING YOUR HIPS...

- I LOVE YOU.

I'M SORRY.

SORRY.

- "NAM-ASTY."

[applause]

- CLAP.

[indistinct chatter]

[chuckles] DUDE.

THERE'S NO WAY

YOU'RE HITTING THAT.

I MEAN, EVERY GUY IN HERE

HAS ASKED HER OUT.

SHE'S--SHE'S LIKE AIR FORCE ONE

WITH HER OWN F-16.

THERE'S NO PENETRATING

THAT AIRSPACE.

OOH, HEY, TIGHT PANTS GIRL--

TIGHT, HEY--

[whistling

and clicking tongue]

COME HERE.

- HEY, I'M WILL,

UH, FALLING GUY.

I JUST WANTED TO THANK YOU

FOR NOT KICKING ME OUT EARLIER.

- I'M MARIE.

I THOUGHT YOU DID GREAT,

THIS BEING YOUR FIRST CLASS.

- YOU NOTICED THAT, HUH?

- I DON'T DATE MY STUDENTS,

WILL.

- NO, THAT'S NO WHAT I'M TRYING TO DO.

- THEN WHAT ARE YOU

TRYING TO DO?

- UM...

THIS.

- IS THA SUPPOSED TO TURN ME ON?

- YES.

- GO SLOWER, WILL,

MORE GENTLE.

I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

- YEAH, YEAH, COOL.

WAIT, LIKE, WE'RE REALLY

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