Scrooged Page #3

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I have three dogs.

- Go tell Reader's Digest.

Staples.

Same old Claire.

Still trying to save the world.

You still trying to run it?

GET OUTTA HERE.

- YOU called me.

Who are you?

You little worm. Who are you?

How'd you get in here? Maybe you'll

answer some questions downtown, huh?

What is going on?.

This is my boy.

- OK. YOU beat him.

Does he work here?

No. I thought it'd be fun

for him to see a live TV show.

D'you see anybody having fun?

Why are you so angry?

Why haven't

YOU ever learnt to button a coat?

You know me, I just like...

I was in a hurry.

I'm sorry to have called so late last night.

Did I wake your husband and kids?

- No, no. I've never gotten married.

You?

Er, no.

Never?

- No.

Would you hold the goddamned

hammering, please.

I'd better go.

- NO. Don't go.

Would you HOLD THE GODDAMNED

HAMMERlNG, PLEASE.

Frank, what did happen last night?

Claire, it was something that I ate.

Probably a bad clam or something.

Well, if it happens again...

...gimme a call here.

I'm hardly ever home.

I'm definitely gonna call.

I'm a seafood nut and

to not eat clams - what's life for?

Would ya please...

...for the love of God and

your own body, hold the hammering.

Claire?

Sir, the Times want a reaction

to the woman's death.

It was probably something she ate.

He says, 'It's something she ate.'

- Oh, gee. Oh.

This is Frank Cross. We are appalled

by this senseless tragedy...

Would you please hold

the goddamned hammering.

Now.

Sh*t.

- I'm going to lunch.

How's everything going, Frank?

- Couldn't be better, Preston.

Mr Rhinelander, hello. Mr Cross.

May I get you both a drink?

I'll have a highball.

I'll have a highball, too.

You've heard from the embassy?

Yes. We'll be switching

live back and forth...

...from our 'Scrooge' in the studio to Berlin,

where Leroy Neeman's painting the wall.

Then we're shooting out to Africa,

where the Holy Father will baptise

the entire Zulu nation.

I'm afraid you might be

spreading yourself a little thin.

So I've taken the liberty

of hiring somebody to help you.

Great(. )

- I knew you'd be pleased.

I couldn't be more pleased(. ) Who is it?

Pellegrino, rocks, twist...

How are ya?

Oh, look at this.

I know this is coming at you pretty fast,

but I'm only here to take

some of the burden off you.

You might see that as a threat...

That's me.

You will be visited by three ghosts.

Expect the first one tomorrow at noon.

This is coming at you pretty damn fast,

but I'm here to take

some of the burden off you.

That's me. Ever seen such a watch?

My dad gave me this.

But...

But when, er...Preston hired me

this morning as...as a what...a...?

a consultant, I suppose,

I said, 'I'll be one of the team.'

My, er...

My lacrosse coach used to say,

'There's no 'l', in T-E-A-M.'

Here we are, gentlemen.

One for you, sir. And one for you.

I'm terribly sorry, l...

Are you him? Are you him?

Are you 'he'.

I'll take it away.

Don't come apart on me, Frank.

No. No. What was that

your lacrosse coach said?

The point is, Frank...

- Are you ready to order?

Great. I'll have the California

health plate. No dairy in that, huh?

I'll have the rack of lamb today.

Sir?

Oh, my God.

Bobby, look.

Somebody save him.

That's a baked Alaska, sir.

A dessert.

Look.

No, sir, that's meatloaf.

You wouldn't want that,

it's not very...

Sir?

I'm gonna...

- Have...?

Gonna have.

- Have...?

I'm gonna have some air. Excuse me.

I'm sorry.

I thought you were Richard Pryor.

A cab.

- Yes, sir.

Cut through the park...

Whoa. Hey, man. Whoa.

Wrong way, jerk.

Nice hit back there. Solid hit.

Wrong way.

- Relax, Frank. Enjoy the ride.

How do you know my name?

- I know everything. You see...

I'm the ghost.

You don't mind if I smoke?

- Smoke, smoke. Just drive.

Thanks, pal.

What did you do? What did you do?

That's not funny.

Pull over.

Where are we?

Where are we?

You mean 'when are we?'

Look out.

Go back to Jersey, ya moron.

Take me home right now.

- You got it, pal.

Welcome home, Frankie.

Oh, my God.

This is where I grew up.

I thought they tore it down.

They did.

Dad hasn't put up our Christmas lights.

Oh, for Chrissakes, Frank,

it's Christmas Eve.

I get it. You've taken me back

to show me my parents,

and I'm meant to go all blubbery.

Forget it. You got the wrong guy.

That's what Attila the Hun said. But

when he saw his mom, Niagara Falls.

Let's get this over with.

That was a great joke(. )

I love that bit.

Quiet. Somebody will call a cop.

Oh, relax, Frank.

They can't hear or see us.

It's not live.

It's like a re-run. Check it out.

We all drink our Ovaltine every day

to give us our rocket power.

Hello, Earl.

You here, Francis?

I've got something for ya.

Merry Christmas.

- A choo-choo train?

No, it's 5lb of veal.

But, Daddy,

I asked Santa for a choo-choo.

Then go and get a job

and buy a choo-choo.

Earl, he's only four years old.

All day I listen to excuses

why people can't work -...

'My back hurts. My legs ache.

I'm only four.'

He's gotta learn that life's

doesn't come on a silver platter.

I'm going out.

Baby, don't watch too much TV.

OK, Mommy.

Merry Christmas, Frankie, angel.

Merry Christmas, Momma.

Niagara Falls, Frankie, angel.

I was touched by a gift.

A four-year-old kid receives

what at today's prices...

...is a 50 piece of veal.

Frank, you still spent the next

15 years on your ass watching TV.

Check the records. I did some stuff.

I played baseball. One year, I hit

the home-run that won the big game.

That was the kid on

The Courtship Of Eddie's Father.

There was another time, though.

I was on a hill covered with flowers...

...and there was a beautiful

girl with pigtails...

You are so pathetic. That was

The Little House On The Prairie.

Was it the homecoming episode?

Yes, it was the homecoming episode.

Face it, garden slugs

got more outta life than you.

Name one.

Take me to my office.

- Gladly.

Where are we?

It's your office.

- What's going on?

It's a Christmas party.

They've had them since

the dawn of the golden age of TV.

Until YOU took over.

Merry Christmas. Pass those out.

Hey, hey. Hey, Fred.

It's Frank, Mr Hayward.

- Frank.

You didn't notice a big party

going on around here?

Yes, I'll be right out.

I'll just finish this.

- OK.

Merry Christmas.

- Why, thank you, Tina.

Frank.

- Hi.

Merry Christmas.

- Merry Christmas.

Do you fancy Chinese food?

No. You're not supposed to eat that stuff.

They use cats in the chop suey.

Don't eat that stuff.

You moron. Get back there.

I don't believe myself.

What an idiot. Did you see Tina?

Frankie, I'm not that dead. Come on.

I must have been insane.

She was crazy about me.

Not that one, Frankie. This one.

Cupid's arrow.

Right between the eyes.

Are you all right?

You shouldn't move someone

after a blow to the head.

Where did I get you?

Right here.

And the sidewalk got me back here.

It's gonna be quite a lump.

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