Scrooged Page #6

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You can check on the satellite links.

We've got three minutes.

- I know.

Break a leg, everybody.

I feel weird about tonight.

Hear that, folks?

This one's for Frank. It's his baby.

Don't lose it on me, huh.

It's been an honour to work

for the great Frank Cross.

I'll dine out on this for months.

I want Grace to take you upstairs,

where things are safer than here. OK?

You're beautiful, Frank.

Got any last tips for me?

Oh, God. Grace, go watch the show.

He's here for me.

You think I'm afraid,

the day I've had?.

I know what you came for.

Come and get it, you p*ssy.

Brice.

- Stop scaring Frank.

Get this nutcake outta here.

Oh, Jesus.

He's in the show

as the Ghost of Christmas Future.

He's great.

That guy's gonna be a big star.

Go watch the show...

Five seconds till we go live.

God bless us, every one.

Tonight, live on lBC,

a Christmas classic -

Charles Dickens' immortal 'Scrooge'.

Ready to roll B.

Coming up on three.

Three, two, one...

And that's it. Slow pull-out.

Down on Houseman. Lights up.

It was a cold, bleak Christmas Eve.

The fog-draped streets of London

were deserted...

He's wonderful.

- Give me the beer.

Yes, sir.

..'Old Ebeneezer Scrooge

was alone in his gloomy chambers.'

As soon as we're off Houseman

move to camera three.

What have we here?

- They're dormice, Uncle.

You see. Works like a charm.

They bring you luck.

Are you lucky?

- Sir, I am.

Your niece is my wife, I have a job,

and it's the holidays.

Holidays, is it?.

'To Frank,

the best brother a guy ever had.'

Merry Christmas.

Where the snow lay round about

Deep and crisp and even

Brightly shone the moon that night

Though the frost was cruel,

when a poor man came inside

Gathering winter fuel

This is indeed a night for revelation.

Thank you for showing me

the true meaning.

Thank me not, Ebenezer, for soon you

shall be visited by the final spirit.

The thing that all men fear the most -

The Ghost of Christmas Future.

Oh, help me.

If you were my friend you'd come by...

Honey, I'm home.

Remember me?

The guy you canned the day

before Christmas? Merry Christmas.

Hello, wabbit.

- Would you give me a chance?

Sure.

- 1,001, 1,002, 1,003.

My God. My babies.

Oh, you'd better watch out...

Can't you get back to me?

I've had a bad day.

YOU'VE had a bad day.

I'll tell you about mine.

I got fired, my wife left me,

she took our little baby daughter...

...with her.

I can't recall much after that because...

...since then...

I've been blind, stinking DRUNK.

He sees you when you're sleeping...

Believe me, Eliot. I'm having

a worse day than you. Much worse.

He knows that you've been bad

So be good for goodness' sake

He's making a list

He's checking it twice

He's gonna find out who's naughty or nice

Santa Claus is coming to town

Oh, it's you.

Creep. God.

Shouldn't you be in the studio?

Back off, big man. It may work

with the chicks. Is this straight?

May l?

Did our people do that?

We're gonna get phone calls.

Visiting hours are over, Mrs Cooley.

I just got here.

- We have to go.

Merry Christmas, Calvin.

I'll see you.

This is a possible future, right?

This is do-able.

I know the head of paediatrics at

NYU. We'll get this kid out of here.

I'm all over this.

Will you look at that.

Where did they come from?

- Hey, you.

Beat it.

- Please?

Gilles, will you look at

those filthy little creatures?.

Immdiatement.

Oh, Claire, Claire.

They're just children.

Please, darling.

Don't tell ME.

I wasted 20 years on pathetic

little creatures like those.

Finally, thank God,

a friend said to me,

'Scrape 'em off, Claire.

'lf you want save somebody,

save yourself.'

I'm sorry, Claire.

Thanks a lot, Lumpy.

Thanks.

That was a lousy thing to do.

Disneyland?

Wendie.

Oh, no.

James. My brother.

He's dead.

Why did this have to happen?

Well, when I get back I'll...

There he is. James.

Who's in there?

'The Lord is my shepherd,

I shall not want.

'He maketh me to lie down

in green pastures,

he leadeth me beside the still waters...'

What the hell are you saying?

What? That I've died?

Why are you showing me this?

Why bother to show me this? Oh, jeez.

Help me.

No. Oh.

Don't let them burn me, James.

Jimmy, don't let them burn me.

I'm in here. Oh, God.

Don't let them do it.

Don't let them do it. I'm in here.

No.

I gotta live.

I wanna live.

Oh, God. I wanna live.

I wanna live.

I wanna live.

I'm alive.

Sh*t. What a break. I'm at work.

It's the sun.

Oh, God. It's the sun. I'm alive.

- Not for long.

Milkman.

Baby, I'm gonna start with you.

Come here.

I'm alive and so are you.

Glad to see me,

or is that a shotgun in your pocket?

OK, you heard it. Come on.

Great.

Don't hurt me.

- Relax. Pinch that.

Coming back. Long sole.

You know this one?

That's my thing.

Here's the deal.

I hire you at twice your old salary.

I make you my vice-president.

Would you like my office?

- No.

That's so you.

- What's the catch?

The catch is that you've got

to take a shower, little man.

There's a problem here. I was

looking for a Francis Xavier Cross.

That's me. But the great thing is,

it's not me.

The Jews taught me this great word -

schmuck. I was a schmuck.

And now I'm not a schmuck.

Wait.

What's the time?

- My watch.

It's a quarter to. We didn't miss it.

We didn't miss it.

- What?

Christmas. Merry Christmas. Wow.

Are you alone in there?

We're gonna have some fun.

We're gonna have fun for once.

Loudermilk and Cross together.

My, what a glorious day.

There has never been such a day.

Say, there.

You, lad.

- Yes, sir. Do you mean me?

Take three.

- Yes, indeed.

Buy me a goose.

The biggest goose in all of London.

Camera three,

follow the coin all the way.

Got it.

Holy sh*t. That's Frank Cross.

He's nuts.

He's finished.

Shut up.

Don't touch that dial.

Mike, say hello to your folks.

- Hi.

Thanks, Mike.

That's Frank Cross.

Is he meant to be on?

- What in the...?

Merry Christmas.

Eliot, how are things up there?

Open his mike.

- Wonderful.

But I don't think

you'll be president tomorrow.

At least I'm network president tonight.

Tomorrow I may not be.

- You can bet your ass on that.

What are you doing watching

television on Christmas Eve.

Paying your salary, you ass.

What sort of idiot would schedule...

...a live show on Christmas Eve?

Only you, Frank.

A week ago I'd have

kicked your butt out of here.

But he's absolutely right.

You're looking at a guy

who told someone today...

...to staple antlers to a mouse's head

to further my career.

How many of you

would try something like that?

Stay on him.

All these people have incredible families,

but I have a great brother.

Look at this guy. Here.

Wasn't he cute?

That's me with the ears - a car with

open doors. Thank God my hair grew.

I got this today from him.

I gave him a towel.

The VCR is from Grace, James.

You were right about everything, OK?

Except...

...the SS Minnow, James.

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