Secondhand Lions Page #2

---

to Fort Worth where your momma is?

She's not there.

She lied...

again.

Listen, kid,

we know you got your heart set on

going to Montana,

but it's late.

Hub, help me out here.

Why? It sounds like

his mind's made up.

Good luck

in Montana, kid.

We've got better maps than that one

at the house, right, Hub?

Yeah, a man needs a good map,

that's for sure.

Sure.

I've been

to the orphan home before.

I don't want to go back.

Damn it, kid,

it ain't our fault you got

a lousy damn mother.

Guess I should get going.

Which way is north?

I'll say one thing

for this kid...

he sure pisses off

the relatives.

Listen, kid,

do us a favor.

If you come back

to the house

and stay awhile,

why, our relatives

are gonna hate it.

I'll bet they hate it

so much,

they go away and leave us all

the hell alone.

- It's crazy enough it might work.

- Sure.

Come on, kid,

help us out here.

I guess I could

come back...

for a while,

seeing it's

so important.

So kid,

how's that root beer?

Uncle Hub,

Uncle Garth,

this has been

such...

a wonderful weekend.

I hate

to bring this up,

but have you two looked

at that will I left for you?

You both need to be thinking

about these things

at your age.

Don't shoot!

Don't shoot.

He's been

here before.

Brothers McCann?

This is

no ordinary salesman.

Hell, I like me

a challenge.

Can we talk?

Come out where

we can see you.

Put down your guns

and I'll come out.

This guy is good.

I'll cover,

you sneak around.

...that's not complete.

What? What do you...

what? What?

- Why not see what he's selling?

- Let me just show it to you.

- What the hell for?

- It's right behind my car.

What's the good having money

if you never spend it?

- Trust me.

- It could be the kid has a point.

Yeah, well...

we'll see

what the man's selling.

- Then we shoot him.

- Good plan.

Whew!

Due to the...

unsettling nature

of our previous encounters...

I took it upon myself to search

the world over for that...

that perfect item

that'd be just right

for two exuberant sportsmen

such as yourselves.

And boys,

well, I do believe

I found it.

Voil!

What is it?

Well, that right there

is the sport of kings.

Up till now, only heads of state

have been able to afford

a fine piece

of equipment like that,

and it is so simple to operate

even this child could do it.

Really?

Here.

I'll tell you what...

you step right up here and chunk

that lever back on my signal, okay?

Go ahead.

Wow!

The most powerful one

on the market,

and very reasonably priced,

I might add.

Well, that is the biggest waste of money

I have ever seen in my entire life.

Mister, you load up that contraption

and get the hell off this land.

We'll take it.

Oh no, you don't!

I won't have my children

around this gun foolishness.

Then leave!

- Come on, Daddy, let's go.

- Come on. Come on.

You know what happens

when my feelings get hurt.

Get in the car.

Get in the car.

Ah, ha

Oh, suey!

Pull!

Pull!

Pull!

- Uncle Hub?

- Don't. I tried to wake him once.

He nearly tore

my head off.

Leave him

for a few minutes.

What are you doing

out here so late?

What's wrong with him?

Well, a man's body

may grow old,

but inside his spirit can still be

as young and restless as ever.

And him...

in his day,

he had more spirit

than 20 men.

It looks like...

he's looking

for something.

- Mm-hmm.

- What?

He's looking for her.

Who?

What was her name?

Jasmine.

Okay, tell me.

You want me

to tell you the story?

Now?

That would take days.

Well, uh...

Hub was always

too restless for Texas.

He convinced our folks

that he needed to go

to Europe,

and I needed

to come along.

That was

the summer of 1914.

I la-like you.

Extra, extra!

Germany invades!

Unfortunately,

just as we arrived in France,

so did the Kaiser

and the entire German Army.

I wanted to go home,

but Hub said we should tour Europe

one step ahead of the Germans.

And we did.

What a time that was.

There were these girls

in Toulon... twins. And they...

...anyway,

we eventually wound up

in Marseilles

with passage booked

on the last ship out of Europe.

And Hub, he decided

that we should spend our last night

enjoying

the local nightlife.

Three, three!

He made friends

with these soldiers,

and they bought us some drinks...

strong, strange drinks.

We woke up on a ship

bound for North Africa...

shanghaied.

- Shanghaied?

- Yeah.

We found ourselves

in the French Foreign Legion.

"It's all my fault," Hub said,

but he told me not to worry.

He'd make sure

nothing happened to me.

We fought many battles

against overwhelming odds.

He saved my life

countless times.

When the war was over,

we both went our separate ways.

I ended up

leading safaris

mostly for writers

and Hollywood folk.

But that was

too tame for Hub.

He got commissions from the new

North African governments,

to put an end

to the slave trade.

No one,

slave trader or Bedouin,

had ever seen anything

like this mad American

who fought like 20 men.

Hey!

What the hell are you two doing

out here in the middle of the night?

Just enjoying

the cool night air.

Either one of you

got a lick of sense,

go to bed.

I'm a rolling stone

from Texas

Rolling stones

from the plains

I am a rolling stone

from Texas, boys

I long to be

back there again

Well, say,

are you from Texas?

That's what

I'm wanting to know

'Cause if we're both

from Texas, boys

Let's bundle up

our clothes and go...

"Dear Walter,

how are you?

Found your uncles' money yet?

Here I am at school

in Fort Worth,

my nose to the court

reporting grind... "

Damn it, brother, I'm not going

anywhere looking like this.

Look like a damn

sharecropper.

We're gardeners.

This is what gardeners wear.

I bought you some clothes too.

They're in your room.

Think how good all these vegetables

are gonna taste.

Peas, beans,

squash, tomatoes.

- Yeah.

- What's this row?

- Beets.

- Beets?

And what about

this row?

- Potatoes.

- Potatoes?

Yeah.

Wait one damn

minute here.

- What's this row here?

- Tomatoes.

- Tomatoes?

- Yeah.

That's lettuce, squash,

sweet potatoes,

carrots, bok choy.

- Bok Choy? What is that?

- Chinese cabbage.

Hey, that row

looks right.

Yeah, well,

this is corn!

All those seeds did look alike,

come to think of it.

- Yeah, like corn.

- Boy...

that seed salesman

sure saw us coming.

No, saw you coming.

Corn, corn, corn!

Nothing but corn.

Corn. Corn.

- By God, it's here!

- Kid, help him unload.

We'll be right back.

Careful, kid.

He's a man-eater.

Is this the McCann place?

We brought your lion.

King of the beasts.

Terror of the jungle.

You bought a lion?

A used lion?

Stand back, kid, you don't want

to get mauled and eaten.

- What are you doing?

- Brother,

this is the best idea

you ever had.

This lion head will sure look good

hanging over our fireplace.

What fireplace?

You don't have a fireplace.

We'll buy one.

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote