Secondhand Lions Page #3

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You're gonna shoot it?

Well, be seeing you.

He's in there, all right.

I don't think this is

very sporting.

Kid, at our age,

this is as sporting as we get.

Walter, come here.

When I give the word,

pull this.

Pull!

Hey.

Come on out of there.

Hey, you

in the crate!

Get your lion butt

out of there.

Looks awful tame.

This lion's no good.

It's...

it's defective.

- It's alive, that's the main thing.

- Go ahead and shoot it then.

No, it wouldn't be sporting,

shooting it inside a crate.

Looks kind of old...

worn-out looking.

Some kind of lion hunt

this is.

Perfect.

A reject.

Some sick

zoo castoff.

So can I keep him?

I'll look after him and take care

of him and feed him and everything!

I never had a pet

of my very own before.

So kid, you want to take care of it,

nurse it back to health?

Good.

Then we shoot it.

That's some lion

you bought.

That's some garden seeds

you bought.

Don't worry, they're not as bad

as they seem right at first.

I'll be right back

with supper.

There.

Now you can see out.

You sure

he can't get out?

She.

It's a girl lion.

I named her Jasmine.

What did you just say?

It seemed like a good name...

for a lion.

I'm sorry it took

awhile to come in.

In 40 years, I never had

a call for it.

"Purina Lion Chow."

I'll be!

If you wait a few minutes,

my boys will load you up.

I got it.

Garth, pay the man.

Be careful.

Mr. McCann, those are bags

that weigh 50 pounds a piece.

Take the other end.

Here we go.

If you two old ladies want

to get in, I'll take you home now.

Hub!

Psst!

Psst!

Little boy!

You're with those

McCann brothers?

I know that they're

ex-mafia hit men.

They're on the run

with millions

that they stole

from Al Capone.

Tell me more

about Africa...

about you and Uncle Hub

and Jasmine.

Why would a smart kid like you

want to hear hokey old stories?

What else

do we have to do?

Where was I?

"No one, slave trader

or Bedouin,

had ever seen anything

like this mad American

who fought

like 20 men. "

Yeah right, right, right.

Well, it so happened...

one of the women

that Hub freed

was handmaiden

to a princess.

When she told her mistress

the story of her rescue,

most of all, she told her about

the handsome, heroic American.

"I must meet this man!"

The princess said.

One day, Hub was riding his horse

along the Mediterranean,

when out of nowhere,

another rider came up alongside.

But you know Hub... he wasn't

about to let a chance pass.

It became a race.

Most people say that Hub

was the best rider in North Africa.

But this other rider

kept neck and neck

as the race went

on and on.

Then the two horses

collided.

The riders went flying

into the sea.

Hub leaped to his feet

ready for anything...

or so he thought.

This was the princess,

the most beautiful woman

he had ever seen.

- Jasmine!

- Jasmine.

Many people say there's

no such thing nowadays,

it's something

you only find in stories,

but when these two set eyes

on each other for the first time,

this was honest to god,

no kidding, sure enough,

once in a lifetime,

love at first sight.

Wait a minute.

If it was true love

they would've been married

and lived happily ever after, right?

Aren't you getting ahead

of the story?

- Okay, keep going.

- Well...

things weren't easy

for them back then.

She was promised

to another man,

a powerful sheik

in a neighboring kingdom.

He heard that Jasmine

was in love with another,

so he threatened

her father,

and took Jasmine off

to his kingdom

and locked her up

in his harem.

She told the other wives

that she would rather die

than marry

this heartless sheik.

She had a knife on her.

And when he came for her

that night,

she was going

to slit her own throat.

What did

Uncle Hub do?

They got married,

and lived happily ever after.

The end.

But wait,

if they lived

happily ever after,

then they got married, and she'd

be here right now with us, right?

Didn't they have kids?

Where are they?

Nurse?

What's going on?

I wish they'd tell us

something.

Get out of my face!

Where'd you put my damn pants?

Where's my pants?

- You can't do that!

- Gimme my pants!

Who put me in here?

Who put me in here? You two!

Hospitals...

lot of good they are.

How would you know? You're never

in one long enough to find out.

Hey, you missed

the turn.

- I did not.

- Home is that way.

I wanna go this way.

Doctor,

where is Mr. McCann?

Oh, I'm afraid

he's gone.

Well, he led

a long full life.

Where is the body?

No, he's gone... left.

Mr. McCann checked

himself out.

Left?!

Brother,

someday you're gonna have

to start acting your age.

What the hell

does that mean?

All your life, you've never been

frightened of anything.

So what's eating

at you now?

Getting old?

- Dying?

- Hell no.

- What then?

- Being useless.

When we were young

there was always a reason,

there was a point.

Things made sense.

Now there's

no point to anything.

So what do we do?

We garden.

We outlived our time,

brother.

- Go get some beers.

- All right.

Hey, old man,

how's that barbecue?

Give me some.

We're busy, boy.

Get lost, all right?

What did you say?

Here's a perfect example

of what I've been talking about.

Since this boy was suckling on

his momma's tit,

he's been given

everything but discipline.

And now his idea

of courage and manhood

is to get together with

a bunch of punk friends

and ride around

irritating folks...

too good natured

to put a stop to it.

Hey, who do you

think you are, huh?

Just a dumb kid, Hub.

- Don't kill him.

- Right.

I'm Hub McCann.

I fought in two World Wars

and countless smaller ones

on three continents.

I led thousands of men

into battle with everything

from horses and swords

to artillery and tanks.

I've seen the headwaters

of the Nile,

and tribes of natives no white man

had ever seen before.

I've won and lost

a dozen fortunes,

killed many men

and loved

only one woman

with a passion

a flea like you

could never begin

to understand.

That's who I am.

Now, go home, boy!

We'll show these

old bastards who's tough!

- Get out your knife.

- Yeah.

Now, boys,

you're fixing to let

those teenage hormones

get you into a world

of trouble.

Damn it, Garth.

Did I ask you to butt in?

Hub, you just

come out of the hospital.

Well, there's...

there's only four of 'em.

Yeah, but...

look, you fight this one first.

And then I'll let you fight

the other three after, okay?

Yeah.

Watch this, kid!

Now you!

You better pick that knife up,

'cause, son, you're gonna need

all the help you can get.

- Come on, Frankie!

- Get him.

Get him, Frankie, cut him!

Ahh!

Shoot, oldest trick

in the book.

Okay, okay.

You hold it wrong, son.

Not like this.

You always

do it like this... smooth.

- Try it again.

- Come on, Frankie.

Come on, Frankie,

get him!

- Cut him

- Come on. Okay.

- Get him, Frankie, cut him.

- Yeah, you got him!

Frankie, come on!

- Stop, stop, ahh!

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