Secondhand Lions Page #4

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- You're breaking his arm!

You three had better

get in there and help him.

Why aren't you

helping him?

Hub always hogs the bad guys.

He's selfish that way.

But there's

four of them!

Three of them.

Go on, Hub!

Hey, there's my boy!

Like this, kid?

Pretty good, huh?

- Couldn't you share?

- Nah.

After 40 years,

I'm used to it.

Ahhh!

Besides, right now, I figure

he needs them worse than I do.

Go on, Hub!

This'll hold him though.

This'll hold him.

Please! Please!

They're not back yet, Daddy.

I'm sure with Hub

just out of the hospital,

they're taking it slow

and easy on the way home.

Yeah.

Oh, I hate this house.

I hate it.

When those two finally

drop dead,

I want you to burn this place

to the ground, Daddy.

Hey, what's that?

Beats me.

- Let's tear it up!

- Yeah.

What is it?

It's stuffed!

- Mom!

- Mom!

- He's alive!

- What? What happened?

I told you about

those lies of yours. No!

Hey, don't step on my shoes!

What have you done

with Uncle Hub?

Kid, get some meat.

Where's Uncle Hub?

Oh, Lord, there's

been an accident.

I wanna go home now.

You're in no shape

to go home now.

It was a fight. Uncle Hub won.

It was great.

- Ahh!

- The lion really did try to eat us.

- Shush.

- Jasmine?

Oh Jasmine!

I haven't fed her all day.

I bet she's really hungry.

I got to go feed her.

Here, here!

Here you go,

Jasmine.

Jasmine?

- There really is a lion.

- Lion?! You got a lion?

- It's locked up.

- No it isn't. It tried to eat us.

- It really tried to eat us.

- Get the guns!

- Get out of the way.

- Get the guns.

Come here,

come here.

Jasmine?

Jasmine? Jasmine?

Jasmine?

Come on. Oh!

Eew, lion spit. No, stop.

Don't shoot,

you'll hit him.

Come on.

Whoa!

They're gone.

- We might be too late.

- Move in.

You stay. Stay.

Jasmine!

Stop, stop.

Attack him!

She's feeling

a lot better.

Get off of me!

We're leaving.

We are not coming back

until you get rid of that monster.

Well, the lion stays.

All right, that's it.

Come on, Daddy.

Daddy! Come on!

Bye, Uncle Hub.

Bye, Uncle Garth!

Shut up.

Get in the car.

I need a drink bad.

I'm having a bad day.

You boys hungry?

- Wanna stay for supper?

- What are we gonna eat?

Meat.

A lotta meat.

She won't come

out of the cornfield.

This cornfield's the closest thing

to a jungle she's ever seen.

She knows this is where

she belongs.

- I think she's happy.

- I think she is.

What about you?

You happy?

What's he saying to them?

He's giving them his

"What every boy needs to know

about being a man" speech.

A lot of men have heard

that speech over the years.

A lot of men.

- Will he give that speech to me?

- Oh, I guarantee it.

Assuming he's still around,

of course.

Hey, you didn't finish that story

about Uncle Hub and Jasmine.

You don't believe

all this Africa stuff?

It's a good story.

Well, after he

rescued Jasmine,

several years passed,

wonderful years.

Never were two people

so happy,

so in love.

It was perfect.

Except for one thing.

- The sheik.

- The sheik.

He hated Hub

for stealing Jasmine,

so he put a price

on Hub's head.

10,000 pieces of gold...

a fortune.

Assassins came

from miles around.

Come on!

He and Jasmine had

to be on guard

every minute

of every day.

Hub knew he and Jasmine

couldn't run forever,

that sooner or later

their luck would run out.

There was only

one thing to do.

So one day an assassin led Hub,

bound in chains,

into the sheik's

fortress

to claim his 10,000

pieces of gold.

What?!

They gave the assassin

bags and bags of gold

as the sheik

ordered Hub

down to the notorious

Dungeon of 1,387 Tortures.

What kind of greedy, no-good scum

would turn in Uncle Hub for money?

Well, I would.

Ah, it was a trick.

Yeah, it was a trick.

In the dungeon,

I drew my sword...

and single-handedly

slaughtered everyone in there

and freed Hub

without dropping

a single gold coin.

Wait a minute,

wait a minute.

You saved Uncle Hub,

all this time carrying

hundreds of pounds of gold?

You don't believe I killed

all those men and saved Hub?

Well, Hub might've helped

just a little.

- Uh-oh.

- We were greatly outnumbered.

We fought against

incredible odds.

And when it was over,

we split up.

Each one knew what the other

had to do.

High in his opulent

bedchamber,

the sheik slept.

He awoke with Hub's sword

across his throat.

The sheik was terrified,

but Hub

just lowered his blade.

"Defend yourself!"

Hub cried.

And he threw

the sheik a sword.

The sheik knew that he would

surely die now,

without even the right

to beg for mercy.

But Hub just said,

"Twice I have held

your life in my hands,

and twice I have

given it back to you.

The next time..."

...your life is mine.

And from that moment on,

the assassination attempts

stopped.

Some say it was

because the sheik

was afraid that Hub

would return and kill him.

Others said because Hub

had spared his life,

the sheik did the honorable thing

and let his enemy live.

Personally,

I think it's because

the sheik was so damn busy once they

discovered oil in his kingdom.

He became one of the five

richest men in the world.

What?! The bad guy

gets filthy rich?

What the heck kind

of story ends that way?

I just told it

the way it happened.

- Bye.

- So long.

So that's how you got

all your money?

- The gold from the sheik?

- Well...

Yeah.

Those young men'll

be okay now.

- Will you?

- Yeah.

I feel old and worn out.

- You've been busy.

- Yeah.

Terrorizing doctors

and nurses,

beating up teenagers,

chasing after lions...

you've had a full day.

Lucky those boys don't know

diddly-squat about fighting.

Won't be long till the kid here

can whup my ass.

Won't be long till I'll be

helpless in a fight.

Useless!

You'll feel better in a day

or two.

Yeah, well...

I'm going to bed.

Good night, kid.

So...

you finally gonna tell me

what happened to Jasmine?

- Nope.

- What?!

You wanna know

what happened to Jasmine

you're gonna have

to ask him.

Ask Uncle Hub?

Are you crazy?

Look what happened last time.

I'm tired of doing

all the dirty work around here.

If you wanna hear

the end of this story,

you're gonna

have to ask him.

- Hub?

- Yeah?

- An airplane?

- Yep, always wanted one.

You always said you'd never set foot

in an airplane.

You don't trust them

to fall right out of the sky.

They're dangerous, all right,

plenty dangerous.

You got a book of instructions

or something?

Yeah, right here.

You don't know

a damn thing about airplanes.

Well, I'm gonna learn,

I tell you.

Aha!

It says right here,

"To climb,

pull back on the stick;

to descend, push forward

on the stick."

I'll have this thing up

in the air in no time.

Whoo! Damn.

Maybe it's

just a new hobby.

Maybe he doesn't really

mean to...

you know,

do something crazy.

You think so?

You ask him yet?

About Jasmine?

You'd better

make it quick.

What the hell?

It's the middle

of the night.

What's the matter?

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