Secret Honor Page #2

Well, I ask you to help me

make that dream come true...

for millions to whom

it is an impossible dream today.

[Laughing]

[Clock Chimes Once]

Uh, Roberto?

Would you, uh, erase everything,

please, back to, uh...

"I see the face of a...

child."

Oh, yes, um, would you also

send Fernando's wife a, uh -

Sh*t!

Goddamn Kennedys!

They stole the 1960 election

in Chicago.

Then they told me to go in there

and blow it wide open.

And I would have!

I could have - Sh*t!

Um, yes, Roberto,

would you, um...

send Fernando's wife a, uh -

a basket of fruit also.

Would you make that

a big basket, please?

Poor woman. She, uh -

She had a, uh -

Because of the, uh - She -

Your Honor, the Watergate

was nothing more than a misdemeanor...

copping a plea,

a third-rate burglary.

It was nothing more

than a convenient hook...

upon which to hang

my client's political body.

Because before anybody in the world

ever heard the word "Watergate"...

the Nixon presidency was over.

Your Honor, my client had faced,

as you know...

the acid test of six major crises.

But I - See...

this is not like 1952...

when I could go to the public

with my side of the story.

Oh, yes!

[Chuckles]

You see, the whole country

was waiting.

Ike had just dropped me like a, uh -

That bastard son of a -

Well, when the cameras came on,

I was going to drop out of the race.

As a matter of fact,

I had promised, uh, uh, uh, Pat...

that I was going to, uh -

Pat, of course, is my, uh -

[Stammers] Out of the race -Wife.

Well, you know, it's true.

She did still believe in me in 1952.

When someone believes in you,

someone to whom you've made a promise to -

I couldn't! I -

Well, then when I lost

in California in '62...

I really was going to

drop out of the race.

As a matter of fact, I wrote it -

Well, I wrote it down.

And I, uh, I carried it around

in my, uh, uh, uh, uh -

The, uh, uh -The promise...

to, uh, uh, uh-to Pat.

"I promise not to run for public -"

Uh, uh - In my, uh, wallet -

[Stammers]

I couldn't! I -

Well, even then, of course, you know,

she-she did believe in me.

And they spit on her

down in South America.

My God, I'm so sorry for that.

But I couldn't -

I couldn't quit...

with my tail between my,

you know, legs like that!

My wife does not

wear a mink coat!

My wife wears

a good Republican cloth coat.

And my little dog, Checkers, he -

[Blows Raspberry, Laughing]

And I cried.

And the public cried with me.

And Ike -The old man

couldn't get rid of me! Yes!

I could always cry in public.

Dr. Birdsell,

my dramatic coach in school...

always said that I...

was the most melancholy Dane

that he had ever directed.

To be...

or not -

Yes.

That is the question, all right.

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind...

to suffer the slings and arrows

of outrageous fortune...

or to take arms against-

Look, I am not

your stinking caddy anymore.

Everyone used to say

that Adlai Stevenson was Hamlet.

No, no, that is not true. It was me

who was really Hamlet, and Ike was the king!

I never even got to see all the rooms

in the White House...

untilJohnson became president.

Sh*t! Ike - Ike introduced me

to a crowd one time...

as Nick Dixon, for Christ's sake!

See, what he would do - He would drag

his coattails, then he would pull them away...

and he would leave me standing there

high and dry.

I was running.

L-I was always running.

I was trying so hard to make the team

that I was always offsides. Well -

Just like my old man.

He sold the lemon grove.

Then they discovered oil on it.

Well, sh*t!

Not me.

Not to the manor born.

You see, I had to pretend not to see

all the snubs and the sniggers...

and the sneers.

I had to put up a front.

Welcome to Denmark!

[Chuckling]

My- My first debate

when I was in high school...

resolved, "Girls are no good,"

and I won!

[Continues Chuckling]

My second debate resolved,

"Cows are better than horses."

You see, I -

I always hated girls.

[Stammers]

Well, you know, in high school

I couldn't - I couldn't stay away from 'em.

You know how it is when you're -

You know what I did?

I founded the Orthogonian Society.

That's all boys, no girls.

Just square shooters.

And our motto was, uh...

"Beans, Brains, Brawn and Bowels."

And we -we -we had this, uh -

[Chuckles]

We -We all used to, uh -

[Clears Throat]

All hail the mighty boar

Our patron beast is he

Ecrasons I'infame

Our battle cry will be

Brothers together

We'll travel on and on

Worthy the name

Of Orthogonian

- [Chord]

- [Laughing]

Resolved -

Resolved to win, period...

because that is the American system.

You take either side -

It doesn't even matter which one -

and you go on the attack!

It's like, uh, football - No!

No, no, no, no. It's like poker.

The winners make jokes, but the loser says,

"Deal! Deal! Deal! Deal! Deal!"

[Sputtering, Laughing]

Roberto, would you erase

all that crap, please.

Back to, uh, uh,

the lesser of two, uh, uh, evils.

No, no, no, no. Back about -

Before the, uh, uh, break-in.

[Softly]

Thank you, Roberto.

Your Honor...

there were three charges...

of impeachment

brought against me.

None of them could be proved.

They all knew that.

Kennedy's hit man, John Doar-

And he had a hundred bloodhounds

working for him.

They told him -And we have ways

of knowing this, Your Honor-

They told him, "There is no case

against the president, period."

Your Honor, the impeachment process itself

was simply the grandest cover-up of all.

There can only be one -And you know this -

one impeachment charge...

and that is, treason, bribery

and other high crimes and misdemeanors.

Well, so they brought a load of-

Well, sh*t, we gave them a load

of chicken-sh*t charges against me...

and none of them stuck,

and none of their theories either.

You see, I happen to know what was

going on inside the committee.

Sh*t, the theories,

for Christ's sake!

[Laughs] Let's see, there was the, uh,

tip-of-the-iceberg theory. Hmm?

Oh, yes, then there was

the narrow-escape theory.

Oh, the robber baron baloney

and all that crap -

Oh! We must not forget

the higher-standard-of-conduct theory.

That's rich!

[Chuckles]

The Founding Fathers

caused the White House...

to be built in a swamp

in the first place, for Christ's sake...

and Congress

up on a goddamn hill!

The Founding Fathers were nothing more

than a bunch of snotty English shits...

who never trusted

any elected president to begin with!

So, why then, Your Honor,

did my client resign voluntarily...

when the fact is that Richard Nixon

not only need not have quit...

but in fact could have stayed on

beyond the -

Your Honor,

something happened to my client.

The year is 1945.

Okay, Roberto...

that is the end of the, uh, prologue.

The next section will be, um...

1945...

through 1952.

So would you please

make a separate, um, uh...

uh, you know, for each of the, uh -

You know.

Okay, Your Honor...

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes