Secret Honor Page #4

and those mobsters

and those lobsters - I mean, lobbyists -

I mean, all the well-fed-all the welfare

bums and tramps in this country...

that is your palace guard!

[Laughing]

Sh*t.

Ehh...

let 'em suck on that for a while.

[Chuckles]

[Sighs]

[Wheezes]

Sh*t!

I could have beaten Kennedy.

I could have won...

in 1960.

But, see...

goddamn C.I.A., they went

and they told Kennedy all about the -

the track-two operation

against Castro...

and then Jack, he out-red-baited me

by attacking Castro...

and that made me look soft.

I mean, they promised me

that the invasion would -

the "executive action"

against Castro...

would take place before the election.

I mean, God, how they screwed me!

I could have won. I could have won.

I could have beaten Kennedy.

Look, it was me

with the 54-12 Special Group...

who'd planned the whole damn thing

in the first place.

Yeah, I would have bombed 'em.

Oh, how I would have bombed 'em!

But, you see, Castro, he was very smart.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy, oh, boy.

When Eisenhower

refused to meet with Castro...

when he came to this country

before the election -

And then that son of a b*tch Castro...

he went up there and he had lunch

with the goddamn colored waiters...

at the Theresa Hotel in Harlem!

I would have got him!

We already had the poison, for Christ's sake!

We had tested it on some monkeys -

Sh*t! Where's my f***ing drink?

H-H-Hey, Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack.

I mean, sh*t, nobody coulda

beaten Kennedy, for Christ's sake.

He was a big, good-lookin' Irishman,

and he had that shock of hair.

Just like my brother Harold.

They had the same charisma, you know.

The women, they all jump up and down -

Sh*t! His wife was a goddamn clotheshorse.

Sh*t! Pat was 48 years old,

for Christ's sake! What was Jackie, thir-

What the f*** is this,

for Christ's sake?

And, uh -And - I went to the wedding.

Did you know that?

And Jack, he liked me.

Oh, no, he did. Jack liked me.

He congratulated me

when I beat Helen Gahagan Douglas.

His old man even contributed money

to my campaign.

Well, it's true, of course, you know,

that we were black Irish...

and they were -

[Blowing Raspberries]

Look, we both had our tragedies.

Brothers.

Four boys.

And the Catholic thing -

I never used that.

I didn't!

Sh*t. See, then the debates

came along.

And everybody said

that I was like Cicero. They said -

They said, "How well he speaks!"

And then when Demosthenes spoke,

everybody said, "How smart! Yes!"

[Chuckling]

Goddamn Jack, he was something else.

I'll tell you that.

Then -Then I got rattled...

when the press got ahold of that

Howard Hughes loan to my brother...

for that wacko scheme of his...

to sell Nixonburgers!

[Laughing]

And then Haldeman, he goes and calls

Martin Luther King a n*gger...

on the teleph -

[Chuckles]

But the worst was,

three days before the election...

when I slipped and called

for peace and surrender.

That was the dumbest thing

I ever did!

[Continues Laughing]

My poor goddamn dumb brothers.

Did you know that I had to put

all my brothers under surveillance...

because of that -

[Chuckles]

Then my brother Don's kid,

he goes and runs off and joins...

some dirty hippie commune.

Then they have to get some investigator

to wade through all that crap...

drag him back by the ears,

put him to work for-

[Laughing]

I - I - I mean,

my goddamn family alone...

could have ruined me!

Sh*t.

I still couldn't sleep.

Right up to the election.

Sh*t.

I couldn't neutralize the Hughes thing...

because the Committee of 100,

they were tapping her- Uh, Marilyn Monroe.

[Sputters] You know, the Kennedy boys,

you know, they were all big studs...

like their old man.

Like my brother, Harold.

And you know something else?

That is what killed him too. That's right!

No women allowed up at Bohemian Grove.

No, sir, not real women!

We were a different type

from that Kennedy crowd.

I was sure as hell a different type.

You know, in all those years, I never-

I didn't-l-l-l-I - Not one time, I didn't -

But I didn't quit! That's right!

Not even in '74!

I could have! I sh -

I could have burned the tapes

and stonewalled it. Mm-hmm.

Let the big guys fight it out up there

at Bohemian Grove. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

And let the country go fascist by 1980.

Oh, that's right, Your Honor.

I am talking shooting it out in the streets.

I mean civil war in this country

by 1977-

You understand

why I had to withdraw?

Why I had to lay my life on the line

to stop fascism and communism?

F***! The goddamn Yankees, Ford -

They get the f***in' presidency anyway!

And the goddamn cowboys, Bush -

They get the C.I.A.

And what the hell do I get

for following orders for 30 goddamn years?

Is this it? A f***in' pardon?

And disgrace? Sh*t!

Look, I tried to give them

their dirty little war in Chile.

[Chuckling]

Did you know...

that that Allende...

was a worse whoremonger...

than you-know-who?

[Chuckling]

You see...

they didn't have to kill him

like that.

Not like that, they didn't.

But, look, I could have hung tough.

I could have called on my political base

like de Gaulle.

I could have called out Main Street

against Wall Street, but I didn't.

I said, "I'll go!"

I did it for ev - For Christ's -

I did it for the little people,

for Maggie and Jiggs...

for my people...

for all the failed ranchers and farmers -

people just like my old man.

I did it for the goddamn cab drivers

and the f***in' grocery store clerks...

and the cockroach capitalists

and the traveling salesmen, I -

For the forgotten American.

For the silent majority.

In their name I said,

screw all the wise men...

all the tough guys

who've sold us out and stabbed us in the -

Look, I was not elected president

on some other planet.

I'm America!

I am a winner who lost every battle

up to and including the war.

I am not the American nightmare!

I am the American dream. Period!

And that is why the system works -

because I am the system.

Period!

So what I did was,

I talked and I stalled...

and then I finally unleashed Haig...

and that provoked

the Saturday Night Massacre.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

You see? This -

This is before I went crazy...

and they had to bring in the army...

to shoot me down on the floor

of the Oval Office because I was nuts.

Oh, yeah.

They would've done that, all right.

You see, there was a sinister force

loose in the White House, all right...

but it sure as hell was not me.

Look, in the end, I was just a -

I was just an unindicted coconspirator...

like everybody else...

in the United States of America.

[Muttering]

Yes, that's right, goddamn it!

[Dissonant Chord]

Yes... Mother.

You were right.

There never was...

a "new Nixon."

I am a square...

and I always have been.

But I believed in the system.

And that's all I did.

I got out to protect the system.

And look, I did not

invent the system, Mother.

I did. I got out

to protect the presidency.

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