Seeking A Friend For The End Of The World

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Okay, what we're getting now is, yes,

they're saying it was, in

fact, a fire that erupted

inside the external tank of the ship

exactly 98 seconds after it

entered the asteroid field.

No one is sure what caused the fire

which Ied to the massive explosion

killing all 12 crew members and scientists

aboard the space shuttle Deliverance,

taking with them our last and only hope.

Once again, if you're just tuning in,

the CSA space shuttle Deliverance

has been destroyed.

The final mission to save

mankind has failed.

The 70-mile-wide asteroid known

commonly as "Matilda"

is set to collide with Earth in

exactly three weeks' time,

and we'll be bringing you

up-to-the-minute coverage

of our countdown to the end of days,

along with all your classic

rock favorites.

This is Q1 07.2.

I think we missed the exit.

...they say the damage to

the tower has rendered

all cellular telephones useless.

No word yet on how long

before water and power

will be shut off altogether.

But we'll be bringing you all

the information you need

just as long as we have a Iive feed.

And be sure to stay tuned at 9:00

p.m. Eastern Standard Time

for the End of the World

Awareness Concert.

The human migration continues...

Sorry, dude! It's okay.

What are you doing?

Hey, up yours, pal!

I'm sorry, sir,

that's not covered under

your current policy.

I'm afraid the Armageddon

package is extra, yes.

Well, that protects you and your family

against any sort of apocalyptic disaster.

Asteroids, obviously, plague,

famine, Iocusts...

Drawbacks? Um...

The premiums are high...

I'm sorry... Can you just hold

on for one moment? Thank you.

So feel free to wear

your casual Friday clothing pretty

much any day of the week.

And since Ted in Human Resources

is no Ionger with us,

I thought I'd Iet you all know of a

few positions in upper management

that have been made available.

So, if anyone wants to be Chief

Financial Officer...

CFO? Anyone?

Life has no meaning.

Anyone?

I really think I'm coming

down with something.

On your right!

On your right, buddy.

On your right!

You could have told me that yesterday!

Linda?

Oh, hi, Elsa.

Hi, Mr. Dodge.

Okay, I finish. Okay.

Me estoy volviendo vieja, Mr.

Dodge. I getting older.

I didn't mean to rush you off or anything.

Do you have someplace to be?

I mean, if you want, you could...

I don't know, you could watch TV here,

or something, whatever you Iike.

Oh, my kids are waiting.

Oh, right. Of course. You have kids.

Listen, Elsa, you don't

have to come next week.

Or, you know, ever, if you

don't want to. It's okay.

You firing me?

No, no, no. No, I just...

Is this because I don't watch TV with you?

No. No. I, uh...

I just thought, considering...

There's just no need to...

Nothing. Forget it. It's fine.

You're out of Windose.

More Windose, got it.

See you next week, Mr. Dodge.

Okay.

I regret my entire Iife.

Okay. Okay.

Bye! Bye, now.

Well, it's no longer just

the postal service.

Commercial airlines have discontinued

altogether today.

After much delay, the final flight,

piloted by Delta Airlines,

Ieft Chicago Midway at 3:45 Central Time,

touching down in Seattle at 6:15 Pacific.

Private charters have been

given military clearance

to use intercontinental airspace

at their own risk.

And now the traffic report. Amy?

We're f***ed, Bob.

Thank you, Amy.

Oh, sh*t.

...they have yet to make a

statement regarding rumors

of a classified space launch for high-ranking

government officials,

religious figureheads, and

important contributors

to athletics and entertainment.

They have predicted the exact

location of impact,

but the government is refusing to release

this information to the public

to avoid creating an even

greater sense of panic.

Oh! You're early! Hi.

Aw. Warren told me about Linda.

Oh, yeah...

I am so surprised she didn't do it sooner.

She never really Iooked happy,

especially when she was with you.

That's new information.

Really? Mmm-hmm.

Why do you think she didn't

want to have kids?

Karen Amalfi is coming alone tonight.

Don't. Do not.

Do not what?

Please, Warren. Can we just have

a few sober moments tonight?

This is the Last Supper, Diane.

You think Jesus was sober

for his Iast supper?

You think he turned water into Iemonade?

Dodge, a Iittle help, please.

Uh-uh. No, no, no, no, no.

Dodge is my friend.

My friend. Look at this, my friend.

This is a Don Ramon cigar.

This is the hardest cigar in the world...

Can you chop those a Iittle

Iouder, please?

This is the hardest cigar

in the world to find.

And tonight, I'm going to share

one of my Iast 13 with you.

How's that sit?

Hi, Danny.

Hey, can I fix you a drink, son?

Quit ruining my Iife.

Good for you, sweetie. Express yourself.

Go f*** yourself!

I was thinking maybe we should set up

Dodge with Karen. Don't you think?

Oh, my God, will you stop it?

What?

He doesn't want to get set up with

one of your gross friends.

He needs to meet somebody!

No, he doesn't!

Leave him alone. He is alone, Iook at him.

I'm fine. No, honey, you're not fine.

You're gonna die alone. Doesn't

that bother you?

He's not gonna die alone. Yes, he is.

He's not gonna die alone. He's

gonna die with everybody else!

There's just no need to

cling to who's closest.

This isn't the f***ing Ark, Diane.

This is the Titanic!

And there is not a Iife raft in sight.

Welcome aboard.

Dodge, you remember Karen Amalfi.

Hello, good to see you.

Hi.

It's everything I never wore.

Ta-da! Mmm!

It's very nice, very shiny.

You're funny.

Hmm.

So...

Well...

We decided that we would use

this time to be with family.

First we're gonna go to West

Virginia, see my sister

and her husband and the two boys.

Even though we just saw them.

We just saw them.

And then Lacey wants to go to

her stepfather's in Aspen

so that she can tell him to f*** off.

And also ski!

And ski.

Great!

- Yeah.

Karen?

Oh.

Um... Hmm.

Okay, well, I think I'm finally

gonna take that pottery class.

And... Well, I'm gonna

eat whatever I want,

and totally not even care. Just...

Go, girl.

And maybe I'll, um,

be spending a Iittle time

with someone special.

Yeah.

Oh, me? Let's see...

What was the question?

Qu ser, ser!

We're gonna ski first, and

then she's gonna tell...

Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!

Fight through the burn, fight through

the burn! Fight through the burn!

Yes!

Winner's wine!

Hey, Dodge! Hey, Roache.

Dodger! I'm gonna miss you,

man. Gonna miss you...

Oh, boy. It's the f***ing

Wild West, you know?

Is it? Come on.

Single guys Iike us, I mean, we gotta

grab this thing, you know?

Because it is a different world now.

It's a different world.

Okay. We gotta... You know?

No, I don't. I don't...

I don't... You don't? Dude,

the sky is falling.

The sky is falling.

And it's raining p*ssy!

It's raining p*ssy

Dude, ever since Deliverance, man,

I've been with a different girl every day.

And they don't care about

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