Seeking A Friend For The End Of The World Page #2

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getting pregnant.

They don't care about diseases,

or are you gonna call them back,

or can you provide for them,

or do you have a small dick,

or are you related. AII right?

And it's Iike the apocalypse...

The apocalypse has Ieveled the field, man.

Oh, my God. Do you want to

double-stuff that cookie?

Do you want to double-stuff

that cookie with me?

Two chefs in the kitchen

We're double-stuffing the

cookie Dodge and Roache

You guys, Iook! Sarah and

Dave brought heroin.

It's time. Bucket Iist! Bucket Iist!

Wait, where's Lacey? Let Lacey do

it, she's a dental assistant.

I'll do it. Yeah, you do it, Lace.

Here we go.

Oh, don't grab, Roache.

Let's watch her, Iet's everyone

watch her do it.

Put some Radiohead on.

I want to do heroin to Radiohead.

Yeah! Yeah!

This is dynamite! Everybody, run!

I'm kidding! It's not.

It can't hurt you unless you

get about this close to it.

Are you hiding?

Yes.

You don't have to do heroin if

you don't want to, sweetie.

Look, I tried.

I just can't spend the Iast month of

my Iife getting to know someone.

It's ridiculous.

You don't Iike Karen?

I couldn't possibly give a sh*t.

I'm not gonna sit across from someone

and hear all their stories,

even if she was someone I

could be interested in,

because I just...

I'm not sure that the month

between my wife Ieaving me

and the end of the world sounds

Iike good timing. Do you?

What... Hey... What are you

doing? What are you doing?

What?

What? What?

You're Warren's.

No, I'm not.

Nobody's anybody's anything anymore.

Why did Linda get to disappear?

Why does everybody else get

to do what they want?

I don't know what I want.

You can't run from this, Dodge.

Hello?

You okay?

No.

How could I be so stupid?

I don't know. I don't know you very well.

I'm never gonna see my family again.

I missed the planes, all of them.

I mean, God, it's the end of the world

and I'm still 15 minutes Iate.

I can hear my father say it

now. I can hear him say,

"Flaky and irresponsible," and he's right.

How could I do this? I put my

energy in the wrong places,

I give my time to the wrong people.

I mean, when I think of all the...

AII the holidays I didn't

spend with my mum and dad

to be with some guy I used to know.

Would you Iike to come in?

I won't steal anything

if you don't rape me.

Agreed.

My name's Penny.

I'm Dodge.

How Iong have you Iived here?

Three years. You?

I just broke up with someone.

Oh, I'm sorry.

No, I mean...

You know, it was building to this.

He's just taking the night

to clear out his stuff.

I mean, it's always better to

sleep on the fire escape

than have pity sex, I always say.

Mmm.

What's that?

What? Oh, that is cough

syrup with codeine.

Splash of vodka. Can I have a sip?

Actually, I'm feeling a Iittle...

Mmm.

You want some weed?

Hmm?

Oh, no, thank you.

It's the only thing that sends me to sleep

and the only thing that wakes me up again.

I mean, seriously,

I've got a wicked case of hypersomnia.

I mean, I could sleep through

the apocalypse.

Who's the girl? Who?

Oh. That's Olivia.

Is she the one that got away?

Well, they all got away, but

she was the first, yeah.

Are you gonna go and get her back?

I'm sure she has enough on her plate.

And what is it about the end of the world

that brings them all out of the woodwork?

...there he's got it.

Yeah. He changed his mind, as he...

...doing a terrific job

of cutting him off.

Now coming from behind,

he's got him around the shoulders,

and down goes...

Oh.

I'm ready to go downstairs now.

Oh?

Wait here a tick.

Okay.

He's gone. Took my Pet Sounds with

him. I should've seen that coming.

Mmm.

So...

What are you doing with

the rest of your Iife?

Oh, um...

Little of this, Iittle of that.

Probably catching up on some "me" time.

Find God.

Maybe move around some chairs.

Well, maybe I'll run into

you at a support group

or an orgy or something.

Yeah, that sounds nice.

Uh...

What's that?

That's your mail.

Why do you have it?

Oh, you know how the mailman

would sometimes put the mail

in the wrong box? Uh-huh.

Well, over time, say Iike... Well,

three years, I mean, it...

God, it really adds up, doesn't it?

Isn't it funny? I mean, how we've Iived

so close and we've never said hi.

Oh, but I did meet your

roommate a few times.

My roommate? You mean Linda?

Linda. Linda, right. And her boyfriend,

what was his name?

Oh, God, they seemed so happy

together. What was his name?

I haven't seen them in a while.

Are they all right?

What was his name again?

I forget.

$8.50.

Come on.

Give it to me! I'll hit it!

F***, yeah! Hit it!

What started as a few individuals

acting out

has quickly escalated into a massive riot

sweeping through the streets of downtown.

If we could show the live footage, Dory?

Dory?

You see people using every

available weapon,

looting, smashing windows,

setting fires, and in some cases,

attacking one another.

With the Iack of police presence,

we are seeing people with

nothing left to lose.

They appear to be moving off Main Street

and heading towards Division Avenue,

where residences and businesses

are more at risk.

And perhaps it's only a matter of time

before the city is too

dangerous to inhabit.

Oh, my God.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Okay. Okay.

Oh, Sorry. Okay. Good, Sorry. Here we go.

Come on.

Penny?

Penny! Penny?

Penny! Who the f*** are you?

Oh, sh*t! I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm Dodge, I Iive upstairs.

I've never seen you before.

We've run into each other a few

times, but that's not...

I'm pretty good with faces.

Anyway... Obviously, there's

a riot going on.

Maybe you heard the screaming,

smelled the burning.

If you could just wake up Penny,

I think we should get out of the

building as soon as possible.

Jesus.

You're f***ing her, aren't you?

What? No... What? No, I'm...

No. I'm not.

Oh, I knew it!

I knew it.

F***! I knew it!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Sh*t!

Okay, all right.

Penny! Come on, here we go. Wake up.

There you go.

Hey! I decide when Penny wakes up!

This isn't what it Iooks Iike.

I broke my hand, baby.

I hope you're happy. It's my guitar hand.

Aren't they both your guitar hands?

Penny, there's a small riot brewing

and we need to go, right now!

She's not going anywhere with you...

Would you please just stop?

We all need to go! Come on! Here we

go! Here we go, guys! Come on!

My hand! My gift. Will you just

Iook at it? I broke it.

This is the guy?

I can't believe you want this

creep instead of me.

Hey! Hey! I'm not kidding! Let's do it!

Oh, he's old!

He's not even good-Iooking.

What, do you have a job?

Mister Job? Owen!

I told you there wasn't anybody

else. Oh, sh*t, my records.

So you broke up with me for nobody?

Do you not see how that's worse?

We don't have time for this.

Scott Walker, Wilco... John Cale!

Hey, that's my Cale.

We don't have time for any of this, guys!

Goodbye, friends!

Come on.

Give me that Cale.

Okay, here we go.

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