Semi-Pro Page #2

Father Pat, he stepped on the line.

He stepped on it.

- No, no, it was legal.

- No, no...

he stepped on the line,

You were lookin' at it. Come on.

Jackie, he made the shot.

Who the hell has $10,000?

Relax, the beer company'll pay him.

They're not really a sponsor,

it just sounded professional.

Look at this guy. He's so hopped up

on goofballs and grass...

he's got no idea what's going on.

Holy crap.

Tropical!

Hey, congratulations to Dukes!

He just won a giant check

that says $10,000.

Cool!

Look at the size of that thing!

Go have yourself a ball!

Second half, comin' up next!

Damn it!

- # Hi #

- # Hello #

# Get the funk outta my face #

# Get the funk

outta my face #

# Get the funk outta my face #

# Get the funk outta my face #

# You don't like my music

You don't have to use it #

# Funking is a thing

that all of us release #

# You don't have to get it #

# All you do is let it #

# Then you'll know

exactly how to groove #

#... More, more, more #

# Now he's back home doing 9 to 5 #

# Living his gray flannel life #

- Hey, Jackie.

- Hey, guys, everything good?

- Keep the drinks flowin'.

- You got it.

# More, more, more #

# Gitchi, gitchi, ya ya da da da #

You're a sexy town, Flint.

Look at you, I love it.

I swear, if this Plexiglass

wasn't dividing us right now...

I'd make sweet, tender,

slow, hot love...

to each one of you,

that's a guarantee.

# Baby, who wants to love me sexy? #

# Love me sexy #

# Baby, are you ready to lick... #

- #... me sexy? #

- I'm tellin' ya, man...

that's the word on the street

and the sh*t is messed up.

It's a dang shame.

I can't go back to working

at that car wash. No.

I know there's some team out there

that can use the services of...

"Downtown Funky Stuff" Malone,

you hear me?

I dig you, brother, but I heard

the problem ain't just here in Flint.

It's the whole league that's goin' under.

Hey, guys, what's shakin'?

What's shakin'?

Whole league goin' down...

- that's what's shaking.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on.

I don't know who you're talkin' to

but business is boomin'.

Jackie, come on, man, it's us.

You ain't got to jive us, man.

I'm not jivin' you.

I've never jived you my whole life.

Jackie, come on, you're jivin' us now

by sayin' you don't be jivin' us.

OK, well, this time I'm tellin' the truth.

Right.

Now if I give you the lowdown on

somethin', can you keep a secret?

- Yeah.

- Course.

Tomorrow mornin', I'm drivin'

to Indianapolis for a league meeting...

possibly talking...

- merger.

- A merger?

Flint Tropics in the NBA.

- The NBA?

- Us mergin'?

I'm Jackie Moon,

I take care of you guys, right?

I mean, you can just think of me

as Bambi's mother.

I make sure nothing

bad'll happen to you.

Drink up, this is a big night.

- Hey, drinks on me.

- Big night.

Bambi's mother got shot, right?

Yeah, first scene.

I remember that the credits

were still rollin' and everything.

Who the f*** is Bambi?

Merger. Merger.

Merger.

Jackie Moon. Jackie Moon.

America.

Let's go.

Let's do this.

Don't worry, Mom,

I won't let you down.

I'll keep this team alive.

And our TV stations are complaining

about all the fighting.

Let's try to keep the fights in the tunnel

or out in the parking lot.

We have one more

piece of business to go over.

I'm sure you've all heard the rumors,

and they are true...

the ABA will be merging

with the NBA...

at the end of this season.

Yes. Yes.

I did it.

I'm a real owner.

- Please, Jackie, let go.

- I did it.

All right, let's...

not get too excited.

Yes!

Give me ten, Norton!

Everyone can eat sh*t!

A big bag of sh*t!

I'm the greatest man in the world!

The NBA has agreed

to our financial demands...

- but there is something else...

- You were right, Mom.

Destiny.

I'm so happy

I can't even feel my arms!

OK, Jackie, listen to me. Jackie?

- Hey, Jackie?

- Yes?

Four teams will be absorbed

into the NBA next year.

The rest of the league

will terminate operations.

Exactly. You know it.

Wait.

Wait, what did you say?

The Nets, the Spurs,

the Pacers and the Nuggets...

are gonna play in the NBA next season.

- The rest of us are gonna dissolve.

- Dissolve?

What's "dissolve"?

Is that even a word?

Yes, it is a word...

and financially it means

you'll cease to exist.

Let's don't get emotional about it.

Just...

No!

No!

OK.

All right, you're being...

Well, Jackie. Jackie...

You... Don't bite yourself.

Come on.

Jackie, we agreed to a very large sum.

I don't want a large sum, OK?

I want my team.

Come on, you guys...

you're not gonna just sit there

and take the money, are you? Huh?

What do the Nets have

that I don't have?!

The Nets have a huge fan base.

They got a brand-new stadium.

Solid economic growth package

with great tax incentives.

Come on, Alan, that's bullshit!

The NBA's gonna

take four teams, Jackie.

This is a good deal.

Best four teams should go.

He's right.

The season isn't over yet.

Hey, you know what? Yeah,

everybody should have a chance.

That's the fairest way.

Aw, gee whiz...

that sounds like so much fun...

fair and all.

But come on, guys...

I mean, look at what

we're dealing with here.

This guy plays power forward

for his own team, so...

But he has a point.

Why not make the terms of

a merger performance-based.

- Exactly.

- Huh?

- What he just said.

- Yeah.

I move we vote

on the terms of the merger.

- I second.

- And what he... what that guy said.

But... What both those guys said.

God damn it, Bob! I'm about to reach

over there and tear you a new a**hole!

Don't be a jackass.

- It makes sense.

- F*** you, Bob! We talked this out!

I don't see a need

for that kinda language.

Now, if you wanna go outside

right now...

I'll take both of you f***ers out

right damn now!

We're not gonna fight,

we're gonna vote!

- Let's vote!

- Let's vote...

and then we'll fight!

Come on, guys...

you should be juiced right now.

This is a chance to become

a real NBA franchise.

Man, get outta town.

Ain't no way in Sam Hill

we gonna make it to fourth place.

- Nope.

- Yeah, Jackie...

we have a horseshit record right now.

Yeah, well, we just need to start

hittin' our threes, OK?

That's not the problem, Jackie.

The problem is...

we suck.

Scootsie, you did not deserve that.

- I know.

- I apologize.

Stop that sh*t, man.

We do not suck, OK?

I been doin' a lot of thinkin'.

Decided to add someone to our team

to add some real firepower, OK?

I think this guy

could give us a new spark.

Now, don't get mad.

- At point guard...

- At point guard?

...five-ten...

I traded away our

washing machine to get him.

He punches in bunches.

Ed Monix!

Toilet's clogged.

Hell, no.

You traded for Monix?

Yeah.

This guy's an old warrior, come on.

Yeah, he old.

He can shoot the basketball.

Most importantly,

he actually agreed to come here.

So?

It's a thrill to be in Flint.

Smells Tropical in here.

Now, look, I know

just about everyone...

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