Semi-Pro Page #3

in this locker room has been

punched in the face by this guy...

at some point in time.

And maybe even one of us has...

had his collarbone broken... twice.

Sorry, Twig.

Thanks, Ed.

Hey, how are your mom and sister?

It's been about 12 weeks

since I porked 'em.

Let's not talk about porking

of the moms and the sisters...

because we only have

one rule on this team.

What is that rule, Twiggy?

E-L-E.

That's right, E-L-E.

And what does "E-L-E" stand for?

"Everybody Love Everybody".

"Everybody Love Everybody".

Right there up on the wall.

Got that, Monix?

- Nope.

- Great.

'Cause this isn't just

a basketball team...

this is a lifestyle.

Welcome aboard, Monix.

Thank you.

Good to be here.

All right.

Oh, if you see a possum...

try to kill it, OK?

It's not a pet.

Welcome back to Tropics Weekly.

The ABA has announced...

that the top four teams will merge

with the NBA after this season.

Seizing the opportunity...

owner/player/coach Jackie Moon

has already made the first move...

acquiring Ed Monix

from the Kentucky Colonels.

Yeah!

I'm a pretty aggressive owner.

When I heard Kentucky needed

a washing machine, I looked at ours...

even though we need ours.

I said, "I gotta pull the trigger on this."

- Hey, honey!

- It seemed appropriate.

- Guess who got traded to Flint?

- Who?

Monix!

Why the hell would he

want to come to Flint?

I have no idea.

Who cares, right? I mean...

He's got an NBA ring

and he's playing for the Tropics.

Can you believe that?

No, I can't.

I'll get it.

It's like, if you watch a porn movie,

doesn't mean you got laid.

No, no. In fact,

it often means the opposite.

Monix was an All-American

at Michigan State...

then went on to...

- Hey.

- Hey.

You look great.

Why are you here?

Got traded. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, why are you here?

Can we talk?

- Monix!

- Hey.

- What's up?

- Yeah.

That ol' jump shot of yours

ain't broke yet, is it?

Not yet.

Man... hey!

Great backdoor cut...

for the lay-up against the Amigos

last Friday night, man.

Yeah. That's the way

basketball should be played!

- Yeah.

- Up there.

- Yeah...

- Too slow!

Hey, can you give us

a second, please?

- Yeah, no problem.

- Thanks, Kyle.

You're his favorite player.

I'd feel more comfortable

if he hated me.

Listen, I hope you didn't agree

to this trade because of me.

What if I did?

Then you'd be stuck

in Flint, Michigan for no reason.

You know what?

You said you wanted to leave basketball

at the top of your game.

When are you gonna quit?

I'm at the top of my game.

I'm very close to the top.

I just got traded for a f***in' washing

machine. What am I talkin' about?

Good night, Ed.

Thanks for the pep talk.

Ed Monix is a tenacious defender,

and he can hit the big shots.

- When he's not drunk.

- Which is never.

Look, there's nothing in the rulebook

that says you can't play drunk.

No, actually, there is.

Remember those 30 rebounds

against San Diego?

Yeah.

- I don't remember 'em.

- Oh, no.

- Amaretto stone sours.

- Yes.

- I will never believe that.

- All game long.

- No way.

- I mixed 'em!

- Doesn't leave the table.

- Yeah.

Look, guys, you ain't gotta worry.

'Cause tomorrow when I get this cast

taken off, I'll be back on the team...

and I will be rainin' down some threes!

Cornelius, you're a good friend,

but that arm hasn't properly healed...

and I've told you 100 times

you're never gonna play for the Tropics.

You're a terrible athlete.

Come on, man! I'm a excellent athlete.

Look, I broke this arm playin' for you.

No, you broke it

playing with me in the driveway.

You can't even make a lay-up.

I'm an injured player, man.

I should be on the bench.

No, you're not on the team.

Well, in my fantasy life,

I'm on the team.

Well, let's just keep it that way, right?

My God. What the f*** is that?

It's incredible.

It's called fondue.

- Fon what?

- Fondue.

Three different cheeses, melted.

That's what you're tasting.

Gorgonzola, muenster and cottage.

It's the latest thing

from Sweden, apparently.

Well, I'm not surprised by that.

The Swedes are so inventive, aren't they?

- They are.

- Yep.

They are my favorite producers

of pornography.

They make an excellent f*** picture.

Well, I think I'll excuse myself

from this conversation right now.

- To the men's room.

- Stop it!

To make your wiener sing.

Boner machine.

I am not a boner machine, now.

Swedish porn saved my life in 'Nam.

- OK.

- Great, here we go.

- C'mon! F*** you guys!

- Let me get my violin.

Swedish porn was the only thing...

that kept my mind off Charlie

when I was in the sh*t.

Is the sh*t in Ann Arbor? 'Cause

that's where you were during the war.

- He really believes it.

- You were never in 'Nam...

- Nope.

...you jive turkey.

You just call me a jive turkey?

No. No, he did not.

- He called you cocksucker.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- Right, Cornelius?

Yeah, yeah.

I just called you cocksucker.

I'm pretty sure that

you called me a jive turkey.

No, no. Now, Lou,

nobody called anyone a JT.

Jive turkey is a little over the line,

my man!

Look, we're all here.

We all heard what was said

and we're in agreement.

- Cornelius said cocksucker.

- Yes.

- Right?

- Yeah.

- He just said you suck cock.

- That's all he said about you.

Now, come on. Dig into that fondue,

you little cocksucker.

- We like playing games, don't we?

- We do, we're playing one right now!

I'm gonna show you guys

this game that I learned...

- when I was in f***ing 'Nam!

- No, no, no, no!

Lou. Lou.

Who's the jive turkey now?

Gun's not loaded!

- You son of a b*tch!

- It's not loaded!

It's not loaded!

You shoulda seen your goddamn face!

There's no bullets in there!

I never load it!

The gun was not loaded.

I'll see you f***ers in hell!

Jackie, Love Me Sexy

is the worst song I've ever heard.

Watch this! I did call you jive turkey.

He did!

I got one. Hey, Lou, I know

you slept with Mrs. Pepperfield!

We're saying nutty things

'cause they're not true.

- My! Yeah.

- Especially that. More than the rest.

- He's jonesing you.

- It never happened.

- Hey. Bond.

- She's not ugly.

- James Bond.

- There it is.

- How do you like your martini, sir?

- Stirred, in a half-carafe.

- He shoots himself.

- He shoots himself in the wiener.

- Everybody OK?

- I think so.

- Yeah.

- I'm fine.

We just literally dodged a bullet.

We sure did!

- We certainly...

- Except for Cornelius.

I did get shot!

- My God.

- Wow!

# Mr. Big Stuff #

# Who do you think you are? #

# Mr. Big Stuff #

# You're never gonna get my love #

# Now because you wear #

Vakidis, open the window, will ya?

Yes, right on.

Did you give Bobby Dee a hand job?

Yes, right on.

Hey, Monix...

what were the Celtics like?

Well, they were fast.

Fast? Man. Clarence should play

for the Celtics, then. That boy can fly.

Downtown,

that's all he ever talk about.

"I'm goin' to the NBA, I'm goin'

to the NBA." Every day he say that.

No, I don't.

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