Send Me No Flowers

"The desire to take medicine

is perhaps the greatest feature

which distinguishes man from animals."

Feeling low?

Tossing and turning all night?

Having trouble going beddy-bye?

Know what?|You've got a headache.

Try the new painkiller Nipsarin, the|pill 9 out of 10 doctors prescribe,

and get instant relief.

Painful sinuses got you down?

Nasal passages clogging up on you?

Don't give it another thought! Try,|new doctor-prescribed Nauseadrine,

with the new,|magic ingredient N.U. 202,

and smash your troubles away.

Tummy feel crummy? You bet it does!

And there you go,|taking those rotten tablets.

Nothing happens,|they just lay there.

Now watch wonder-working|Garbagine go to work.

See how much faster the new-formula,|better-than-ever

Garbagine tablets are|than that no-good brand.

George, breakfast!

Good morning, Arnold.

Mrs. Kimball?

Hi, Ernie. - Isn't it|a lovely morning? - Oh, it is cute.

Yoghurt, carrot juice, cottage cheese,

organic honey,|non-fat, and eggs, fertile.

The Fishers on Maple St. Got|a new car today. Only it's 2nd hand.

Don't breathe a word of this,|but you know the Bullards?

Now, remember,|don't spread this around.

George!

Hey Nash, it's Vito, the cleaner.

Hey Daddy-O, I got your cleaning.

Ruth!

Need a hand, Mrs. Kimball?

Judy?|- I heard you, you said "ooh."

Doesn't it concern you,|I have this pain in my chest?

I'm always concerned.

It's just that I've had such|a morning. You would not believe it.

I called Dr. Morrissey.|I'm going to have a complete check-up.

It's probably nothing serious.|- But you just had one 2 weeks ago!

In 2 weeks a body can turn on you.|Just like that.

While it's turning, eat breakfast.|- Not until Ralph looks me over.

At least have a piece of toast.|It won't show up in the X-ray.

It's roughage.|- I don't know why I bother to cook.

Well, maybe one piece of toast.

Have I got something to tell you!|Guess what.

The Bullards are getting a divorce.

The Bullards?|- The milkman told me. - Who are they?

They live on the next block.|I don't know them,

but I expected it.

You did? Although you don't know them?

I know all about them.|Marjorie told me at bridge.

That poor thing! There must be|really something wrong with him.

How do you know? Maybe|there's something wrong with her.

Oh, no. She's very nice.|I met her at the supermarket.

She may be nice at the supermarket,|but not nice at home.

You know... - No butter!|It's loaded with cholesterol.

2 years ago you'd never heard|of cholesterol. Now it's a big thing!

Laugh if you want, but men my age|are dropping like flies!

Do you read the obituary page?|It's enough to scare you to death.

Then why do you read it?|- Should I bury my head in the sand?

No. But why do you think you have|every disease you hear about?

What do you mean by that?

Come on! Remember|when they operated on Whitey Ford?

You thought|you had bone chips in your elbow.

There definitely was pain there.

Your hypochondria's showing.

I am not a hypochondriac.|Listen,

someday when I'm lying in hospital,|then you'll change your tune.

You better hurry,|you'll miss your train. Bye!

What's today?|- Friday.

Maybe I better cancel lunch|with Winston Burr, the way I feel...

Darling,|I think you could risk a cup of tea.

I don't suppose a cup of weak tea|would hurt me, whatever's wrong.

Your call to Mrs. Bullard, Mr. Burr.|- Thank you. - Bullard?

Is she the one getting a divorce?|- Yeah. How did you know?

We have the same milkman.|- Watch this,

the Winston Burr patented procedure|for potential divorcees:

Hello, Linda.

Winston. Winny Burr.

Linda, I heard the horrible news.|Well, I'm just heartbroken.

Yeah. I always considered|you and David my best friends.

If there's anything I can do,|you mustn't hesitate to call me.

Yeah. The next couple of weeks|are going to be very tough.

You'll be... lonely.

Yeah. Say, why don't we have|a quiet little drink together tonight?

Maybe I could think of something|to bring you and David back together.

Okay, I'll pick you up at 8 o'clock.|Tonight. How's that?

Alright, little darling.|And... cheer up.

You are a 100%,|non-shrinkable, no-money-back ratfink!

Yeah, but a bachelor ratfink.

I'll see you at the club tomorrow.|Good luck with your doctor.

Check, please!

Ooh boy, am I pooped!

I made 8 house calls this morning.

Why in blazes didn't I specialize,|so I could get some sleep?

Like those lucky allergists.

They keep hours just like a banker,|and make the same kind of money, too.

I know one of them, built a|$100,000 house on ragweed alone.

When the pollen count goes up,|just like the stock market...

Ralph, I have this pain...|- Thank goodness it's Friday.

I'm going fishing this weekend.|A friend of mine has a cabin cruiser.

Gastroenterologist. He'd look|at anything but gall bladders.

He is absolutely cleaning up.

You'll be on a boat the whole weekend?|- That's right.

Can't you be reached in an emergency?|- Emergency?

What emergency?

No, 90% of my patients have|absolutely nothing wrong with them.

And the 10% that have|something seriously wrong,

I send them to a specialist.

Now, what is the trouble?|- What?

Oh, well, I have this pain...|- Can you show me

where it is? - Right here. It hurts|like the Devil when I press it.

Then don't press it.|Now George,

tell me, is it a sharp pain,|is it a dull pain,

or does it grip, like a vice?|- Yes.

No. Pick one.

I'd say it was more of a sharp pain.

I guess we'd better take a listen.

Do you have any idea what it might be?|- Not yet.

It's probably nothing serious.|You know how Judy worries.

Take a deep breath.

Exhale.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Inhale.

Exhale.

You can button up now, George.|- What's the bad news?

What? - This pain in my chest,|is there a medical term for it?

Yes.

It's called indigestion.

I want you to take

these pills. One before each meal|and again before retiring.

What kind of pills are they?|- You wouldn't know if I told you.

Oh, Ralph...|That cardiogram you took...

Yeah, what about it?|- That's what I was going to ask.

What are you talking about?|- How did it turn out?

I don't know. The results aren't due|from Dr. Peterson for another week.

He's had it for 2 weeks.

Isn't he studying it for a long time?|- Dr. Peterson is a very busy man.

Biggest cardiologist in the city.|Got a regular goldmine there.

Well, in your opinion,|everything is Okay?

George, you are sound as a bell.

I wish all my patients|were as healthy as you are.

Speaking non-professionally, that is.|- And this pain in my chest?

I can just live a normal life?|- I would.

You can take|one of those pills now if you want.

Right now? Is it so urgent?|- It doesn't make any difference.

No, I'll take it now|if it's that important.

Is that my chart, Ralph?

Aren't you writing an awful lot|for just indigestion?

The more I write,|the more money I charge.

Oh, good.

Hello? Oh yes, he is, Doctor.

I appreciate how busy you've been.|That's why I didn't press you on it.

Whose cardiogram?

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