Serial Mom

That's a nice dress you're wearing

this morning, Misty.

- Thanks, Dad.

- Want the entertainment section?

Not yet, Dad. Thanks.

- Got any donuts?

- Of course not, Chip.

- You know they're bad for the teeth.

- Always the dentist.

Who wants fruit salad?

I do, please.

Misty, that's not gum

in your mouth, is it?

It's sugarless.

Misty, you know

how I hate gum.

- All that chomping and chewing.

- I'm sorry, Mom.

You think I can get 50 cents

for "Village People" on vinyl?

You might get a buck.

Carl can't believe how much

I make at swap meets.

- Who, may I ask, is Carl?

- Just a boy.

He's picking me up this morning.

Here we go again.

He's really cute!

Misty, cute is not enough.

You know that.

- She sure can pick 'em.

- He goes to college with me.

Leave her alone, Chip.

I think it's great

Misty's got a new beau.

Chip, honey?

Thanks, Mom.

Listen to this.

"Hillside Strangler gets

his college degree in prison. "

- That's nice, dear.

- Nice?

He should have been executed!

Yeah. The death penalty.

He killed people, Mom.

We all have our bad days.

You'd probably date him.

"He's cute!"

All right. That's enough.

Dad, have you ever seen

"Henry:
Portrait of a Serial Killer"?

- Oh, sure, Chip.

- I most certainly have not!

You've been working

in that video shop too long.

Mind your own business.

It better hadn't be interfering

with your school work.

I do great in school, Dad.

Well, your mother has PTA today.

We'll see what your teacher

has to say.

Mom, I hate Mr. Stubbins.

Don't say "hate," dear.

"Hate" is a very serious word.

There!

Scrambled eggs anybody?

Mrs. Sutphin?

I'm Detective Pike.

This is Detective Gracey.

Come in.

I'm Dr. Eugene Sutphin. What

seems to be the trouble, officers?

- Is there a killer loose?

- No, son, nothing that exciting.

This is our son Chip

and our daughter Misty.

Officer, I'm sorry, but we don't allow

gum in this house.

Sorry, ma'am.

We're investigating

obscene phone calls...

and mail threats to a certain

Mrs. Dottie Hinkle.

- I know Dottie.

- She lives right down the street.

- Could you take a look at this-

- And tell us who might be responsible?

I should warn you:

This note contains language.

Oh, my!

That is the limit!

Let me see!

No, son.

This is a matter for adults.

Officers, I have never even said

the "P" word out loud...

let alone written it down.

No woman would.

Officers...

life doesn't have to be ugly.

See. Look at the birds out there.

Listen to their call.

Chip, there's your ride.

I'm gonna be late for work.

Bye, honey.

Hi, Scotty.

- Thanks for your time, everybody.

- Bye, Detective Pike.

- Hi, Birdie.

- Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Sutphin.

That's Birdie. She's a horror nut,

just like my son.

Birdie, this is Detective Gracey

and Detective Pike.

- Hiya, boys.

- Bye-bye, honey!

Good morning, Scott.

Misty, look what I got:

a Pee-Wee Herman doll.

Can you sell it for me

at the flea market?

Wow! Still in the box!

I sure can!

Oh, God.

Here comes Carl.

You must be Mrs. Sutphin.

Carl Pageant.

Oh, yes. Misty's date.

More of a friend, really.

- Take it easy, man.

- Bye.

See what Birdie gave me

to sell at the flea market?

That guy's a weirdo.

Come on. Let's go.

I'll take it.

- Bye, Mom.

- Bye, honey.

Oh, detectives.

Here's something you should be

interested in:

a grown boy who doesn't wear

his seat belts.

Christ, that one's

Beaver Cleaver's mother.

Leave her alone.

Mrs. Sutphin's about as normal

and nice a lady as we're going to find.

Is this the Cocksucker residence?

Goddamn you,

stop calling here!

- Isn't this 4215 P*ssy Way?

- You b*tch!

Now let me check the zip code:

212-F***-YOU.

Beverly darling, you home?

The police are tracing this call

this very minute.

Well, Dottie Hinkle, then why

aren't they here, fuckface?

F*** you!

Beverly, you home?

I know you are.

- Didn't I just say "f*** you"?

- I beg your pardon.

Who is this?

Mrs. Wilson

from the telephone company.

I understand you're having problems

with an obscene phone caller.

Yes, I am. I'm sorry, Mrs. Wilson,

but this is driving me crazy.

I've had my number changed

twice already.

I'm a divorced woman.

Please help me.

What exactly does

this sick individual say to you?

I can't say the words out loud.

I don't use bad language.

I know it's difficult, but we need

to know the exact words.

I'll try.

"Cocksucker. "

That's what she calls me.

Listen to your filthy mouth,

you f***in' whore!

Goddamn you!

- Motherf***er!

- Cocksucker!

- Rosemary.

- Are you all right?

Yes, of course, I'm fine.

How nice. You remembered.

It's the least I could do.

I heard shouting.

It's that cable TV company.

You know how they are.

- Did you hear about poor Dottie Hinkle?

- Yes, I did.

It's terrifying. The police were

at my house this morning.

Now, who on earth would want

to harass poor Dottie Hinkle?

Mr. Stubbins, my son studies

every night.

He's trying as hard as he can!

Some teenagers just aren't

college material, Mrs. Taplotter.

It's nothing to cry over.

Now, there are other parents

waiting.

Thank you for taking the time

to come to PTA.

- Hi, Betty.

- Oh, hi, Beverly.

- I love your outfit.

- Thanks.

Liz Claiborne.

Well, Mrs. Sutphin,

where's that husband of yours?

Feeling a little down in the mouth?

Ralph, you're so funny.

Yes, right here.

I'm Paul Stubbins,

Chip's math teacher.

It's so nice to meet you.

Here's a little something I made.

Fruitcake. Thank you.

Have a seat.

Bon apptit.

Chip's off to a fine start this year.

He's focused, conscientious...

participates actively

in classroom discussions.

He's a good boy.

There is one big problem, though.

What is it?

His unhealthy obsession

with sick horror films.

Chip's assistant manager

at a video store.

That's no excuse

for a morbid imagination.

I caught him drawing this

in class last week.

- Is there a problem at home?

- Of course not!

Divorce? Alcoholic relative?

Tell me:
Did Chip torture animals

when he was young?

No, he did not!

We are a loving

and supportive family.

Well, you're doing

something wrong.

I'd recommend therapy

for your son.

Thank you for taking the time

to come to PTA.

Watch this.

Scotty, watch this.

It's a sheep's tongue.

This sh*t is sickening!

Come on, put on some p*ssy.

Look, d*ckhead.

Blood feast.

The "Citizen Kane"

of gore movies.

I don't know what it is about today,

but I feel great!

- Cookie?

- Excuse me, Mrs. Sutphin!

- Hi, Mom.

- Hi, Mrs. Sutphin.

Hi, guys.

- Look how fake that looks!

- Oh, you kids!

Here. Have a cookie

and run along home.

- But, Mom, the video's not over.

- Don't you "but Mom" me.

Mr. Stubbins seems to think

that these silly movies...

are interfering

with your schoolwork.

Oh, boy!

Mr. Stubbins sucks.

Man, that one made me puke!

It's supposed to make you puke.

You forgot something.

- Are we leaving?

- Yes, you are.

Bye, Birdie.

See ya, Scotty.

Now, Chip honey...

I know how hard it is

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