Serial Mom Page #2

being a teenager.

I understand. I'm your mother,

and I love you.

Could we watch that scene again?

You know, the one where

he rips her heart out? Please?

Ladies and gentlemen,

the perfect meat loaf.

Looks good, Mom.

Nothing like a home-cooked meal,

honey.

Misty, I made you your favorite

sesame broccoli.

Carl says if I lose ten pounds

he'll take me...

to the University of Maryland

Memorial Day Beach Blast!

Honey, I think that's great

if you wanna lose weight...

but I think you should do it

for yourself...

not for some boy

you hardly even know.

Carl's a jerk!

He certainly drives like a jerk.

Carl makes me happy and that

threatens this family, doesn't it?

Doesn't threaten me, honey.

I'm happy.

I'm happy too.

We just want you to be happy.

I'm so happy I could sh*t.

You know how I hate

the brown word.

That's Rosemary.

Something must be wrong.

Turn on the news.

A teacher at your school

has been murdered!

- Murdered?

- Who?

A Mr. Stuber or Stubins.

Mr. Stubbins.

That's my math teacher!

Which channel?

It's on all of them.

Police claim the driver

of the hit-and-run vehicle...

ran down the teacher

in cold blood.

- Did you hear?

- What happened?

This is so cool.

It's just like a horror movie.

It's on. I'll call you back.

Mr. Paul Stubbins was

38 years old.

Whoever did this

should get the death penalty.

So far only one eyewitness

has surfaced.

Young lady, what did you see?

- It was a blue car.

- That's Lu-Ann Hodges.

- She's a stoner!

- A what?

A pothead.

A blue station wagon.

That's like your car, Beverly!

I'm not that bad a driver!

It was sickenin', man!

It flattened Mr. Stubbins

just like a pancake.

- God, man, puke time, man!

- Look at her hair.

Turn it off, honey.

Can't believe

Mr. Stubbins is dead.

You said you hated him.

He was an a**hole,

but he didn't deserve to die.

I can't stop thinking

about that poor teacher.

Good night, honey.

Don't read too late.

We've got a big day

with the birds tomorrow.

I've identified

every little birdie...

we're gonna see tomorrow.

Night, honey.

Don't I get

a good-night kiss?

I thought with all the sadness

you wouldn't want to-

We have to concentrate

on life, Eugene.

It's all right with me.

You want to, honey?

- You think the kids are awake?

- We could be very quiet.

I love that you're my wife.

You're not so bad yourself,

cuckoo bird.

You bring me such peace.

Don't wake the kids!

Honey, you're hot tonight!

Be quiet!

Honey, I'm ready...

now!

There's Dee Dee.

She's my favorite starling.

She's here every morning

for breakfast.

Well, honey, starlings are originally

from Europe. you know.

No wonder Dee Dee's hungry.

It's a long journey

all the way here to Baltimore.

It's Ralph Sterner.

I've got a dental emergency here.

This goddamn tooth

is killing me.

Mr. Sterner,

if you'll just call my office...

I'm sure we can see you

on Monday.

Monday?

This is Betty Sterner.

He'll die by Monday!

The roots are infected.

He might have a heart attack.

All right. Ten o'clock.

I'm sorry, honey.

But the birds will still be there

next week.

It's okay.

I understand.

I'll go fix breakfast.

God!

Mom, what's the matter?

It's just time to get up,

that's all.

Don't want you to be late

for work.

You scared me.

Honey, what's wrong?

I'm stood up.

I'll kill that bastard!

I mean it. He should be dead,

that lousy creep.

He told me he'd be here.

I'll kill him.

Don't use words

unless you mean them, honey.

- It's him!

- No, it's the police.

Morning, officers.

Good morning, Mrs. Sutphin.

Hi, Detective Pike.

Morning.

I presume you know about the death

of Mr. Stubbins.

A fine man. A good teacher.

Contusions, fractures,

rupture of numerous vital organs.

What a mess.

No, honey, that's Scotty.

Scotty who doesn't wear

his seat belts.

Good morning, detectives.

"Nightmare On Calverton Court. "

"The Maryland Teacher Massacre. "

It's not funny, son.

Did you drive your car...

to the PTA meeting yesterday,

Mrs. Sutphin?

Yes, I did.

Detectives, what is this

all about?

I know this sounds weird,

Mr. Sutphin, but...

the Department of Motor Vehicles'

computer...

shows only one

blue station wagon...

registered to a parent

of any of Mr. Stubbins' pupils.

Surely you don't think

Beverly was involved in this!

She did it!

Aimed the car right at him

and mowed him down!

Shut up, Scotty.

As I understand it,

the only eyewitness...

was a drug user.

I got somebody

you can run over, Mother.

That's a terrible thing to say!

Detectives, it's time for you

to leave.

My wife knows nothing

about this terrible accident.

Murder, honey.

Now here's a babe!

Let's see that, young man.

"P" as in-

"People who don't mind

their own business. "

Darling, it's Rosemary Ackerman's.

You can tell

by the subscription label.

I don't like to read about movies.

They're so violent.

Besides, I always recycle

my magazines.

Wait for me, boys!

Here. All rinsed

and ready to recycle.

- Good mornin', Mrs. Sutphin.

- Good morning, Gus, Sloppy.

You boys work so hard

for the environment...

I brought you something.

A little drink

never hurt anybody.

Damn, that's good stuff!

Can you believe

that goddamn litter bugger?

I have told her and told her...

it takes 90 to 100 years...

for a tin can to decompose...

and she still won't recycle!

Cost the taxpayers

millions of dollars last year...

but she don't care nothin'

about the national budget.

I hate Mrs. Ackerman.

- I hate her too!

- I hate her guts.

You know, somebody

ought to kill her.

Give her a...

happy face...

and then recycle her.

For the sake of this planet...

somebody just might.

But your boyfriend was convicted...

of killing twelve people.

I don't judge him.

I don't get it.

How can you love a mass murderer?

Easy. He's handsome,

he's famous...

and we get conjugal visits.

Serial hags.

Women who love men

who mutilate.

- We'll be right back-

- Turn it off.

Violence is everywhere

these days.

It's just Beverly!

Come in.

She scared me!

Would you like a beer?

No, not me.

Just a little coffee?

Dottie, I'm so sorry.

- I heard about your troubles.

- It's not fair!

Are those p*ssy willows?

Dried ones.

Aren't they pretty?

What did you just say?

P*ssy willows, Dottie.

My goodness!

- What are you doing?

- I didn't do it!

My Franklin Mint Faberge egg!

Dottie didn't mean to be so clumsy.

You're sorry, aren't you?

I did not break your egg!

She did!

Dottie, you could at least apologize.

I collect Franklin Mint!

We'll go to the antique market

and find you another one.

Misty tells me there's a whole booth

filled with Franklin Mint stuff.

Dottie, you lock up, won't you?

I'll take care of poor Rosemary.

But I heard her voice.

It's her!

Mr. Sterner, you've lost

a tiny filling.

I have to drill deeply enough

to remove all the decay.

All right, go ahead.

But be careful.

It really hurts.

Open. Wider.

Very wide.

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