Set It Up

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1

[phones ringing]

[woman 1] Jessica, the phones!

[man 1] Jonathan, cancel my 10:00.

[man 2] Conor, get in here. Conor?

- [woman 2] Bring me my lunch!

- [man 3] What's my password?

[chattering]

[woman 2] Rachel, where were you?

Were you in the back?

[Martha Reeves & The Vandellas'

"Nowhere to Run" playing]

Nowhere to run to, baby

Nowhere to hide

[man] Hey! What's-your-face.

Coming.

Nowhere to run to, baby

Nowhere to hide

No, no, no. I said no onions.

I said onions were fatal.

As in if there are onions,

I will be killed.

I know it says, "Do not duplicate,"

but my boss says, "Do duplicate."

And right now, her rules supersede

the state of New York's.

Janet, I've got a master's in sociology

and nothing else to do today.

Put me on hold as long as you want.

I'm not hanging up

until his seat is bumped to first class.

- [cell phone ringing]

- I'm coming.

I'm coming.

I'm coming.

[man] Hi, Tammy.

He wanted me to let you know

that he's breaking up with you

and he needs you

out of the apartment by 6:00.

[Tammy] You think you can break up

with me? I wanna talk to Richard.

- Get that a**hole on the phone.

- [sighs]

Get this to my doctor.

That needs to be warm.

And ask if it's contagious.

Each night as I sleep

Into my heart you creep

I wake up feelin' sorry I met you

Hoping soon that I'll forget you

When I look in the mirror

To comb my hair

I see your face just a smiling there

Be free. Heh. Save yourself.

- Are you trying to starve me?

- No.

My bones are eating themselves.

Order me that thing

that I like from that place

with the gay waiter.

We're doing a second dinner?

And make sure that this is at 10,000 steps

before Yuvus gets here tomorrow.

I do not want him to think I was not

working out between sessions.

Got it.

[chuckles] Hi, yes. Oh, my God.

I've been on hold for so long.

Yes, the truffle mac and cheese,

the kale salad...

[panting]

and a hamburger.

Forty-five minutes? Is there any way

it could be five minutes instead?

No?

That's fine.

I'll be here for the next 45 minutes.

I'll be here forever.

[man] Taxi!

[sighs]

Just waiting for my boss.

Rick Otis. He'd been on Shark Tank.

Forbes 40 Under 40.

- Doorway area is for members only.

- Yeah.

Just gotta call my girlfriend.

Her name's Suze. She's very pretty.

Suze. Rick's working late

at the District Club. Can I just meet...?

I'm out.

- How'd it go? You, uh, gonna invest?

- Ha.

I'll invest in that company

when they figure out

how to dip their d*cks in ink and write

the Japanese symbol for "horse sh*t."

Do the thing.

Think of seared cod.

Melt-in-your-mouth uni. Buttered carrots,

mashed potatoes, crispy onion rings.

Ah.

- Okay.

- I will see you tomorrow.

No. You're coming

with me back to the office.

Oh.

- Should I order dinner?

- Of course not. I just had my juice.

- Sometimes you end up wanting dinner.

- Shut my damn door.

[Harper] Here you go, Kirsten.

So...

tomorrow, we're gonna post

the Alex Morgan profile in the morning

and the Belichick interview

in the afternoon.

Hold the Belichick interview.

Josh is writing like he's at The Post.

The Line Up is about the story

behind the score.

I need fresh eyes for a rewrite.

- Did you return my blue jacket?

- Yes.

After a 2-hour commute to their warehouse

and an intense talk with a saleswoman

that ended with us in tears,

I got a full refund.

- I want it back. What else?

- Absolutely.

You owe RSVPs to Polly's wedding,

Annie's baby shower,

Bridget's baby shower, Alice's son's

birthday. You RSVP'd Jane's wedding,

but they need your okay to share a room

with Helen since you're both coming alone.

Do they need me to confirm

that I'm gonna spend

a thousand dollars a night

to share bunk beds like kids

at sleep-away camp?

No.

This site is less than a year old.

I can't be expected to attend every friend

of a friend's kid's 3rd birthday.

Decline every invitation

and send a $200 gift.

$200 gift.

There should be three times

as many story ideas by now.

I might have a story idea.

It's not fleshed out.

I haven't cracked it, so...

Oh, good. So, you're telling me

it's bad before I've even heard it.

It's this thing... called the Gerilympics.

It's an Olympics for senior citizens.

They have races, ping-pong,

Nerf basketball, and weightlifting.

Yes, people think it's silly.

People think it's silly, but...

But it gives them something to live for.

And a lot of them

were athletes who never even got

a chance to, like...

To live their dreams.

It's just sometimes I get emotional

over sports, just how they can provide...

[cell phone buzzing]

Your dinner.

Which I'm gonna go get right now.

What's my tomorrow like?

Um... I moved your lunch to Ai Fiori's.

Kiki wants to go over divorce papers.

Okay, you can tell Kiki

she can light herself on fire.

- And if she calls or...?

- You tell her she don't divorce me.

I divorce her.

Call my lawyer and tell him

to counter-serve her for serving me.

- I don't know if legally...

- What is this? I hate it.

This is your son's science project.

It's a fun play on

"when life gives you lemons..."

I'm using lemon battery to power...

Where's my dinner?

Did you want dinner?

Because you s...

No problem.

Coming right up.

I order from you guys

like three times a week.

You know that I'm good for it.

I have three credit cards.

- Can I write a check?

- Cash only.

What if I pay you triple... tomorrow?

Cash only.

What if I told you this face was a mask

and I'm a 100-year-old gypsy

who will curse your family

for generations?

Cash only.

What grocery store doesn't serve

saffron-infused Kobe beef

cooked medium-rare?

[Harper] I can't go up there and ask for

cash, so my options are for you to help me

or for me to commit a felony.

Hi. Whose food is this?

- It's mine.

- You got 31.32, it's yours.

I have cash. I have so much cash.

No. Hey, hey. That's my boss's dinner.

If I'm not upstairs in two minutes

with that food, I will get fired.

- Can I borrow some money?

- No.

This is my boss's dinner.

If I'm not up in two minutes,

- I'm gonna be fired.

- No, you won't. Look at you.

You'll just swoop in with your lacrosse

stick and your fraternity connections.

You'll keep getting promoted

for no reason. I need that food.

Thirty-two dollars. Keep the change.

Thank you.

Is this happening?

I will not forget this.

- Whatever.

- Wait. Sir?

Sir. There are two dinners. One for me

and one for her, so we could split it.

I can take one to my boss and you can take

one to yours. Please. This is DEFCON 5.

DEFCON 5's the good one. Everything's

safe, international travel's fine.

DEFCON 1! You know what I mean.

What are the meals?

Okay. I'm gonna take her

the truffle mac and cheese.

You can have the burger.

Are you insane? I won't give him

a plain hamburger. He has taste.

Okay. I'm gonna fix this, okay?

See what I'm making?

It's a truffle cheeseburger with kale.

This burger could win awards.

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