Set It Up Page #2

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Pickle is my dinner.

- No, no, no.

- What?

I won't give him a truffle cheeseburger

without a pickle.

I wanna be paid back tomorrow,

8 percent interest, liquidity preference.

Do I look like I can afford interest?

I steal my toilet paper

from the office bathroom.

You should learn to keep cash on you.

You should remember to order dinner

before everything closes.

You know that pickle?

That aforementioned pickle?

That wasn't for my boss.

That was for me.

You're a monster.

- Oh, hi.

- I'll need you in here before me tomorrow.

Okay, what time would that be?

Do you want your food? Okay.

[intercom buzzing]

- [Suze] Hello?

- I'm here, I'm here.

You took too long. I'm in bed.

Okay. Perfect. I'll get in with you.

I'm already asleep, baby.

I can wake you up. With my penis.

Not with my penis. You'll be fully awake

when it touches... You know what I mean.

I have an early shoot tomorrow

and if I don't get eight hours,

my face could be puffy.

- Can I call you in the morning?

- Yeah. Sweet dreams... princess.

[man] You can wake me up.

With your penis.

[announcer on TV] ...should be

the final play unless there's a penalty.

Kellogg's throw...

It's gonna be tapped and caught!

It's caught!

It's caught!

- [door opens]

- [laughing]

You're up! Oh, my gosh, hi.

How was your date?

It was good. He's in my room now

drinking Gatorade

to recover from our vigorous love-making.

- Nice.

- Really?

No. I worked late. Didn't make it in time.

Oh...

Dude, loved Kirsten's article

about Cleveland fans.

- I sent it to ten people.

- He did.

Wasn't it awesome? How was the party?

Gilbert was there.

You haven't seen him since...

[Becca laughing]

Since she had sex with him

in the bathroom on the Acela?

- You told him about that?

- I could read it from your hand code.

I tell him everything, Harp.

If we had to avoid every guy

she's had sex with

on public transportation,

we'd never leave the apartment.

- [chuckles] Shut up.

- Do you want a glass of cold water?

- Yes. I would love that.

- Okay.

- I love you.

- I love you so much.

- Love you, Mike.

- I love you, Harper.

He's such a dork. Oh, God. I love him.

- I love you. I'm gonna go to bed.

- Sweet dreams.

Good night.

[Becca screams]

- Janet?

- [Becca] What?

No way!

- No way!

- [Mike chuckles]

I said no. I...

I'm kidding! I said yes! [shouts]

Oh, my God. We're not old enough

to get married, though.

What? What?

I love you.

Congratulations. Congratulations

and I'm so happy for you.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

- I love you, Mike! My favorite people.

- I love you, Harper!

- I was talking to my mom...

- I'm gonna let you do that.

I just wanna spend my life with you.

- Are you kidding me?

- Oh, my God.

[Mike] I'm so excited.

- [Duncan] Hey, buddy.

- [yelps]

What...? How long have you been there?

You're sitting alone in the dark?

Do you have a guy over?

Why do you always assume

I have a guy over?

Not all gay guys are having sex

all the time.

- Don't you have to teach soon?

- Can't sleep.

I'm setting up this art show for a kid

living at a homeless shelter with his mom.

I think he's good enough to get into

one of those magnet schools.

Today I got a waiter fired for dripping

condensation on Rick's pant leg, so...

I also feel good.

When you get promoted, you can be one of

those rich guys that donates supplies.

So you don't feel so bad.

We love that guy.

We make him a card every year.

- I'll call you later.

- You better.

[door opens then closes]

Technically, this time,

I did have a guy over.

[Dan] Martin's leaving.

He's gonna be a VP at Sequoia Capital.

Serious? He's jumping associate

and right to VP?

It's Rick. He knows everybody there.

If you got his stamp of approval,

- it's the golden ticket.

- Martin's barely 30.

We weren't talking to you, dipshit.

Go get Rick a smoothie.

[both laughing]

I don't get Rick smoothies.

He's on a juice cleanse.

[chattering]

Paying student athletes

is such a hot-button issue.

You couldn't back off? You're implying

we're getting rich off poor kids.

We're not. We're proving it. Your AD

bought a $2-million boat last year.

Your star player is on food stamps.

Kirsten, we are all

a big happy family here.

We've always liked you.

We like what you're doing here,

but don't make a name for yourself

by burning bridges. [chuckles]

I sent you that article as a courtesy.

I'm not changing a word.

I will send you the link when it is live.

- That was incredible. You just feel like...

- Ah-ah.

Where's my lunch?

- I'm gonna get it.

- Tell me something I don't know!

Here are those ETFs.

[cell phone beeps]

[sighs]

- Intern?

- My name's Bo.

- I don't give a sh*t.

- It has fewer syllables.

Cover Rick's phone. I'm gonna get lunch.

All right?

Don't pee, don't zone out, don't sneeze.

Just cover his phones, try not to exist.

Do not ever, ever connect to his ex-wife.

- Do I tell him if she calls?

- Yeah.

And slather my dick in ink and use it

to write the hieroglyphic for "no."

- I don't know hieroglyphics.

- Sorry. That was over the line.

But no, don't tell him. Go.

Do not put on any more clothes.

I'm coming over.

[Rick shouts, then crashing]

Oh, sh*t.

[Rick] Someone's ass is fired!

- What happened?

- He's upset about this.

- [Rick] Goddamn you, Kiki!

- This is his ex-wife.

Kiki Otis is...? Oh, that makes sense.

"Spiritual commitment ceremony"?

You showed him this?

You didn't say anything about his mail.

- You have no idea what...

- It's non-legal.

Rick?

What is this?! Bulletproof glass?!

Where's pencil-dick?

- I feel like I'm pencil-dick.

- You're fired.

Charlie, take his work. I don't

wanna see pencil-dick's face again.

Pencils can be all lengths and girths,

so, the joke's on him.

Obviously, you're talented.

You don't have to keep convincing us.

Start by taking out the adjectives.

- Thank you so much.

- Anything for a Dartmouth grad.

It's late. Get out of here.

You are so lucky to work for her.

- I know.

- I reached out to her

through the alumni magazine

and she responded right away.

Now she's gonna be my mentor.

She's amazing.

[chuckles]

Harper, I'm gonna take a nap.

So, just wake me up at midnight.

Oh, but don't startle me. Play a lullaby

then slowly increase the volume.

Okay.

- Hello.

- Holy sh*t.

Here's your stupid interest. There you go.

What are you still doing here?

Are you like a janitor?

Do I look like a janitor?

No.

I work for Kirsten Stevens.

- Who?

- The sports reporter from ESPN.

Okay.

She got Roger Goodell to admit he'd

seen the video? Don't know her?

She broke the Penguins

concussion protocol story

- that literally changed the NHL.

- But what are you doing here?

I can't leave until she leaves.

And she never leaves,

so, I'm always the last one here.

- I'm the last one here.

- No, you're not.

- Even when Rick's not here, I'm here.

- Kirsten keeps a cot in her office.

Rick keeps a Tempur-Pedic cot

in his office. The Tesla of cots.

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