Set It Up Page #3

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Kirsten's like if Miss Piggy and Voldemort

had a baby

and that baby had low blood sugar

and hadn't had sex in a year.

Don't talk about babies having sex.

What's wrong with you?

Do you want some?

Rick throws away any liquor

that costs less than $200.

We're at work.

It's almost midnight. Grow up.

It's been so long,

I have the tolerance of a fetus.

[laughing]

[man] It was a tough loss, but we're

putting it behind us. Looking forward.

The third glass is still bad.

If you could watch the ball

as well as you're watching my tits,

you could have made the playoffs.

I wanna have an article

on her site someday.

My God. Will you look at this?

Suze gets invited to cool sh*t.

I miss all of it.

I miss everything. It's been so long

since I've been to a party.

Or made out with a guy. I don't even

remember how. Like my tongue atrophied.

When my mom was my age, she had me.

I've never had a boyfriend.

But you're a grown-up.

Take that back.

- Not even like a camp boyfriend?

- I'm gonna end up like Kirsten.

[Harper chuckles]

Like buying thousand-dollar throw blankets

and... sleeping with my computer.

That's why she's so mean. She's sleeping

with a laptop. She needs to get laid.

- She needs to be made love to.

- Well, Rick needs to get laid.

The two of them are always in this office.

Let's lock them together

so they can have sex with each other.

[both laughing]

Think about it.

We Cyrano them out of the office.

And then when they're boning, we're free.

Well, I don't need to be free,

I need to be promoted.

All I care about is that I'm not

still an assistant when I'm 28 years old.

That's when it gets really sad.

- I'm 28.

- I'm so sorry. [chuckles]

- For you. That's sad for you.

- You should leave.

Bye.

- I made something.

- What...?

You're so quiet.

You move like a Prius.

- What is that?

- It's a spreadsheet

of everything I know about Kirsten.

- What she likes, doesn't like.

- I have no idea what this is for.

To set them up.

For our Cyrano.

- That was a joke.

- But it doesn't have to be.

- What's Rick's favorite food?

- The filet from Ai Fiori's.

- Where will he be at 3?

- His son's school play.

- Hey, what does he hate?

- "Geoff" spelled with G and sour cream.

We know everything about them.

What they like.

We control their entire schedule.

We are the men behind the curtain.

We can get them to do anything.

- This is very thorough.

- Thank you.

- Absolutely not.

- What?

- I thought...

- This is insane.

I barely have time to do my job.

- If Rick found out, he'd fire me.

- He'd never find out.

- This could save us.

- I gotta take my girlfriend to lunch.

- Should I send this to you?

- Please don't.

["Yankee Doodle" playing on speakers]

Oh, Suze.

Suze.

Mm. Mm.

- I thought we were getting lunch.

- Excuse me. Are those seats taken?

Yeah, sorry. They're taken.

Yeah, I know we were.

Rick needed me to save the seats.

His son's the second lead.

I thought we could do a theater picnic.

Hey, you look amazing.

How'd the, uh, thing go this morning?

Good. I booked that Old Navy campaign.

That is incredible.

Look, I'm gonna be traveling so much

and you're already so busy.

No. I'm not busy.

I don't wanna be with a guy

saving somebody else's seats.

I want the guy whose seats

are being saved, you know?

- I think we should...

- No! [clearing throat]

I know this is annoying...

Ma'am, I would lay my life down for these.

If you can't say the same, move on.

We can make this work.

I'm about to get promoted.

My schedule will be easier.

Then our seats are gonna be saved.

I promise.

- Hey.

- Excuse me.

- [boy] Hey, Dad.

- Hey.

I like the beard.

- You got these seats?

- Yeah.

You're gonna have to get me a masseuse.

We're three centimeters from the stage.

What is wrong with you?

I'll mess up my neck.

Oh.

Lot of hot moms here.

Holler.

I'm in.

When they're boning, we're free, right?

Where could they meet?

- Rick's usually at the District Club.

- Okay.

- Could she run into him there?

- Sure. She can run into him.

After she's nominated by two members,

one former member, approved by the board.

Also has a sex change.

Technically, women are allowed.

- I get it.

- Rick cares about winning.

We just gotta make your boss

seem like a business deal

or a softball game.

All Kirsten cares about

is her site, her brand.

- It's like her baby.

- She shouldn't have a real baby.

How dare you.

But I do think that's a huge part of it.

We need a meet cute.

Like, every great romance has a meet cute.

Like, getting stuck in an elevator

or something, but...

- Let's get them stuck in an elevator.

- How would we do that?

You don't know Creepy Tim?

A succulent.

Can you grow plants down here?

Oh, no. They just slowly die.

Oh.

So, buddy, we wanted

to shut down the elevator

so two people could fall in love.

Charlie...

the only thing I love more than love

is love in enclosed spaces.

And succulents.

And you already gave me

one of those, so, my answer is yes.

Falcon One's headed to the Nest.

We are a go for Pandora's Box.

You're not in the Secret Service.

Say "elevator."

- We're a go for Pandora's Box.

- Copy that.

[Harper] There she is.

Okay, can you stop at her floor?

Say something.

What?

Does no one look each other

in the eyes anymore?

Oh.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who's this guy?

- You need to go, sir.

- Make your way out.

- Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

- [both] Call it off.

- It's go time.

- What the hell?

- What did you think?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, no.

Can you start it back up?

[computer beeps then elevator starts]

[chuckles]

Thank you, God. I'm extremely

claustrophobic. That would've been bad.

But you work on a truck.

Let it go, Rick.

Your job is to ride elevators.

How are you claustrophobic?

I usually take the stairs.

But today was a big day.

Okay, let's not make it any worse.

[alarm buzzes]

- Why did you do that?

- That wasn't me.

This might be

an actual system malfunction.

Oh, my God.

This has never happened before.

Oh, irony, you fickle queen.

Yup. This is how it always starts

in my nightmare.

Here we go. All right.

We just all need to calm down.

[Joe sighs]

- Uh, what are you doing?

- What is he doing?

Is it getting hot in here?

Stop doing that, please. Stop now.

- I need to be free of this.

- Stop that.

Okay.

The pants are off.

I'm calling the firefighters.

Don't. I'm calling the real police.

Okay, this button is designed

for this emergency.

You want the emergency response team,

not the jackoffs

assigned to the Elevator Squad.

No. Maybe we can make a rope.

You're not gonna get service.

It's already ringing.

- Excuse me.

- If we press it at the same time,

- it'll confuse the system.

- [Kirsten] It was ringing.

I gotta pee. I'm gonna pee.

If you pee, I will end your life.

Stress incontinence. That is a real

condition and you are not helping.

I'm gonna listen to my body.

Oh.

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