Seven Dwarfs Page #2

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It was working fine yesterday.

Oh boy!

I can't watch this.

Give me the damn thing.

That wasn't by any chance?

Freshly harvested this morning.

I look like a pig.

True. And you're covered in muck.

First I muck everything up,

and then I have to clean it, too.

It's just not fair.

Speedy! The soap!

One day they'll thank me.

Thank you!

I knew it!

Screw this.

Stop! Hold it right there.

Don't come any closer.

- Whoa.

I am one of the infamous dwarves.

A dwarf?

I thought dwarves were smaller.

Yes. Of course.

That's it.

Smaller.

I knew I was doing something wrong.

- Moron.

Stop! Cut it out!

We're supposed to be chasing tail.

Who are you?

- Who are you?

I asked first.

Who are you? I'm a dwarf.

Another one. At least

you're smaller than the last one.

Have you seen a girl run by here?

Skin as white as the fallen snow?

- Yes.

And lips as red as blood?

- Yes.

And hair as black as ebony?

- Yes.

Nope, sure haven't.

I see.

Well then. Keep your eyes peeled.

Snow White. What kind of name is that?

We'll catch her.

Brutus can catch anything.

The other day he caught rabies.

Rabies, right on. What else can he do?

- He can fetch.

How fetching.

- I'll say.

Show the dwarf...

how well you fetch.

Watch this.

He's fetching.

Well fetched, Brutus.

That's a twelve-pointer.

That's going in my collection.

You should see it.

I've done a lot of shooting.

And I always hit something.

Wonderful trophies.

Well done. You deserve a reward.

When I say "go",

you can make a wish.

When I say "stop," it's over. Okay?

Go. Stop. Sorry.

Now I'm going to make a wish:

A doggy song!

When you hold him in your arm,

doggy's feeling nice and warm. - Stop.

When you scratch his little ear, doggy

sighs, as you can hear. - Must go!

When you poke his little nose,

doggy's hurting, and it shows. - Yes!

When you twist his little tail,

doggy's gonna cry and wail. - Wailing.

When you kick him in the butt,

then he'll squeal, the little mutt.

We all know for what this calls:

Let's cut off the doggy's...

I'm not done! After he is skinned

alive, we end our little doggy-jive.

Who left the door open?

Bubi, are you there?

Who ate my coltsfoot soup?

And who... - Who put

this pretty doll on my chair?

And who...

- What idiot hung his dirty coat here?

And who...

- Who took my bearskin?

And who's that lying in my bed?

Bubi?

A woman!

Calm down, boys.

We'll get to the bottom of this.

Think it through. Step by step.

Is there some higher power

working against us?

Is there even such a thing

as a higher power?

Does anyone have a clue

who she might be?

I know! I know!

Wanted:
Snow White.

A reward!

Hello? I'm Snow White.

And who are you?

We're the seven dwarves.

Really?

I thought dwarves were smaller.

Most people do.

A common misconception.

Wait! Wait! Wait!

- What?

Here.

- My dollhouse. That's so sweet.

But now I have to...

- Now she has to...

You scared her off.

- Him and his reward!

We have to stop her! Follow me.

- Right now?

Wait! Wait! Wait!

I really have to... - I'll make you

a glass noodle pudding.

You can sleep in my bed, if you like.

I have to...

- We're nice guys, really.

Great, but I have to...

- I'll come with you.

Thank you, but that's impossible.

How courageous.

Where will you go, all by yourself?

I really have to go!

You're acting like a bunch of fools.

We're just faking. For the reward.

Excuse me? There's no toilet paper.

Could someone go get some?

We have a problem.

There's only one man who can help.

Yes.

Yeah, whaddya want?

White Helge! Wisest of the Wise!

We are the seven dwarves.

And we have a problem.

Right.

Just toss the ring into the fire.

But we don't have a ring.

We have Snow White.

Then throw Snow White into the fire.

We can't throw Snow White

into the fire.

Well. That's a problem all right.

Great, thanks a lot, White Helge...

Oh, don't mention it...

See ya.

Pompous ass.

Idiot. Schmuck.

Are you nuts?

Stop it, you filthy mutt.

Seek, seek, seek,

we're playing hide and seek!

Beat, beat, beat,

we're playing hide and beat!

Hello!

I have a new cap.

And I'm not as tall anymore.

Okay, okay.

You're already seven, right?

All right then...

Seek, seek, seek...

Excuse me?

What are you doing?

Nothing. Just playing Hide-and-Beat.

- I thought this was Dwarfcheckers.

Never heard of it.

It's a board game.

We beat one another with a board.

What if someone falls? - Then you say

"Check." - Do you know Dwarfopoly?

It's another board game. - Each player

whacks the others with a board.

Or Double or Hits?

- Let me guess:

You hit each other with a board...

- Nonsense, you underestimate us.

It's way more complex. Everyone

gets TWO boards to hit the others...

Check!

Snow White.

I need to talk to you.

We have a problem.

I can learn. The games seem

pretty easy. - No, that's not it.

You know,

being a dwarf is a serious business.

We're dwarves out of conviction.

It's a way of looking at the world. We

made a decision to live without women.

Most of us...

have been hurt by a woman.

Everyone has his story.

I, for example, lost my beloved wife.

Life had lost all meaning for me.

I'd rather not talk about it.

- You don't have to. - I've changed.

It's really none of my business.

- I've never talked about it...

Then don't.

- I lost everything.

But then a door opened,

and brought light into my darkness.

I placed an ad,

looking for like-minded folks.

"Fed up with life and women?

Join the Seven Dwarves Project."

And these seven guys replied?

Oh, no. Far more than that.

Eight.

One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six.

Seven.

Some who didn't make it

never got over it.

Not every man can be a dwarf.

And not every dwarf

can be a fairy-tale prince.

I think you underestimate my boys.

You think so?

We still have an issue, though.

We can't live with you in one house.

We can solve this.

Check!

So you did not bring her here,

as specifically requested

by your queen?

What are you, nuts?

This is a scandal.

A mutiny! What happened to

that b*tch of a brunette?

Well, she's... dead.

- Yeah?

It was him. He ate her.

He ate her? All gone?

Not a shred left.

Tore her into tiny pieces.

Oh, goody. All right, then.

- Yes.

Coltsfoot on a bed of nettle, with

blackthorn dressing. You earned this.

Really? How?

- Hot wieners!

Yes!

So you all have problems with women?

Nonsense. Says who?

I've heard that you've all been hurt.

I'm listening.

Speedy?

Tshakko?

Sunny?

Cloudy?

Yes, Bubi.

What would you like to share?

Nothing.

Mrs. Billerbeck.

- Sorry?

You remind me of my teacher.

Mrs. Billerbeck. That b*tch.

She had her good sides.

- Really? Remember the stupid play?

The parts were perfect for us.

The three happy piggies

and the big, bad wolf.

Three little piggies, that's

what I am, and I'm happy as a clam.

Three little piggies is what we are,

and we're feeling wunderbar!

Woo-hoo!

I'm the wolf, I'm big, I'm bad.

I'm gonna huff and puff like mad.

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