Seven Dwarfs Page #3

---

With a mighty roar and thunder,

Piggy town is going under.

Oh. The horror.

Stop!

My God! Not a shred of talent!

Get out!

And so the b*tch kicked us out.

Maybe you should have switched roles.

Me? The big, bad wolf?

And me... the three little pigs?

All right, here is my story:

I nce met a girl.

She was a real hottie.

And I'm thinking: "Go for it."

But the thing was...

she lived way up high.

But hey, I'm not from foolsville.

See, she had these two long braids.

So I just climbed up one of them.

Howdy.

And I was in love!

That must have hurt.

- Nah, wasn't that high.

Maybe you should have been quicker.

Quicker?

Ah...

Quicker!

Quicker. Got it.

I'll make it quick.

No lengthy introductions.

I found a magic lamp...

at a beach nce.

A lamp!

A beautiful lamp!

Well, what do we have here?

A beautiful magic lamp.

Yes, it is. My lamp.

That was the chance of a lifetime.

The magic lamp

could have solved all your problems.

What do I need a lamp for?

My problem is that I can't hit women.

You lost. You didn't say "Check."

Not fair! I didn't even...

Stop it!

Lost! Lost! Lost!

- Would you shut up?

Check.

I think I hit a woman.

I hit a woman!

Yes, hello again.

I think I know what this is about.

And YOU are the prettiest!

Although...

on a more global level...

What?

I am the fairest in all the land.

Well. "All the land"...

might be a teensy exaggeration.

Okay, if we exclude the forest...

then, fine. But...

beyond the seven hills,

we got the seven dwarves...

and they do have a certain person

in their midst...

Snow White.

You could, of course, ignore her.

But why?

Why can't brunettes

write the number 77?

They don't know which 7 comes first.

Hunter or a black eye.

The hunter!

There he is, our good hunter,

who helped us get rid of the brunette.

Rid of the brunette.

Brutus tore her to shreds.

Tiny pieces.

- Tiny pieces.

That's right, isn't it, hunter?

- Yes, ma'am.

What do you take me for?

What do you take her for?

Don't lie to me! Or at least

lie better! - Lie better!

Security!

No!

Not hilarity! Security!

Ah, security.

Starting tomorrow,

I'll be handling this myself.

What do you have in mind?

Just wait.

You'll find out soon enough.

Well, my prince. Your princess

is going to bed. Say good night.

No, I'm sleeping on top.

- No, me.

I'd like to. - No, let me!

- Guys, let me.

No, no, no, I'm the oldest.

- Yes, but I'm stronger.

And I'm weaker.

You'll break my back.

I've just about had it.

Yes, one more.

Another kiss.

Now I really have to go beddy-bye.

It's my 18th birthday tomorrow.

Do you think I'll find my prince?

You'll find him. No problem.

He's much closer than you think.

He's the one who sleeps on top.

Me! - Me!

- Me! - Hey!

I know something. If you want me to

tell, you have to let me sleep on top.

We'll have to know if it's worth it.

If I have the top bed, I'll tell you:

It's Snow White's birthday tomorrow.

All right, you lousy blackmailer.

You got something there. Give.

Snow White's 18th birthday

is tomorrow.

Well, ain't that something?

- Let's throw a party.

A surprise party.

With fireworks.

- And plenty to eat.

Count me out.

Maybe Snow White'll cook for you.

She can't cook

at her own surprise party.

I don't care.

I banned wieners for a reason.

Cooky!

Your haute cuisine

made our palates susceptible...

to more basic pleasures,

such as wieners.

So you enjoyed my cooking?

No, but who else is dumb enough

to cook for us?

Wait a minute.

Isn't tomorrow the anniversary of...

Don't say it.

What?

- "THAT night".

That's odd.

Her 18th birthday...

and his 18th anniversary...

What an odd coincidence.

Small world.

We're having a fancy dress. I'll wear

nothing except black gloves and shoes.

I'll be... - What's all this?

- The five of spades.

Ah, five of spades.

A party on the anniversary

of my misery!

nce upon a time...

happiness was mine.

Why did it ever leave my side?

I lost everything that night.

nce upon a time...

I was hers...

and she was mine.

Now I sit at home, bitter and alone.

Is there any happiness in sight?

The kind I nce knew

before that night?

Your Majesty looks enchanting.

Ravishing. And this lovely outfit!

Nonsense,

I look just as horrid as you.

Come on, we're going into the forest.

- The forest?

Put on this hat.

- Hat?

And wear this beard.

- Beard?

Don't forget the Tupperware container.

- Tupperware container.

Tupperware container?

What do you see when you look

into the Queen's eyes?

The back of her skull.

Great joke, eh? The best jest ever!

Ready for another one?

This one's even better.

What do you call it

when the Queen is wearing ear plugs?

Filling the void!

And what makes her laugh

in the morning?

Last night's joke.

- Hold it.

I tell the jokes around here.

- Not anymore. Your queen has risen.

And what rhymes with "risen"?

No idea.

Prison!

At least you can smoke there.

Yeah, sure, okay.

Do I have to do everything myself?

Where is the Tupperware container?

Tupperware container.

Good morning.

Wipe your feet.

Where is everyone?

I can't say.

- And why?

Because I don't want to.

Fine.

I wanted to talk to you in private.

Would you share

some of your recipes with me?

Is this a joke?

- No, why?

I like them. Are they your Mom's?

No. My Mom had different recipes.

I remember making

wheatgrass mousse with buckthorn brew

and sun-dried sunflower seeds for her.

To which she said:

Get that slop away from me.

That's how it was.

No one likes my food.

- Conceptually, it's not bad.

Your cuisine just lacks

a certain touch at times.

A touch of wiener, for example.

What's that supposed to be?

Wait a minute.

Wieners in yarrow crust.

Wieners with herbs and leeks.

Wieners with burnet and parsnip roots.

Sounds delicious.

- Wieners don't have to be boring.

No.

- Wieners can be exciting.

Right.

I have to try this at your...

I mean, at some point.

Excuse me.

You can do so much with a tomato.

Such as?

I knew it.

- You're having a party without me?

So you are cooking after all?

Of course.

I thought of something special.

Plantain rolls with herb dumplings.

Plantain rolls?

With wild mushrooms.

I'll get them!

- What do you know about mushrooms?

Nothing. - You can't be too careful.

Go with him.

And take the "Big Book of Mushrooms"!

What goes with mushrooms?

How about...

- Venison ragout!

No, we're having...

Wieners!

A classic gem:

The "blue-and-yellow copulator."

You can recognize it

by its blue tip and yellow stem.

It used to be a popular aphrodisiac,

though the arousing effect

is short-lived.

The "fiery throat fungus"

is considered especially delicious.

But only for wild animals.

In humans, it causes...

an unbearable irritation

in the throat.

Ingesting fluids...

enhances the effect.

The burning can be stopped

by ingesting a "common'shroom."

Which can, however,

lead to visions and hallucinations.

Your Majesty, this is illegal.

Of course kidnapping is illegal.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes