Sex After Kids

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So, from all the stories

you've collected

For your book,

would you say that,

In general,

sex after kids is terrible?

Yes!

In fact, the jury is still out

as to whether or not

Kids are good for marriages.

Period.

There's a psychological

study that says that

83% of couples suffer some

form of moderate

Or severe crisis after kids

come into the picture.

I would say then,

the answer is,

Professionally speaking,

of course,

That kids are not good

for your sex life.

At all!

Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!

Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!

Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!

Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!

- Hey.

- Hey.

Finally get her to sleep?

Mm. Down like a clown,

Charlie Brown.

Excellent

- Mmm.

- I'll drink to that.

What's all this?

Well, I thought it would

be nice for a change.

Pretend we're adults, right?

Are you trying

to seduce me?

And you got some tomato

sauce on your chin, too...

- actually.

- Oh.

Babe, I'm covered in spit up

and I'm exhausted.

Can we try, maybe tomorrow

or later this week?

Yeah, sure.

That'd be fine, sure.

You're mad.

No, I'm not mad.

Why would I be mad?

Because it's been a while.

It hasn't been a while,

it's been a year.

It has not been a year.

Right, then it's been

359 days.

And eleven hours.

- No.

- Yeah.

Yeah.

- Really?

- Mhmm.

Okay, all right. Let's go.

Where?

We're gonna have sex

right now.

- Are you serious?

- Yep. Let's go.

Okay.

Oh, yeah.

- That's nice.

- Yeah, yeah.

That's good, you good?

Oh, yeah.

Mm-kay.

So do you want, want me

to start now, or...?

Start?

What the hell

have you been doing?

I don't know, gaining entry?

Oh!

Okay, okay. No no no. No.

Stop. Okay, we're done.

This counts.

- What?

- Yep.

Counts? As what?

That was two strokes.

Come on, give a fella

a fighting chance here.

Okay.

Ahh! No, no.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

We're done. I'm sorry,

babes. You're killing me.

It feels like I'm having sex

with branding iron.

Oh my God.

I'm sorry, ever since

the baby it just...

Oh, okay, okay.

Okay, we don't have

to do this now.

- Okay. Okay.

- It's fine, okay?

- Just...

- What?

Can you just stop.

Just don't move. At all.

- At all?

- At all.

Don't move?

Yes.

Does losing my erection

count as moving?

Yes. So don't.

Babes, when was the last time

you trimmed your nose hair?

Can we keep this remotely

sexy, please?

I'm, I'm here

trying to please you.

Right? I'm trying to pleasure

you.

Aw, you want

to pleasure me?

Yeah.

Will you let me

sleep in tomorrow?

Sure, okay. Just...

Okay, sorry!

Hello gorgeous.

Vanessa?

And in the first

time in well over a year,

Vanessa Thomas is expected

to make an appearance

Tonight at the annual

Humanitarian Awards.

Tune in tomorrow morning

to see what she wore

Down the red carpet.

Hun? What are we going

to do if we run into...

What are you doing?

The limo's going to be here

in half an hour.

No. Its more than I need.

Here. Take.

Hey oops.

Whoa. He's burning up.

He's just a little hot, Sean.

The sitter will take care of it.

You look like hell too.

Well of course I look like

hell. Let me put my face on.

Oh, hon hon hon.

He got you sick!

No. We're going out, Sean.

We're going out

and I'm gonna have

The time of my Li...

Did you just throw up

in your mouth?

Hon, I'm calling the sitter.

No! You're being honored.

Yeah but... I'll just go.

No! We'll both go.

No, come on, hon,

he, obviously he needs you.

Not some stranger.

No no, but Sean,

I bought, I bought a dress.

And shoes.

Hon. Be honest, you don't

do heels anymore.

Hey, you watch it.

I can still rock a pump.

I know. For fifteen minutes.

Yeah, but no...

But those are a fierce ass

fifteen minutes.

Watch me go!

I am calling the sitter.

Sean...

You suck, Sean!

Right back at you.

And if you need us,

you call us.

And, and if it's

an emergency

You call Gage or Larissa.

And take cabs.

Public transit is filthy and the

streets are full of vagrants.

Okay, Mom-

Do you need any money?

Mom. I have a job and you

know that... Okay.

Dad, can you help me out

a little bit here please.

You're going to be

just fine, kiddo.

Mwah. Mmm.

Now. Give 'em hell.

You guys are gonna be

bored out of your minds

Without me around here.

Oh, we'll all be just fine,

won't we, hon?

Of course we will.

Your Dad and I know

how to entertain ourselves.

Mhmm.

Let's start with the yellow

this time.

The yellow pieces.

Get me all the yellow pieces.

Thank you.

I'm tired.

I'm gonna go to bed.

Oh.

Yeah.

Sure. Yeah.

Oh.

Oh my g... oh my god, faster,

faster, yeah!

Right there. Right there!

Get it! Get it!

Horton?

What's wrong?

Would you care for some...

Sex?

God, you do know

how to make me laugh.

You thought I... Yeah.

Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!

I just... I just don't

understand it.

I don't understand

how you can sit there

While your child's heart is

breaking in the next room.

His heart is not breaking.

He's just pissed off

That we're not rocking

him to sleep.

Two nights. That's all

the book says it'll take.

It's torture.

We are not torturing him.

Please.

Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!

Mommy, I love you!

Hey! No!

What're you doing?

Ohh.

Foreplay. It'll take

your mind off the cries.

If I have sex with you while

our son is screaming

In the next room, I'm forever

going to associate

Intimacy with pain.

Oh, well that's kind of hot,

isn't it?

P*ssy!

Shh.

Oi!

Let's make a deal, alright?

You go to sleep straight

away

And your first fake ID is on

Uncle Peyton.

All right?

You gonna be alright

with her?

Yeah, sure.

What can go wrong?

Everything can go wrong,

Pey.

Every night I high five myself

just for keepin' her alive.

Listen, I have TeleHealth

on speed dial.

If you call though

you've got to ask for Marcy,

She's nice and sort of

knows me a bit now.

So, everybody else just

sort of threatens to call

Social services on you.

Are you goin' out

dressed like that?

Yeah. Why?

Oh, depends.

You want to get laid?

I don't know.

I mean yeah, I suppose.

I just wanna go out and

meet somebody nice,

You know,

who might like me.

Sort of test the waters a bit.

You're a single mom,

you don't got

Time to be f***ing about.

Go out there

and have some fun.

Do you mean

like dodgeball?

I mean like

gettin' f***ing laid.

Okay, well I mean, I sup... I

suppose I could give it a go.

Have you seen my

diaphragm?

'Course I haven't seen

your f***ing diaphragm.

Besides you're protected.

You know,

your tits and whatnot.

Wha-what do you mean?

Oh, I was f***in'

this bird back home

And she said

she couldn't get pregnant

While she was breastfeedin'.

Saved a fortune

on condoms.

Are condoms very

expensive now?

You're missing the point

of the story, love.

Right. Okay.

Yeah, so my father took off

when I was a baby,

So there's a special place in

my heart for people like you.

Nobody ran off on me.

I, I, I chose this, you know.

Oh!

Yeah, I knocked myself up.

Yeah.

I mean, well, no.

I mean, I didn't

knock myself up.

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