Sex After Kids Page #2

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I went to one of those

sperm banks, you know.

Well, spank banks

I think you call them.

Well, I mean,

I don't know if you do, but...

Anyway, I've always just

really wanted a family,

You know, just, I've always

just sort of had this hole

Inside of me that kinda

needed filling up,

So I just, I thought

maybe a baby

Could do that, you know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

No, it's so true, they...

I mean it's not, you know,

it's been different

Than I expected, so...

I mean don't get me wrong,

I love the baby to bits,

I really do, you know, but...

God, I mean they poop a lot,

don't they?

And they suck.

It's all a lot of sucking.

I mean, it's already eatin' me

out of house and home

And it's only me b*obs.

So you know, here I am.

Just kind of out and about.

- Looking for love.

- Yeah, yeah...

No! No, God, no.

I'm not... no love for me just,

uh, just casual.

You know, just gettin' out.

Yeah, I mean, God,

who in their right mind's

Looking for a single mom?

You know, I mean maybe

a pedophile, I suppose.

Not that you're a pedophile.

Are you?

No!

So you know...

I mean, my brother

put it best, you know,

He put it like:

The hole I need fillin' up

is probably

Not an emotional one.

You know,

it's a... a different hole...

Your brother told you this?

Yeah. Yeah.

And, good news is,

we don't need a condom.

Because of me tits.

So. We just, ah,

we just do it...

- God!

- Oh!

Oh, f***! Oh!

- Oh, god!

- Shh.

You're gonna, you're gonna

wake her, you're gonna wake her.

Oh, God, it's so f***ing hot

that you're a Dad.

- Oh!

- Thanks.

Oh, god. Oh, f***.

Oh, f***. Turn me over.

Yeah. Oh God.

Oh, f***.

Oh, god.

Oh.

Oh, God.

Pull my hair.

Pull my hair.

Oh, god yeah!

Oh, punish me, daddy.

Oh, f***.

Smack my ass.

- Smack your ass?

- Yeah!

Oh, punish me.

Oh, punish me, daddy.

F*** me, daddy!

Oh, punish me.

I love the way

you f*** me, daddy!

- Oh!

- Okay, okay.

I can't do this.

I'm out. I'm out.

Oh, please will you just give

Uncle Peyton a break. Look...

I could smother you and you

wouldn't even know it.

I didn't mean that.

I love you, honestly,

to pieces,

But will you please

just shut the f*** up!

Pey? You all right?

How do I turn her off?

You mean they're not supposed to

scream bloody murder all the time?

Are you sure this is

How you're supposed

to put her to sleep?

It's not so bad, you know,

once you get used to it like.

I don't know whether

I could ever put up with that.

It makes me

want to eat glass.

You know what Lou,

I don't know if I'm gonna

be able to stay here.

Well, what are you

going to do?

You going to go buy a house

With all your inheritance

money you pissed away?

Hey, there's no need to be

a b*tch about it, all right.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Pey,

I didn't mean that.

Stay.

Be my nanny.

- F*** off.

- No, come on.

It's free room and board.

No seriously, f*** off,

I'm just passing through.

I've got plans.

Besides, what d'you need

a Nanny for anyway?

Well, it's harder than I

thought it was gonna be...

You know,

doin' it on my own...

Hey!

Hey, she stopped crying.

See, it's not so hard.

Why are you back

so early anyway?

I don't know.

Couldn't close the deal, eh?

You see,

you were searching

For the wrong type of man.

What you need is a sexual

deviant, you know?

Someone who'll smash

your back doors in

And walk away

without a second thought.

You know,

maybe you're right.

Maybe I should just give up

On all this love

and fulfillment lark.

I mean, it's never done me

any favors, has it?

Just been a slew of endless

Disappointment

and rejection.

Right.

That's it.

No more love for me.

Only lust for this trollop.

Right? Yeah?

I'm gonna get out there

and I'm gonna get someone

To really give it to me.

You know, someone,

someone who'll say,

"Who's your Daddy"

And really smash in my side

door...

- Your back door...

- My back door!

Yeah.

How do I find

a social deviant?

What, what do I do?

Well you know, basically

you gotta clearly indicate

What you will

and you won't do, all right?

Um... dirty Sanchez.

Strawberry sundae.

That sort of thing.

Okay, well Strawberry

Sundae sounds all right.

How's that work?

Well, it's when you release

your demons

Into the lady's face, and you

know, when she can't see,

You smash her one in the

nose.

Strawberry Sundae.

That's awful.

Who would do such a thing

to another human being?

Oh, Peyton!

Don't do that to someone!

She asked me too...

Oh. Well.

I suppose if she asked.

Yeah.

How old is he?

Two and a half.

Aw.

So, do you mind if I ask

how you two met?

- Online.

- A bookstore.

We, we actually met online

But it embarrasses her

to say that, so...

No, no! That's amazing.

I just always assumed that

online dating was for losers.

No, you're not losers!

I loved it. I

order everything online, so.

Order, seriously?

Really?

So which one of you gave

birth, then?

Excuse me? Which one

of you is the real mom?

Oh, uh...

We both are.

Maybe one of us carried him

in her womb, you know.

Maybe... maybe we both

adopted him.

Maybe one of us...

Donated an egg and the

other one carried it.

Doesn't really matter,

we're both raising the child

And we're committed

to his well-being

Which makes us both

real moms.

Yeah.

I'm sorry. I just... I didn't

mean to offend you.

I just don't...

Know the, the protocol

for people in your situation.

Our situation?

It's, it's funny cause it's not

actually a situation,

We are... we're lesbians.

It's our family.

Are you retarded?

No...

We should go to the park

more often.

Who the f***

still talks like...

Hey hey, language.

Who the fiddlesticks

still talks like that?

"People in your situation. "

Say lesbian!

Hell, say dyke, for all I care.

You know it's over, right

babe?

I know.

Maybe it's not such a terrible

question, though. I mean...

Maybe one of us should be

more Mom

And then the other

more Dad.

And if so, I call Mom.

Why, so you can have the

monopoly on being cute?

I like pink.

No. Look. One of our

strengths as a couple

Is how different we are.

Maybe, um...

Maybe we should

embrace that.

Give him a little bit

more structure.

You sound like a pamphlet.

C*nt.

Language!

Oh, no, that's not a swear,

it's an actual body part...

Okay, it's a swear,

But you were being

a bit of a c*nt.

Ah! Hey, hey, hey!

We are gentle with people

and things.

We are...

Gentle

with people and things.

Except when

we're being a c*nt.

# The wipers on the bus go,

swish, swish, swish,

# all through the town.

# The people on the bus go

Hi, Hi, Annie

- Honey.

- Hey, honey!

You're home early.

Yeah! Uh, where's the baby?

Oh, she's upstairs napping.

So you were just singing

that to yourself?

It got stuck in my head?

Okay, let's go with that.

Um...

I've got a little surprise

for you.

Oh!

I like surprises.

Okay, just a second...

Come on in.

Nice to meet you.

So to summarize, the issue

is that when Jules

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