Sex After Kids Page #3

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Is in the mood,

It's always during the day

when Ben is at work,

And when Ben comes home,

you are simply exhausted.

Exactly. Yep.

What about the weekends?

Oh no, That's... that's when

stuff's getting done

- around the house.

- Yes. No...

- We have to do laundry...

- Lot of things, yeah...

- And shopping. And laundry.

- Right.

There's a lot of laundry.

Yeah. It's not uncommon.

But what most couples don't

realize is that, on average,

Seven to twenty minutes is

all it takes to have sex.

Less time than laundry.

I'm sorry, are you criticizing

the way that I do laundry?

- Ooh.

- Because, um...

- I pre-soak my cloth diapers

- Yeah.

- So...

- It's pretty important.

- Presoaking is kinda crucial.

- Yeah, it takes a long...

- The stains will cake right in

- longer but...

- And I think...

- It's an investment.

I think he gets it. No one's

saying it's a bad idea.

No, no, no. I'm saying,

I'm saying that I just want

both of you to be aware

Of each other's investment,

You know?

I mean be Ben is...

Clearly, sexually...

Frustrated, aren't you Ben?

It's be... it's been a year.

No. No!

The other night...

- Oh, that thing, you do not,

- We had sex.

You do not get to count that.

- I'm sorry.

- Oh, I count it.

- Nope.

- It counts.

- A year.

- Yeah.

And your baby's

six months old.

Right.

Well, my gynecologist said

that it couldn't hurt

To abstain from sex

during pregnancy.

What did your dentist say?

Okay...

What did your

proctologist say?

- Oh, he says you're gross.

- Okay.

He comes... he comes up

with a good question.

There's a difference

between

Abstaining from vaginal sex

And sexual contact

all together.

Now...

Let me ask you...

Do you have a reason...

For avoiding fellating your

husband?

Mother's don't fellate.

- Yes, they do.

- No they don't.

What? There's a, there's

a whole genre of porn...

- devoted to that very idea.

- Ohh...

Now, I... I'm gon... I'm going

to suggest something here

That I suggest

to all my clients.

For one hundred

days

I want you

to have sex every day.

I haven't done that

since college.

When...

Did you do that in college?

We were together in college.

Not the whole time.

Um.

When we...

Have sex and I have this...

burning sensation.

It just, it doesn't go away.

Oh, there's a pamphlet for

that...

I want you to, to treat this

hundred days like exercise.

It doesn't sound like

a great idea at the time,

And we always make

excuses for not doing it,

But once you start -

It's good.

And when you really get into

it - it's pleasant, really.

Pleasant.

What do you say, honey?

You want get into

something...

Pleasant with me?

- Sure.

- Yeah?

Yeah.

We'll still do the laundry

though, right?

Yes, we'll still do the laundry.

Okay, good. I just put a fresh

load in.

Yeah, well, I would like

to put a fresh load in

Myself, from time to time.

Okay...

She served it up, Doc. It's

a...

But you don't have to bring

it-

Put a "fresh load" in.

Did you want another cup...

Coffee?

No. Thank you.

- Okay.

- Okay.

Oh...

He's so cute!

How do you stand it?

Oh, the incessant screaming

helps balance it out nicely.

There's my little Oopsie.

I've been meaning

to ask you...

Why do you call him

"Oopsie"?

Oh, it's just Sean's

nickname for him.

You were a big surprise,

weren't you, baby?

I've missed seeing you

on television.

Oh! Thank you

for saying that!

You know, Horton and I

were both very surprised

That you didn't

go back to the show

After your maternity leave.

It was the baby weight,

right?

Oh god, no. I've lost all the

baby weight.

Oh. Of course you have.

No, I, ah, I just decided that

it was just important

To stay home

to raise this little guy.

And Sean makes more than

enough for both of us,

So just, why bother with all

of the drama, you know?

So...

How's being a full-time Mom

working out for you?

Well, uh, I um...

I've lost my mind,

Is what's happened.

I've always thought that,

if I was ever going to have

A, just a dirty, nasty little

thing, I would...

Keep it in a closet until I

needed it for a charity event

Or something. But! I've gone

Full Metal Stepford here.

a

strict formal dress code,

There was 82 handmade gift

bags, a $5,000 candy table,

12 different kinds of

sandwiches

Including the swordfish

canap, which was lovely.

Looks like you covered

everything.

Yeah, no yeah yeah.

Everything,

except, uh, other kids.

You forgot to invite

other children?

We don't know

any other children.

Oh. I see.

So, uh, how are things here

with the empty nest?

Must be like a second

honeymoon around here.

Oh...

Well, we're not all

as young and sexy

As you are, you know.

I just... I don't find her

attractive anymore.

I think I traded in low cuts

and long legs for...

Sweat pants

and breast milk stains.

That'll all go away. You guys

are still having sex, right?

Don't get me started. She's

insatiable. It's ridiculous.

You should get

some real problems.

Do you know when the last time

I even saw Dolores naked was?

I had hair.

I don't even know

what we are anymore.

Friends, I suppose...

Well, c'mon, seriously,

you're still young, you know.

And you had a good run

at it.

You brought up

three amazing kids.

There's no, there's no

shame in calling it a day

If the passion's gone.

Sean. She is the mother

of my children.

Yeah. But they're gone.

Right?

So your penis is still actually

in this girl when you decide

That you never want

to see her again?

She called me "Daddy".

Ooh.

Okay, so um,

couldn't you just say:

"Please don't

call me Daddy"?

I mean, that's what adults

do, right?

They communicate.

They just don't pull out.

It's true, actually.

Larissa never has a problem

telling me exactly,

Specifically what it is

that I'm doing wrong.

I believe you.

Well, okay, that's because I

want to be in a relationship.

Gage is just looking to have

a good time.

That is...

Ephraim?

He's okay. Look.

What are you trying

to say about me, huh?

Okay, um.

You...

Knowingly choose imperfect

women

So that you can use it as

an excuse to get rid of them

When you get bored.

That's really shitty, Larissa.

Oh, it is

without a doubt shitty.

I don't do that.

Why did you break up

with that, uh, teacher?

She had to go to bed too

early.

The waitress?

She stayed up way too late.

So wait, you're saying

that I'm the problem?

Look.

He's having a moment.

Awwwww!

Oh, come on honey,

Prove us wrong.

Find yourself a nice,

normal woman

And give her an actual shot.

Yeah, and where does one

find a "nice normal" woman?

Mom Group.

Lots of ladies.

Big... milk-

Full breasts.

Wow.

Ahh.

It's eight o'clock.

Yeah. Yes it is.

Yeah.

Uh, do you want to do this

in the bedroom?

Yeah, it's probably

most comfortable.

Okay.

Yeah, just have to brush my

teeth first.

Really?

Yeah, I mean, well...

We're probably gonna

kiss and stuff, right?

Right. Right, yeah.

- Yeah.

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