Sex After Kids Page #4

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- Okay.

Okay, um... Oh, did you want

shirt on or off? Were you...

Like, were you, are you

gonna fondle my nipples...

I didn't really have any

nipple plans, per say.

Right. It turns you on,

though, right?

Well, yeah, but I thought

turned you on too.

You could light my nipples

on fire right now

And I would not feel it.

Mmmm.

Yeah?

- That's good.

- Good.

You're so...

You're so beautiful.

Thanks.

Yeah.

It's... it's kind of like you're

trying to put out a small fire.

Yeah? Cause it's hot?

No, it's just cause you're,

you're punching me now.

You're just punching me

right in the dick.

- Oh, I'm sorry!

- Yeah.

- Just

- It's okay.

Why is it sometimes

you're so rock hard

And then other days you're

like an old woman's breast.

Okay, your dirty talk needs

a lot of work.

Okay, do you want me,

Should I fellate you,

or something?

Can you think of a less sexy

way to ask me that?

How can I get you get hard?

I don't know.

There's all this pressure

now.

I know, right?!

I, I, I can't do

all this pre-planning.

I need this to be

spontaneous.

Feel like I'm doing chores.

Oh, I need to put the dry...

Laundry in the dry...

Can we please not talk

about laundry, right now?

Okay, seriously...

Okay.

Look, we have to get

through this, all right?

- I know.

- Somehow.

A hundred consecutive

days.

It's supposed to be fun!

Well, he didn't say

when we had to start.

We could start tomorrow.

Yeah, exactly.

Okay. Good talk.

Yeah?

Yeah. Go team.

Mmm.

So are we gonna put the

clothes in the dryer?

Yeah, I got it. I got it. Okay.

Hon?

Hon?

How was your day?

Hey Daddy...

Hey... Mama?

Wow.

I finally fit into my lingerie.

Yeah. More or less, yeah.

Is Oops asleep?

He's at, uh, grandma's.

Oof. I, uh, I had a long day.

Great.

Let's have a long night.

I just want to grab

something.

I'm a little peckish.

I've got something for you

to snack on right here.

Yeah...

Um, no, I was, I was...

Something with protein,

that's what I was thinking...

Sean. Listen, my, uh...

My ego is holding on

by a thread, here okay?

I have had enough of

b*tches in the park,

That's where the real b*tches

are, okay?

Talking about how to get

their kids to go to sleep

And what kind of

apple sauce to eat,

And, and preservatives and...

You know, I don't give a sh*t.

I just...

Want to feel like an woman.

Alrighty then.

What?

Nothing, honey.

Did you let the cat

in here?

No. Why?

Really?

It smells like rancid urine.

I don't, I don't smell

anything.

I'm not crazy.

It must have

permeated the cover,

We'll have to burn it.

What?

It's you!

Did you get sprayed by a

skunk, or something?

It's hormonal!

What?! How come I've

never noticed that before?

Because I put a ridiculous

amount of effort

Into not perspiring

around you.

That feels

great. That's really good.

That feels great.

No no no. Don't touch

my kangaroo pouch.

No, I need a time-out.

- The smell.

- Don't you dare.

- I'm so goddamn close.

- Just a minute.

I can't stand the smell,

I'm going to be sick...

No, c'mon! Just seven more

thrusts. Man up!

- Come on.

- I'm on fire.

Hurry up!

- Four... three...

- I'm gonna be sick!

- Nyah!

- No, I'm gonna be sick.

Nyah! Nyah! Nyah!

Nyah! Nyah!

Ohh!

That was amazing.

How long do you think

before you can go again?

I think we need

to have a talk.

Sure.

Can you, do you remember

that bright yellow piece...

- that we had...

- Dolores.

Oh, it's serious.

Well...

The other night I asked you

if you wanted to have,

You know.

And um,

you laughed in my face.

Well...

I thought you were joking,

honey.

Why would I joke

about that?

Because we

never have sex...

Exactly.

Are you unhappy, Horton?

Um...

I think so.

You know, I, I have needs.

And I have to make sure

those needs are met.

So if you've decided that you

don't like having sex...

I love sex!

Then why aren't we

having it?

Okay.

To be frank, it's...

It got a little boring.

The same thing over and

over and over again,

I mean, you, you, you

had no focus.

There was no attention

to what I needed.

A woman needs...

Certain things...

Done to her, to build...

Up to, slowly build up

to a climax.

You mean you've never had

an orgasm?

No, I have orgasms

all the time,

I just never have them

with you.

Not even when

I touched your "spot"?

Oh, honey...

Where "the spot" is and, and

where you thought it was...

Worlds apart.

Well how the hell

was I suppose to know?!

It's not like it comes

with GPS.

You could have asked.

Okay.

Well...

Now I'm asking.

Okay.

Om. Om nom nom.

You got your peaches

here too.

Okay? Let's get Dada

some breakfast.

Is that good?

- Morning Dada.

- Good morning.

What would you like for

breakfast?

Oh...

Mmm

Morning.

Mmm.

What're you doing?

Welcome to Day One, baby.

Ahh...

Oh, she's right there.

I turned her around,

she's fine.

You know, she's going to

hear us, though.

You know, kids can't make

memories

'Til they're about two. I'll

keep the moaning to a minimum.

No, I'm sorry, I can't.

It's just, it's too weird.

Right. Sure.

Can I make you some eggs?

Oh, I'll, I'll get something

at, at work. It'll be fine.

I appreciate the sentiment!

Oh, it was a super

awesome sentiment.

It was a lovely gesture!

Yeah, like flowers.

Shoot...

- Hey.

- Hey.

What'd ya bring me?

Chocolate! Thank you.

Where is he?

Come on, you know

how I feel about television.

Okay, first of all,

that's your thing, not mine.

I don't want my kid be

a pop-culture ignoramus.

And I prescreened it,

It's all about sharing

and sh*t.

That's not the point.

I had a bunch of e-mails

to respond to,

He was crawling

all over the keyboard

Wanting to know which

button he could push.

It was either that

or I lock him in the closet.

Was the world going to end

If you didn't get back to

these people right away?

Maybe.

Do you know when the last time

was that I checked my e-mail?

You forward poems with

kittens and rainbows,

Don't compare that

to my work.

Television is not

a baby-sitter.

Damn right it's not.

Babysitters are lazy little

b*tches.

My boy is down there

Learning about

the birds and the bees.

Actual... actual birds and

bees. It's the honey episode.

Ahhhh]

Huh!

Huh...

Can I bug you about

something?

Well, you didn't really give

me an option there, did you?

Nuh uh.

How're you doin'? How's your,

how's your first week going?

It's really fun.

Yeah. The tips pick up,

by the way. Later.

The tips are great.

I'm really happy with it.

Good deal.

How can I help you?

I was just wondering if you

could take a look at these.

Oh. Sure.

These are... okay,

that's you naked.

They're boudoir photos.

I need to pick three

and get them blown-up.

Um, for what?

For fun.

So do you like this-

No! Hey! Okay.

Come on! You didn't

even look at them.

That's, that's

completely inappropriate.

Why? It's just a naked body.

Have you never seen a

woman's naked body before?

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