Sex After Kids Page #5

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Not an employees, no.

I um-

Oh look, you're... you're

turned on.

Okay, that's...

You know what? That's uh...

Don't be embarrassed.

You're supposed to get

aroused.

Wow.

I think you're a cutie.

Um...

Oh! I got, I got a phone call.

I gotta take this.

I need you to look at these

later.

It's my wife.

Whatever.

Hi honey.

I'm horny.

Excuse me?

Ooh, I'm standing against a

vibrating washing machine.

You have no idea how good

this feels.

Are you kidding me

right now?

Oof, can you talk dirty

to me?

- No. I...

- Hey, Ben!

- Please.

- Hey Jeff!

- Please, please, please.

- I'm at work!

You are a bad girl.

Yeah. Yeah,

just like that, yeah.

No. No, I mean like

you are a bad...

Naughty girl, Okay?

This is torture for me.

Yeah, tell me

how naughty I am.

- Oooh.

- No. No, no, no.

I'm not participating in this,

okay?

This is doing nothing for me.

Mhmm. Yeah, keep going.

- Okay, I hate you right now.

- Oh, baby. Don't stop.

You know that? You're

gonna give me blue balls

Because of this. I'm going to

be walking around

With a twinge in my nut sack

all day.

Oh!

Mmmm.

I just want you to know

that this has been

A horrible experience for me.

Oh, that's great babes.

No, you know what, I'm

gonna come home at lunch.

I can't. I've got Moms Group.

You are a terrible person.

Love you too.

Hey...

Okay.

Did Lou tell you guys

the one about Mr. Funny?

I haven't heard it.

No, no, no. Nobody

needs to hear that.

Come on,

Lou, do it

for the new guy.

No. It was just...

Lou has discovered her

post-baby sexuality.

I swear to God, you

have got to write a blog.

Do it!

I met, I met this bloke online.

And he seemed like a very

nice guy, you know,

So I, I agreed to have him

pick me up for a date.

And so, he made you

laugh a lot?

Not really, no.

So, why do you call him Mr.

Funny?

No, that's actually his name.

He's, you know,

he's a professional clown

For a living.

I mean, I think, I think

he was nervous

Because he got in

and he just,

He already had on

his little red nose

And he reached over and he

just honked me breasts.

I mean, you know, I think-I

think he was just trying

To break the ice but I was so

surprised that I just...

Reached over and I grabbed

him by his penis really hard

And I could let go.

You know, and there we

both were

Starring at each other.

Him...

Cuppin' me jubblies and me

really givin' it to his banana.

So things are better

with Mark?

Oh.

Mark? No.

He wouldn't put me

out if I were on fire.

Oh no, so you gonna

get a divorce?

No. No, divorces

are horrible for children.

No, we would never

put them through that.

I may be a terrible wife, but

I'm a great goddamn mother.

Wait. So are you, are you

seeing someone...

- on the side?

- No.

There are web sites.

You know, for people

who just wanna...

Hook-up every now

and again.

You know, it's very casual.

It's easy.

I mean, we're all

in the same boat, right?

Nobody wants to get

into a messy situation.

Do you think you could

send me the link?

Absolutely.

Oh, great. Thanks, yeah.

But aren't you just, aren't

you kind of, living a lie?

Oh don't be so dramatic.

I mean, we're doing it

for the kids.

Mark and I may hate each

other, but we...

We love the kids.

We love the kids.

And, I mean, we want them

to keep their lives.

We don't want them

shuffling back and forth

From house to house

every other weekend.

I mean... no.

That's not a way to live.

If the, the kids are happy

then we're happy.

Aw, yes.

But how can you possible by

happy?

Listen.

You have to satisfy

yourself as a parent first,

Otherwise it's the kids

who really get hurt.

I'm right, right?

So then I just stuck

me thumb in,

But you know, even that's

only so big, isn't it?

Hmm. Well, how far?

Like, nail? Or...

No, I mean, all the way in

because that's, you know...

I, I heard it's like past the,

past the knuckle

And it's uncomfortable,

you know.

Do you always serve your,

uh, yogurt in a tube?

Oh yeah, it's brilliant.

Cause, it's yogurt, right? But

then...

You know, it's in a tube.

Yeah, but it's not really

yogurt.

I mean, have you

read the ingredients?

It's got five different

sweeteners in here.

Oh, yes.

That's right, I forgot.

You're Larissa's brother.

Oh, does Larissa not let you

eat things from a tube?

No, it's...

It's the high fructose corn

syrup... that's, uh...

It's like crack for kids, right?

Right well we won't have

anything in a tube

For next week.

Is that all right?

All forgiven, Daddy?

That's... um...

You know... you know, just

don't call me Daddy it's...

Sorry.

That's okay.

You know, he's single.

Yeah. No, no. Yeah.

Yeah, he's nice.

Yeah. Yeah.

I'm not, not really looking for

anything nice at the minute,

You know, just strictly

looking for sexual deviants.

Right now...

Oh.

Well. Good luck then.

Oh, thanks. Yeah, thanks.

Okay.

Can I have my cup back?

- Right, sorry.

- Yeah.

So now I want it to be

honest, right?

But not necessarily

completely truthful.

All right, well...

how's this then?

"Bitter, unsuccessful

middle aged loser"

Wallowing in

an unending sea of inert,

Drooping loneliness

Looking for needy leech-like,

hanger-oners

To abuse with dull stories,

kinky sex

And uh, old A-Ha albums. "

Do you think I should

mention

That I've got a child?

"With a bastard. "

God, why don't you just say

I masturbate every night

And cry myself to sleep?

- Give me that.

- Hey!

One more go.

Um... oh!

"I'm A Little Red Hen

And the barnyard feels

empty without you. "

Oh yeah, I like that.

Add... okay.

Add "I would like to have my

feathers tickled by you... "

Those into henpecking

need not apply.

"Cock-a-doodle-doo!"

I'm not writing that last part.

Oh no, it's great, right?

Cause it's a bit risqu, you

know, I say...

I say the word "cock. "

Where you going?

No, I say cock.

It's nice, isn't it? If I...

- Hi, sweetie!

- Hi, sweetie!

I was just

upstairs on the internet

Watching some porn... uh,

some stuff, you know,

On the internet uh, um.

The stamina of some

of these performers

Is just phenomenal.

They must be on

quite the training schedule.

You know, so I made

a bunch of notes.

You know, things that

I thought could help us

To improve our, you know...

How thoughtful of you,

Horton.

For example, um...

Where, where, where is it.

Oh yeah, here. Uh...

Did you know that every

single video starts

With oral sex.

Really...

Why do you think that is?

Well, because for a woman...

Well, it's because "blow jobs

are like flowers for guys. "

I haven't had flowers since

our wedding.

Yeah, well,

at least you got flowers.

I know.

We could, um, bring a toy

into the bedroom.

Where would we get them?

- I, I have a few.

- A few?!

Oh Horton, you'll love it.

The first time I had an

orgasm with a vibrator

It was like,

it was like seeing color

After years of blindness.

I'm also... um,

I'm curious about this

Whole anal sex thing,

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