Sex After Kids Page #6

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what do you think?

Up the?

You're kidding me, right?

No. No.

It's not just for homosexuals

anymore.

I mean, we could try it.

Pumpkin, aren't

you, like, worried it'll...

We're not spring chickens

anymore,

Things don't snap back

like they used to.

Uh...

I mean, considering what

we've got to work with.

I mean...

You know.

I think...

It's a risk worth taking.

Good job, honey.

Where are you going,

captain?

Shh, go back to sleep.

I have to hoist the jib.

It's the weekend, Sean.

Yeah, I know I just have to

take care of

A few things at the office.

Hey.

Let's have a quickie.

I'm good.

What the hell does that

mean?

Honey. With all due

respect and love,

The other night was the

worst sexual experience

Of my life.

Well...

Let me make it up to you.

No, I'm not in the mood.

You're a guy, Sean. Just...

Get in the mood.

What-What do you expect

me to do?

You want me to get

magically aroused

Every time you want me to?

Oh no.

Should we get, should we

get you some Viagra?

No. That's not the problem.

There's a problem?

Honey, listen...

When we first got together

You were this gorgeous

model and now you...

You're not. You're the...

Mother-house-wife thing.

Which is great,

it's fantastic. It's just...

It's an adjustment.

Don't worry.

House-wife-mother-thing,

my ass.

Ahh!

Ow! F***!

- Do you mind?

- Hey Vanessa... Oh!

Mama!

Yes, he is a Canadian actor,

David,

But he lives in L.A. now

So he doesn't do scale

anymore.

David, hang on, hang on.

Could I call you back,

David?

Call you in a bit.

- You look amazing.

- I know.

- You smell amazing.

- Shut up.

What're you waiting for?

Oh! Oh God.

Oh God, yes!

- Yes, come on!

- Don't!

Oh, no. Not right now.

Not right now.

Very soon, very soon.

Yes! Dammit! F***!

- I got a cramp!

- Work it the f*** out!

Can you tell this guy that we

need 5% on the backend?

Can I go now?

I'm gonna go now.

Okay.

That'll be $500.

Haha, That's cute.

That's cute.

Do I look like I'm being cute?

Something wrong with your

Centurion card?

Pay me my f***ing money.

Oh...

I'm not sure I have 500...

20, 40, 60...

80, 1, 20, 40...

Don't you ever call me

a house-wife again.

Got it?

Okay.

Good.

And I will be expecting

champagne and flowers.

Really.

And...

He's asleep.

It's about f***ing time.

Whoa.

You having a contest with

yourself to see many dishes

You can dirty

to make a single meal.

Yes, I am. And I'm winning.

Hey, I'm washing the dishes

anyway, so just chill.

It's fine. This is what she

does now,

She criticizes every little

thing that I do.

Bleh!

It is delightful.

How is criticism a bad thing

If I'm trying to help you

be a better person?

Oh, wow.

That's not at all

condescending, is it?

You live with this, huh?

I do indeed,

let's change the subject.

I'd like to hear more about

Gage's love life.

- Oh, yes.

- No. No.

How many women

have you slept with

Since you've decided

to find this

Fine, upstanding woman?

Wow. Judge much?

None.

Really?

You realize that we are

substituting sleeping

For f***ing, right?

He's trying to make

a life change,

Let's not rake him

over the coals.

- Thank you.

- Okay what you have to understand if we're a little...

Just hesitant to believe that

you're no longer a man slut.

Just because Gage

Has massive commitment

issues,

And never gives

anyone a second chance...

I thought you

were on my side.

It's coming. Doesn't mean

he can't get his giant head

Out of his ass

and become a better person

For the sake of his child

of all people!

That was it coming?

I think it's awesome.

Thank you!

I just don't really think

that you can do it.

F*** you, look...

Why the hell do I come

over here, my God...

Look...

I just happen

to have met somebody.

And it was actually

in your Moms Group.

- Mom group!

- Mom group!

- Yeah.

- Wow.

And she's a regular

cacophony of issues.

But she's got something,

I don't know.

Anyway, I'm gonna ask her

out on a date, I think.

That's great!

I'll get excited when you ask

her out on a second date.

You know what, Larissa?

People can change, okay.

Yeah, but just because they

can doesn't mean they do.

You know, especially when

you reach a certain age.

Yeah, I'm 22 and I'm

already locked into

Being a bit of a b*tch.

Well, but it suits you.

Do you think so?

- Mhmm.

- Aw.

This is just delightful.

I just want to back up

for a second...

I'm sorry are you saying

that you think that...

Some people can't change?

Cause I...

Or is it just that

maybe the people around them

Can't handle that they just

might have to change

A little bit too?

Okay, you know what,

you're right.

We shouldn't have started

talking about this. I'm sorry.

Why? It was just getting

started.

Yeah, Larissa, we're just

getting started. Come on...

Okay, bye. Thanks you for

this delicious

And slightly awkward

brunch.

- Yes, it was.

- Okay, see ya.

- Bye.

- Bye, sweetie!

They're gone. Kid's still

napping. You wanna...

Screw around?

Are you kidding?

I, I never kid

about screwing around.

How can you have sex with

someone you're pissed off with?

If I let something silly

like that get in the way

I would never get laid.

I'm kidding.

It's a joke. Ha-ha. Funny.

Why do you think

I'm pissed off with you?

Nothing.

I need to wash diapers.

Perfect, I'm just gonna go...

F*** myself then.

Yeah. Have fun.

"Heart Throb"]

Yeah.

I'm heading home.

Mhmm.

I don't care.

I'll call him tomorrow.

Bye.

Hey, hey, sexy. I'm home.

Hey.

I'll put this in the fridge.

# Twinkle, twinkle,

little star

# How I wonder

what you are

# When the blazing sun

is gone,

# When he nothing

shines upon,

# Then you show your little

light,

# Twinkle, twinkle,

# through the night...

Uh, hey.

It's Gage. I was

thinking about you.

You know, the, the other day

at the Mom's Group

I thought you

were really funny.

I just can't stop

thinking about you.

Yeah, I found this

number in my pocket.

And I thought maybe we

could, um,

Take our kids

to the park...

To the library.

There's a new bar in

Riverdale.

Shnitzel, no.

Tea.

It's organic lamb.

Chimichangas?

I don't know what the f***

I'm doing.

Maybe you don't either,

and that would be great.

Peppercorn.

No.

Mushroom?

Oh, come on. Be serious.

Linoleum.

Are you seriously saying

that you're gonna shout out

"Linoleum!" when

you're being molested?

These safe-words'll

get you killed.

Well I don't know, Pey,

I've never done this before.

What word do you use?

Harder.

Harder?

Mhm.

Well, that's a terrible

safe-word.

Why?

Well, what do I say, you

know, if I want it harder?

I don't know... peppercorn?

Oh God.

She asleep?

Yep.

How do you do that?

Something I found on YouTube.

I'm right proud of you, Pey.

Yeah, well... you don't want to

know what I was searching for

Before I found it.

No.

Hi, it's Lou.

I bought this machine used,

So I don't know if it doesn't

work or if no one ever rings me.

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