Sex After Kids Page #7

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Wow. Okay.

Hopefully it's just broken.

Leave a message.

Hey, Lou. It's Gage,

from Mom's Group.

I just, uh, just... just

give me a call when you can.

Or text or e-mail or...

I don't do twitter. Um... bye.

- What do you like?

- Everything.

- Have you been tested?

- Last month.

Have you ever committed

a sex crime?

- Hard to say.

- Why?

Lines are blurry.

- Do you think you have?

- No.

- Do you find me attractive?

- Love the tank-dress.

- Did you bring handcuffs?

- That a deal breaker?

No, got my brother's.

Okay. Mmm.

- Okay. Okay.

- Okay.

Talk dirty to me.

All right. Um.

I'm gonna bang you batty.

I'm going to wrap myself around

your mildewy meat stick!

Mildewy?

Oh, Sorry. I've not,

I've not really done this.

What should I say?

Just tell me you want

my gigantic cock.

Oh, I do.

That's what I want!

I want, I do want that.

I want, I want your gigantic...

It's not really gigantic,

though. Is it?

What do you think we should call

that?

Is this what you're going to be

like this whole time?

No. No, no, no.

Okay. Okay. Here we go. Right.

I want your gigantic cock inside

of my really gaping vagina.

Gaping?

It's not gaping. It's normal.

It's a really normal vagina.

- I just, I thought we were...

- Maybe you should not talk.

- Okay. I can not talk.

- Okay.

Okay.

Are, are you gonna urinate on

me, do you think?

What?

Well, it's okay if you are.

It's just that I have

a little drop sheet.

And you can just

scoot it under me

And then we don't have to get

urine all over the bed.

It's just... my bed.

Is just... that something

you are into?

I don't know.

Do you have to go?

No.

Okay, so it doesn't matter. It's

a completely moot point, innit?

Just, just have your way

with me.

I feel like we kind of lost

momentum here.

Oh, no no.

We didn't. We didn't.

I remember where we left off.

Watch!

I want your gigantic cock

inside of my very normal,

Average,

run-of-the-mill vagina.

I'm gonna go.

Oh, no, no, no. Don't.

No. Wait, wait, wait.

I can do better!

I can! I can do accents!

Put your crazy big penis

inside my vagina.

Wow...

Okay, wait. No no no.

Hang on. Hang on.

I, I... we can role play. Do you

have any fantasies or anything?

I do a very convincing

Margaret Atwood.

I'm Margaret Atwood. I write for

Canada.

Novels. I'm a novel writer.

It's not even close.

Pey?

Peyton?

Are you out there?

Harder...

Harder...

Harder!

Well, I think it's safe to say

You're not very good at the

whole deviant thing.

I tried really hard, Pey.

Oh, I know you did, love.

But...

Surely you know some kind of

normal chap

That doesn't mind having a laugh

and not taking it too seriously.

Well, there is this bloke

in me Mom and Tots group,

Left me a voicemail.

I mean, I could give him a go.

Well, there you have it.

I mean, he sounds like

a bit of a wanker.

But yeah, sure.

Start with him.

I really did try hard.

I know you did.

Oh, shh.

You're all right, sweetie.

She's got a dirty diaper.

No, no. She's hungry.

No, no, no. She's making

the "heh" sound.

Means she's uncomfortable.

If she was making

the "neh" sound - hunger.

It's a sucking reflex.

Hits the roof of your mouth.

Oh, how do you know that?

Oh, I saw it on an Oprah rerun.

You watch Oprah?

Hey, what I do during her nap

time's my business.

Don't judge me.

Shitty diaper.

Told ya.

I really like Oprah.

Oh, my goodness.

This is one seriously

bouncy baby.

Hello. How are you?

Do I get... can I get a little...

Coming in for...

Okay. Hmm? Huh? Hmm? Huh?

Okay, never mind.

Oh!

Ooh.

I like a little kitchen action

here, gorgeous.

Hi. Hi.

Mmm carroty.

I have a plan.

Okay.

We're going to have sex.

Hmm?

- With that?

- Sound good?

Oh my God. I like this plan.

Oh, easy. I need

some me time first.

- Okay.

- Okay?

Okay, so you watch Annie.

If you could finish the dishes

and do the laundry

And then we'll have a go.

Oh, if you could switch the

sheets on the upstairs bed,

That would be fantastic,

actually.

How about forget it?

What?

This is ridiculous.

What? Well, all those things

need to get done.

Yeah, and I'll do them because

I am a member of this family

And it's my responsibility.

Not because you're dangling sex

in front of me

Like I'm a frat boy.

I thought you'd like this idea.

No! I don't, I don't want

thanks-for-changing- the-sheets sex.

I want to be Goddamn romanced.

I don't want to feel

like I had to earn it.

Okay, well, well.

I need to feel relaxed

And knowing that those things

are getting done

Makes me feel relaxed

Well, you know what relaxes me?

Being intimate with my wife.

That bond, okay. And it's

been a year and I miss it.

Is that why you paid

a professional

To tell me

to have sex with you

For a hundred days in a row?

I have been reading

online... okay?

When you breastfeed Annie, it

releases a hormone called oxytocin,

It's basically a love hormone,

so you get to feel connected

To something during that time,

okay?

It's basically, it's like,

As if you were jerking off all

the time.

Okay? So I get it.

I get it why you don't need this

as much as I need it.

But I need it.

Babes...

You know, you know what?

It's me time. Go have me time.

And I will attend to the never ending

cascade of laundry in this house.

Three people live here.

Can you explain how we have so

much laundry?

Is Annie running a speak-easy?

And just other babies

come to town

And they just lose their shirts

playing poker?

Is... are we living on top of an

ancient laundromat burial ground?

Could that be it?

Ooh. Sh*t.

Ahh.

Hello lover.

You look fantastic.

Thank you!

So... how do we start?

Well, I thought we could

take some cues

From some of those videos

that you watched?

Does that mean I get a blow job?

Sex etiquette. Ladies always

come first. Move.

Okay.

It's time for a little

yoddle oddle oddle oddle ooh.

And, surprise...

Uh... hon?

What, what's going on

down there?

It's called a landing strip.

Do you like it?

It, yeah, it's lovely.

I had it done in town.

Wh... what if we run into that

person at the market?

Horton...

I don't want everybody in town

talking about my wife's landing strip.

Horton, you're over-thinking

this. Come on.

Let's get started.

- Okay.

- Okay.

What if the kids

find out about...

Oh, for heaven's sakes.

What is the matter with you?

You have an eager, willing,

and if I may say so,

Very sexy older woman

lusting after you

And hoping that you shower her with

all your wildest desires, honey.

- I'm in.

- Ah, good!

- Okay.

- Okay.

That tickles!

Ooh! Oh wow wow

wow wow wow!

Uh oh! Uh oh.

What? What what what?

My contact lens. Oh, it it.

Don't, don't move

- Where is it?

- Just hold on for a minute.

I can find it.

Okay, there, ah!

- Ahh!

- What?

Ohh. Ohh.

Where... I can't see

a damn thing.

- A flashlight here

- Stay there. Stay there.

- Oh, it's over here.

- More to the left.

- Ooh. Oh honey.

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