Sex After Kids Page #8

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- Wait, it keeps moving around.

I got, I got,

I think I got it.

Oh yeah. Yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah.

- Yes! Yes!

- Yeah yeah yeah. You're there.

- I got... yes!

- You're almost there.

- I got, I think I...

- Whoa!

Oh, I like where you're going

with that, Horton!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Don't stop! Oh, don't stop!

I'm almost there!

Oh, for crying out loud!

Do you realize

how stupid we look?

I mean, grandfathers don't go

poking around for contact lenses

In grandmother's openings.

That's how you see me?

As a grandmother?

I am a sexual being, Horton.

You're a sexual being

with varicose veins.

And you have 50 extra pounds

that you're never gonna lose,

But I still desire you.

You're the one who came to me

complaining about

Our lack of sex.

I know. And I should have left

just well enough alone.

But you didn't.

You opened Dolores' Box

and I'm glad.

I love you, Horton,

and I still have my needs.

The kids are gone and if I do

one more f***ing puzzle...

I'm gonna kill somebody.

Horton, I will not go back

to the way it was before.

It's your call.

Oh, God...

Hey, ready?

For what?

It's date night.

The sitter's downstairs.

Oh uh, pfft. I'm sorry.

I totally forgot.

Oh...

Ten minutes? Or eleven?

Eleven and a half?

Sure.

Awesome.

Um... oh!

Fettuccine Alfredo,

that sounds good. I'll do that.

Really?

You're going to do

dairy and starch?

Um, yeah. So?

It's just not the most winning

of combinations for you.

You were quiet during dinner.

Yeah, I guess I was

just trying to enjoy

Every scrumptious morsel of the

meal you hand picked for me.

Okay, next time I'll let you

feel bloated...

- for the whole night.

- Thank you.

- When we go back you can have...

- Oh God. It's not about the f***ing pasta.

It's that you don't think

I can make

Even the tiniest of decisions.

I don't think that.

Okay, great. Then I get to

decide what time

Our kid takes a nap,

or what snack he eats,

Or what show he watches.

- Now, that's different.

- It isn't!

Yes, it is. I'm with him

more than you are.

You never have to deal with the

fall-out from those kinds of decisions.

I work from home.

I'm there all the time.

And yet you never are.

Oh. Okay. You want me to step up

and assign roles here?

- From now on, I'm the "mom".

- Why?

Because I'm the one who had him.

Wow, you look gorgeous.

Oh, thanks.

Um... I, I brought red.

I hope that's okay.

Oh, yeah! Yeah.

I mean...

I think I might be an alcoholic,

but you know.

Anyway, what's one drink, right?

Come in! Come in. Come in.

Um, I just need a moment, so

just make yourself at home.

- I'll be right back.

- Yeah, sure.

I think I'm going to bunk it up.

Oh, bollocks. You

look great. Just be yourself.

Oh, no. I can't be myself!

Every time I'm myself,

I mess it up!

Do you have a little something?

You know,

to take the edge off, like?

All right,

just the smallest amount.

- Okay.

- All right.

- What is it?

- Valium.

Okay... where did you get it?

Oh, from a mom in the park.

It's for my back.

Huh? What's wrong with your

back?

Spasms. I was f***ing

this wild chick and I...

It helps me get to sleep,

all right?

So you just...

Do I drug myself

to sleep every night? Yes.

We don't have to tell each other

every f***ing thing, all right?

Go down there and have some fun.

- Just on the table?

- Yeah, that'd be great.

- Yeah, thanks.

- Looks delicious.

Oh, thanks.

So you like to cook?

Yeah, well you know,

you learn a thing or two

When all your dates end early.

Heh, you're funny.

Where's your cutlery?

Um! It's in the glass.

I-I mean it's here!

It's right here.

Oh, great.

Oh, no no no. I can do that.

It's, it's...

I already got it.

Oh God. Oh God. Oh God.

Okay! Okay.

I am having a lovely time.

I just want to thank you,

you know?

I-I feel really good around you.

Sorry, I just snotted a little.

Oh, great. Yeah.

But you know, I'm serious.

I-I don't know what it is.

I trust you, you know?

Okay. F*** it. I'm gonna go

for full disclosure here.

I have... I have dated

a lot of women.

That's nice, yeah.

No, it doesn't.

It sucks.

Too many is too many.

I, I always find something

wrong with them,

That's the thing, you know,

and for a long time,

I thought it was them,

but it's not. It's me.

I'm always finding something

wrong with them because

There's something wrong with me.

I'm a self saboteur, you know?

I, I choose women

who are impossible.

They're too young, they're too

crazy, they're too busy,

They don't like kids,

they don't like me,

Like, what the f***?

Anyway...

What was I talking about?

Right...

Everybody makes mistakes.

I make mistakes

all the time.

I've f***ed up a marriage.

I'm probably f***ing up my kid

right now.

No, I am not.

I'm not f***ing up my kid.

I will not f*** up my kid.

Okay.

No, sorry. I usually don't

babble like this

Until, like, my fourth drink.

Uh...

What I wanted to say was,

When I'm with you I just... I

feel like I'm in a safe place.

I think I might have

drugged you.

I mean, nothing really serious.

But just sort of an

inappropriate amount of Valium.

No, no, no.

Pl-please don't do that.

Please, I, I really, I really

think you should lie down.

I think you're

going to pass out.

Why would you drug me?

Well, it just

wasn't meant for you.

It was sort of meant for me.

Why would you drug you?

Well, I just thought it would

be easier, you know?

To what?

Tonight. You know, the whole

night would be easier.

I mean, I realize in retrospect that

was poorly thought through, but I just...

Holy sh*t.

You're f***ing serious.

Yeah...

What did you give me?

Oh, no no no no no.

Oh, please don't leave!

Stay! I'm having a really

lovely time. Please stay.

Stay for what? What, do you got

Rohypnol pudding for dessert?

Oh, God. You know,

it was just a stupid mistake.

And, and you just said

mistakes were all right!

I don't feel so good.

Okay. All right.

Why don't you sit down?

Hmm? Let's sit down, shall we?

Yeah?

Could I get you a drink, maybe?

I mean, not the same drink.

A completely different drink.

Why did you do this to me?

Oh, I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know.

I'm just really lonely

and horny, you know?

I can't really believe I just

said that out loud,

But I am, you know?

I don't really know

what I'm doing.

I'm not a very good mother.

My kid cries herself to sleep

most nights, you know,

But I love her. You know,

I do love her.

I try really hard, but it's all

sh*t, isn't it?

You know, cause you do your best

and nobody cares.

And I don't want some man to just come

and sweep me off my feet, you know.

That's not what I'm looking for.

And I'm not looking for someone

To just come and hop in and out

of bed with me either, you know?

I just want to know someone can

stand to be around me, you know,

The me that I am when I'm not trying to be

the me that I think everyone wants me to be...

Do you know what I mean?

F***! Oh, come on! Wake up!

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