Sex And Death 101 Page #11

No, I wouldn't say that.

I really enjoy your writing.

[stammers softly]

You're right,

these spices do look amazing.

I mean, I've only read the stuff

that gets printed in the paper,

after each incident.

But what was it you spray-painted

after Number Seven?

"My ecstasy, your annihilation."

[Both]

"Our mess, nothing left to transgress."

- That's good.

- [sighs]

But where was I?

Oh! Yes, of course.

Before I could graduate,

I was swept off my feet.

My husband was this, uh--

[deep breath]

everything a girl's

supposed to want, right?

You know. I was his--

his princess.

He was my Prince Charming.

Can I try some of your kale?

- Trade you for that cherry tomato.

- All right.

You don't have to go on

if you don't want to.

No...

It actually feels good

to say the bad out loud.

But when I said

I was his princess,

I wasn't being metaphorical.

[Death Nell]

Every week,

a new princess costume

and a new wig.

"This way, I won't cheat,"

was the charming way he put it.

At first, it was...fun?

But then it wasn't.

It got rough, and I--

[police sirens]

[sirens retreat]

Did he hit you?

Aw...

You know, I've put

over 20 men into a coma.

When you're handing out

that kind of punishment--

[clears throat]

The short answer is yes.

Yeah, he hit me.

And pretty much

every other verb

you could come up with.

But nothing above the neck.

The Princess and the Pirate.

The Princess and the Viking.

The Princess and

the Mongol Warlord.

Occasionally, he'd mix it up

and we'd do

The Sound of Music,

as if the Nazis won.

You know,

it couldn't be a crime.

He was my husband.

I did not complain.

I did not ask questions.

Although, why anyone

would want to treat

Julie Andrews

as a human ashtray...

As far as questions go,

that's a pretty good one.

[laughs]

It did improve my poetry, though.

It gave me a lot of good

material to work with.

God, you're a good listener, man.

You really are.

Oh, God-- oh.

Then came Valentine's Day.

Oh, that was on a good one.

My hopeless situation,

my inability to change.

But all in iambic

pentameter, of course.

- And then...

- [groans]

F--

[thud, clatter, crack]

[thud]

I should have

been happy, right?

They tried everything.

They couldn't wake me up.

They thought

I was in a coma.

And that's when

I had the vision.

[birds chirping]

I had become my own

Prince Charming.

But there was much work

to be done in my kingdom.

Battles to be fought,

wars to be won.

You can pretty much

connect the dots from there.

Costumes, chemistry, poetry,

mutually degrading sexuality,

comas, "men suck."

I don't know how much longer

I can keep running around like this.

It's not like I can't afford it.

I mean, my husband

was Victor Rose IV.

Victor R-- wow.

Small world.

I kind of had a one-night stand

with his grandma.

Granny C?

My story's not

as compelling as yours,

but, uh, exactly a year ago,

I received a list of everyone

I'd ever had sex with

and ever would have sex with.

[stuttering]

I find that very compelling.

I-- I think we should

order dessert.

Raspberry tart?

Two forks?

You think I'm lying?

- You think I'm insane.

- No!

No. I--

And believe me,

I am an expert on both.

But Bambi and Thumper.

Seriously.

The Beyond-Ultimate

Lesbian Power Couple.

- [laughing]

- Yes. What a night.

Ohhh, f***.

[whispers]

F***.

You know, uh--

I'd like to think that I--

I put something

interesting out there

into the atmosphere.

You know?

Just the whole idea of a...

a woman being able

to put a man down like a dog

for being bad, or...

for no reason at all.

[whispers]

I mean, well...

well, women have

had to deal with

the anytime, anywhere

dark impulses of men

forever, so...

God, I thought...

it was time to make the men

shake in their boots

for a while, you know?

I guess...

that's how I--

I rationalized it.

I-- I am gone--

No, that's okay.

We're all gone.

You know, it's--

So many games, names.

Who did you love?

And who did you really love?

Did you break their heart?

Or did they break yours? Or--

You know there's some

real bliss in there somewhere.

And all you're left with is...

[sighs heavily]

exhaustion.

I always liked that word.

Oh, and "depleted,"

"dissipated," and "spent."

Those are good ones.

But "exhaustion..."

sounds like what it is.

And what better cure than sleep?

Lots of sleep.

[paper tears]

I'll get this.

I insist.

Roderick.

Do you mind?

What, do you want me

to take two,

in case the first one

doesn't do the trick?

No!

[whispering stutter]

I was just thinking,

since we're together...

while I'm putting one

in your mouth, you could...

put one...

Oh.

You--

You sure about this?

Yeah.

You know, I'm not gonna lie.

I'm a little flattered.

You should be.

[laughs]

Go back to my room?

Oh, no, no, no.

Not that room.

A different room.

Yeah.

[bells jingle]

[birds chirping]

[Roderick narrating]

So that's it.

The end of my story.

Well, one of my stories.

Mommy! Daddy!

I found a totato for the picnic!

- A totato!

- Totat-- [chuckles]

Boy, you really are

the farmer in the family.

- That's--

- Let's see that.

I think I know what

we're having for the picnic!

- Make some totato soup!

- [laughing]

Buddy, what do you think?

That sound good?

[Roderick narrating]

The story of how I settled down,

how I met my wife.

[chuckles, murmurs]

Of how I learned that sometimes,

what seem to be answers

are really questions in disguise.

The Machine's list

taught me the who,

the what, the where,

and the when

is never as important as the why.

And the why's not all

that important, either.

I want to unmake every bed

That I laid down on

Give back everything I've won

Good days

There'll be

Bad days

I want to unread every book

That my eyes laid on

[Roderick narrating]

If it really is all a game,

sometimes the best

thing you can do

is press the reset button.

I want to unsing every song

Unwrite every line

[Roderick narrating]

For the first time in my life, I am.

I dare not add an adjective--

mature, content, happy.

"I am" is good enough for now.

Life is a lot like death.

It happens to everyone,

whether they like it or not.

The meaning of it all?

Honestly?

Who gives a f***?

I want to unsew every seam

Unwind every clock

Unbreathe every

breath I've made

I want to unset every sun

That my eyes fell on

Till I give back all I've won

Good days

There'll be

Bad days

Good days

There'll be

Bad days

Good days

There'll be

Bad days

Good days

There'll be

Bad days

Burbank, CA

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