Sex And Death 101 Page #10

was on another bus,

but you can't tell me

they let the second group of girls

just transport themselves.

The driver, yeah.

I don't seem to r--

That's funny. The driver...

There's a whole lot of action

going on back here.

Figure I'd get myself a piece.

Now, now, you relax.

You skinny little white girls

ain't tattling on nobody.

F***!

[knocking]

You can't have sex with me!

Roderick, it's me, Trixie.

I'm not going to rape you.

- You know that.

- Just leave me alone.

Get up, you big baby.

Got one word for you:

Qantas.

You are going to Australia.

Your flight leaves in the morning,

so start packing.

You don't get it. I can't escape.

She'll rent a jet ski,

and she'll track me down.

I was on the Net all night.

I found another Gillian de Raisx.

Oh, yeah, that spells

her last name with a--

Yes, with a silent X.

She's a marine biologist

based outside of Sydney.

Oh, this picture.

Which one's the walrus?

She's big-boned

with a healthy appetite

for life, a**hole.

What is-- What is that

on her face?

It's a rash

from her exploration

of the Barrier Reef.

- Ooh.

- Oh, God!

Roderick,

you'd rather die than have sex

with an overweight woman

with a slight skin condition?

But it's--

it's not that slight.

Trixie, I'm sure she's a great--

I got you some books

to read on the plane.

I have underlined some

very good conversation starters.

So help me, if you

do not go Down Under

and seduce this Sheila--

Well, I do like dolphins.

Trixie.

No matter what happens,

thank you for being there.

You're a true pal.

It's good to be a lesbian, isn't it?

Send me a postcard, jerk.

With a koala on it.

Doot-doo doot-doo

doo-doo-doo-doo

Doot-doo doot-doo

doo-doo-doo-doo

Doot-doo doot-doo

doo-doo-doo-doo

Doo-doo-doo-doo

doot-doo-doo doo-doo-doo

Doot-doo doot-doo

doo-doo-doo-doo

[whistling]

Doo-doo-doo-doo

Doot-doo doot-doo

doo-doo-doo-doo

- Doo-doo-doo-doo

- [chop]

[phone twitters]

[twitter]

[twitter]

[beep]

Please don't pork me.

[Fred, laughing]

Hey, if you insist, hot rod.

Listen, the Almighty Oracle

has come through.

We have confirmation

that Death Nell

is going to be down here

at the Mayfair Hotel.

[sigh]

I've entered her room.

Mr. A's not here

at this precise moment,

but her things

most certainly are.

Friends, I've got chills.

Fred, Beta, you guys--

Wait. It's April Fool's Day,

isn't it?

[Alpha]

It's 10 after midnight,

- officially April 2.

- Ha.

Yes, Roderick.

We have quite

a welcoming party

planned for the nasty minx.

Oh.

Oh, this is--

this is amazing.

You don't know

what it's been like.

And I have found the loophole

of all loopholes.

It's not blow jobs,

and it's not hand jobs.

It's exes.

It's ex,

as in ex-girlfriends, all right?

I want-- just-- listen.

Check the names on the list.

Do any names appear twice?

Any doubles? All right, no.

- Then don't tell me...

- [crash]

that you've never hooked up

with some ex-girlfriend

for a little, uh, you know,

"remember when" sex.

No, you're right.

I had sex with Laura Baxter

every time I came

home for Christmas.

And she's only listed once.

And whenever I travel

through St. Louis,

I always stop in on Diana Scott.

We're going to get you

some reelection sex, all right?

I'm talking about

Grover Cleveland poontang.

Go back to Hope, number 80.

What you had was real.

She'll take you back.

Yes. There's Hope.

I've had so many wonderful,

fascinating women in my life.

I've never really been

worthy of any of them.

Uhh! Don't listen to Beta.

Do not listen to him.

He hates boners

and fun, all right?

What you have to do is you got

to find that school bus,

and you got to hook up

with those little Bible brats

numbers 81 through 99,

and maybe give 84 a pass

with the back zits.

- And you just get-- get--

- Sir?

Yes. It's right there.

Get one of them to change

her name to Gillian de Raisx.

And you perfect--

[Alpha]

Stop it.

[sighs] The theories

on the table are adorable.

But Roderick, be cool.

Gillian will be

at the hotel any minute,

and our organization--

well, we don't believe

in trials and arrests.

So I want you

to hang tight,

and do not, I repeat,

do not leave your house.

Okay.

Call you when she's dead.

All right. I'll be here.

Thank you. Good-bye.

[beep]

Ohh...

[sighs]

[sighs]

[Narrating] Did you really think

I was gonna get off easy?

Did you want me to?

I know I promised you

a satisfying ending,

but there will be

no triumphant return

to Fiona, Hope,

or anybody else.

There will be no chasing a cab,

no stopping a wedding,

no tearful reconciliations

on a train platform,

and no morning flights

to Australia.

To escape the sins of

my April 2nd to April 2nd saga

would feel so, so wrong.

Yes, my true destiny

was staying in a hotel downtown.

I was going out with

a lady called Death.

No God or Machine

could help me now.

And that felt so,

so right.

You live by the sword,

you die by the sword.

One sexual position left.

Call it the karma sutra.

The end is coming.

And coming is the end.

We've checked all

the sectors, Fred.

Okay, you know what?

My name is not Fred.

It's Commander Delta.

- It-- just go. In.

- Move.

Excuse me.

Miss Death? Nell?

Or do you prefer Gillian?

I'm not afraid

of you anymore.

[women laughing]

Death Nell's alive

and inside us.

[mocking laughter]

Look at him!

He's so scared!

Aww!

[hooting, mocking]

Oh, where you going?

Come back, ladies' man!

[hooting, mocking]

[panting]

Whew...

[Gillian] Well, you caused

quite a commotion out there.

Is there something

you wanted to tell me?

Tell you? No. I, uh--

Oh.

Hi.

Agents.

There's agents staked out

at your hotel.

In your room.

Thanks.

You know I'm not innocent, right?

Yeah.

Can I-- Can I join...

[menus slam]

Wow.

This, uh, place is amazing.

You know, I'm kind of

in the business.

I've never heard of it.

Yeah, I just discovered it

the other night.

There are not a lot of places

in this town that stay open late.

Yeah.

- Do-- You know, I--

- I-- Well--

[clears throat]

Sorry.

- You go.

- No, you go.

You know, this is--

this is strange for me.

I've never had

a volunteer before.

Some guys will do

anything to get laid.

[laughing]

Uh-oh.

This has a...

a grape aftertaste.

And you do realize that

I can't guarantee when or--

or even if you'll wake up.

Yeah. No, I understand.

[silverware clatters]

[sighs]

You mind if I ask you--

you tell me

if this is too personal,

but, uh...

how did you get here?

You know, in the larger sense?

It's not like I'm gonna

be telling anyone

for an indefinitely

long period of time.

[chuckles]

I don't know.

I don't--

I'm not gonna talk

about my childhood.

You know?

'Cause that's not what--

My childhood wasn't any better

or worse than anyone else--

Oh, well, okay.

It was a little worse.

But, uh-- but I escaped.

That's where I studied

poetry and chemistry.

Obviously better

at the latter than the former.

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