Sex And Death 101 Page #9

bed and breakfast up there.

Oh, my God.

We could just sleep late,

on the day I don't

have to work, of course.

But you could just

hang out all day.

You can walk around naked

in the backyard.

There's nobody there,

it's off-season.

[Narrating]

Hope Hartlight didn't really vanish

into thin air like that.

It took a couple of weeks.

How could being the answer

to all my problems

not be enough?

If a friend of mine had

been going out with Hope,

I'd be so proud of him.

Guess that's the problem.

I'd be proud,

but I wouldnt be jealous.

And a man would rather have

another man's jealousy

than another man's respect.

Man, hate to say

that one out loud.

Okay.

So, maybe Hope wasn't

the hottest piece of pie

you've ever been with,

but Roderick,

I was so proud of you.

Us married guys are taking a lot

of heat over this one, big guy.

It seems that you broke some

"messing with the feelings

of a woman over 35" covenant.

I thought we agreed we weren't

going to do an intervention.

No, we agreed we wouldn't use

the word "intervention."

- Of course it's an intervention.

- Okay.

Poor Rod, still under the illusion

that out there walking around

is the perfect girl, just for him.

[Announcer]

News break! This just in.

The woman known to

the world as Death Nell

has apparently left

her driver's license

at the site of her latest attack.

It is the break in the case

investigators have been hoping

and praying for all year.

And now, Channel Nine gives you

an exclusive first look

at this dramatic license.

If you're just joining us,

Death Nell seduced and sedated

misogynist shock jock D.J. Harry Hunt

during a commercial break

on his morning drive-time program.

I appreciate everyone's

concern here.

I, um...

Hello?

Hey, Trixie, turn that up.

Did they really catch

that satanic succubus?

No, and the word's

"freedom fighter."

- Can we go in closer on that license--

- Let me guess.

I'm gonna bet that

her real name is not Death Nell!

This is some intervention.

Gillian De Raisx.

That name again, folks,

Gillian De Raisx.

Death Nell is Gillian De Raisx.

[Narrating]

Gillian De Raisx. The X is silent.

It was a name that sounded familiar.

And when a name sounded

familiar, it usually meant...

Okay, this wasn't happening.

I know what you're thinking.

Surely I would have memorized

the last name on the list.

Not to put too fine

a point on it, but why?

No one wants to think about

the last name on the list,

because the last name

on the list means...

What did you say to him?

Where's he going?

[laughing]

Fred!

Oh, man, it's kind of funny.

It's not like she's the next one.

She may not be the next one,

but she sure as hell is the last one.

Hey, there's got to be

another woman on the planet

whose name is Gillian De aisx.

With her last name

spelled with a silent X?

- I don't think so.

- Calm down.

Gillian de Raisx may not be

the Gillian de Raisx.

As you can see,

the machine is closing in

on the one known as Death Nell.

The timelines have been

just a little off, but--

Oh, great.

More coordinates.

At this rate, I'd say

a couple of weeks from now

by the end of March,

the Oracle will tell us

where Gillian de Raisx is staying

at the precise moment

she's staying there.

Now, I'm assuming,

Mr. Blank,

that you can hold off from

having sex with how many?

- Twenty.

- Twenty.

Twenty different women

in the next two weeks.

Hey, I've had sex with three women

in my entire life--

none if you don't count paying for it.

I could live off 20 women.

Now, we can tell you

not to have sex,

but you have to go beyond that now.

You have to take your mind

to a whole other realm.

Read a book you've

always wanted to read.

I find model airplanes

can be an exacting

but ultimately rewarding--

Model airplanes are great,

but I got to go back

to the blow jobs.

Fred. Not constructive.

How do you feel about biking?

[chuckle]

I can't believe these are

the kind of conversations

I've become a part of.

He's still in torment.

Give him one.

One what?

Ah, yes, yes.

Our aforementioned Oracle,

while rather erratic

in capturing criminals,

has come up with the answers

to some of our culture's

most significant mysteries.

And I think we can

give you one of them.

Any of the biggies?

Okay, uh, who killed

Nicole Simpson and Ron Goldman?

- You're kidding.

- Yeah, I'm kidding.

Let me see.

Let me see.

How about who really shot JFK?

Oh, pick another one.

It takes, like, 20 minutes to print out.

Okay, life on other planets.

How many planets

in the universe have--

- [Alpha] Eleven.

- Eleven? That's it?

That's it. How many

more do you want?

Wait a sec.

Does God exist?

Cut it out. You only get one.

Please.

You guys are mean.

You don't want to be in L.A.

on July 4th weekend.

Beta, enough.

[claps hands]

There are 20 human shields

between you and Miss de Raisx.

Be conservative.

Don't use up any of them

until we catch the villainess.

And remember...

a new realm of existence.

A new realm of existence.

No sex...

no death.

Good luck.

['60s rock]

On my own again

Oh, oh

On my own again

Oh, oh

On the move again

[sigh]

I need to be

On my own again

I want to be

On my own again

Yay!

Whoo!

[crash]

[crash]

[Lester, reading]

"I never believed the wild and lascivious

letters in your magazine

were true until now."

"My best friend was cycling upstate

"when his bike hit a pothole,

"sending him head over heels.

"Lucky for my buddy,

a bus on its way

"up to an 'Up With Jesus'

jamboree, stopped,

"and the students of

a nondenominational Idaho Bible college

"lifted his dazed, bruised body

"and put it in the middle

of the aisle.

"He thought they were

going to help him.

"Instead, they helped themselves.

"Among the girls of the bus,

"there had been much talk

of the albatross

"of not having lost one's virginity.

"My friend's appearance

on the road

"was taken as a sign.

"A pact was made.

"Everyone's virginity must go,

"and he would be the chosen vessel.

"All virgins.

"All 18-year-olds.

"Uniforms.

"Nineteen 18-year-old

virgins in uniforms.

Straws were drawn,

and first up was Mona Farlow."

F***. F***!

F***.

F***, f***, f***.

F***, fuckity,

f***, f***, f***.

F***.

F***. F***!

"It was a day my friend

would never forget."

Any changes

before we mail it in?

Please stop. I can't take it.

I'm curious.

Was there a lot of blood?

Sorry. Never mind. Wow!

- The ultimate male perversion.

- God!

You can die now.

Well, that seems

to be the problem.

Have I told you all

the good news?

I'm getting married.

The lucky gal's name

is Ethel Walters.

I hope you can all

make the wedding.

Ethel Walters?

Do we know her?

I don't know. Do you?

I really need to get in touch

with her right away.

Does the name ring a bell

with anyone?

Maybe you should

lie back down.

Hey, you know what?

Where was the driver

in all this?

Because I get that

the church group chaperone

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes