Sex And Death 101 Page #8

I want to cradle her

in my arms,

I want to make the kind of love

where you feel

as though you're one

living, breathing...

You really think

she might go down on me?

Death Nell has just put to sleep

an entire fraternity in Fresno.

Eight members.

Death Nell?

What do you guys do

for a living again?

It's the double-digit rule.

When a serial killer hits ten victims,

we get called.

No, I'm still getting details.

Apparently...

Well, apparently it was

the same frat house

that was acquitted last year

for manufacturing

the date rape drug.

[all hooting]

[Alpha]

D.N. put her own drug in the keg.

Is that amusing to you, Roderick?

No, I'm just checking

my messages.

The almighty machine's rep's

about to take another hit.

[beeps]

[Miranda] They love the concepts,

they love the drawings,

they-- they're going

to publish the book!

Rod, I owe you so, so, much!

There's no way

we are not celebrating tonight.

Okay? So I'm going

to be at your place,

I so love you.

You're a very lucky man to have

found such a soulmate, Mr. Blank,

but unfortunately--

It's in her voice!

You don't even need

the bizarro list.

She doesn't think of you in--

[sighs]

Roderick...

I'm certain that some

very interesting things

will occur this evening.

Your penis going into her vagina

will not be one them.

[chuckles]

But have a lovely evening.

Gentlemen, I'd love

to stay and chat,

but I got a date with a lady.

I don't think he's even seen her naked.

[knocking at door]

Hey!

Author!

Author!

Thank you.

J.K. Rowling, eat sh*t.

I'm so sorry I'm late,

it's just--

It's been crazy.

But I told everyone that

we'd meet them at the bar.

- It's my treat, for once.

- Everyone?

I thought tonight

was between you and--

I made pesto.

You did.

That's so sweet,

but Rod, we gotta go out.

We're celebrating!

My brother and the two Jessicas,

they're already there,

but you know what,

it's no big deal.

- Hey, hey, just relax.

- Listen, if you-- what?

Let's just hang for a bit,

you know, a little pre-party.

Dude, I thought

we were past this.

No?

Miranda, I know you once said

you weren't attracted to me,

but that was before

we went on the camping trip.

That was before I loaded

the graphics program into your laptop.

- Before--

- Why is it that men think that women--

women are like these giant

thermometers at those telethons,

where every time you do

something nice for them,

they get a little redder,

and a little redder,

and a little redder,

and a little redder,

and when you hit the top,

we have to f*** you?

That is not funny!

Sh*t!

Okay, I'm sorry.

All right, just slip on down here,

just do a little clean-up.

Hey, what are the five

scariest words a woman can say?

- I wanna be--

- Just friends.

You know, it's like

some bad stand-up routine.

Just? Just.

Do you know how

important it was for me

to make one real friend

in this city?

I would die for you.

Who do you think

I'm dedicating my book to?

My insane parents?

"To Roderick Blank, my friend."

[sighs]

Nice celebration.

- [gasps]

- [crashing]

[crunch]

Oh, Miranda.

Man, that is one tough break.

Girlfriend finds out her little book's

getting published and then...

It's terrible.

Not my girlfriend.

For what it's worth, from our end,

we're satisfied the death

was just an accident.

[whispers]

Just--

Excuse me, officer,

I wanted to give

Mr. Blank the opportunity

- to say goodbye to his girlfriend.

- Not my--

Can I be alone with her?

Miranda.

Oh, precious Miranda.

You know, I never wanted this.

I-I only wanted--

They said that we could never,

never ever be together.

But hey,

we're gonna have the last laugh,

are we not, my love?

[Narrating]

Okay, now that I think about it,

maybe this is where

the madness set in.

Yes, I know,

my beacon of light.

This is sad,

this is desperate,

this is disgusting,

but aren't all revolutions?

We have to stand up to the list.

Stand up to the machine.

Stand up to fate.

Stand up, soldier.

Oh, come on, stand up.

Oh, let it out, Mr. Blank.

It's okay. Let it out.

You poor, sweet man.

You poor, sweet, handsome man.

Oh, shh...

It's okay.

[Narrating]

Sorry.

Believe me, I'd hoped it was

a dream sequence, too.

If it makes you feel any better,

my tale has a satisfying ending.

But this isn't it.

It's only number 67.

[Crowd]

Six, five, four,

three, two, one,

Happy New Year!

[champagne cork popping]

Nobody has said

"Happy New Year" to you.

Thank you. Roderick Blank.

Ester Fenchel.

But your friends call you Terry.

[laughs]

No, but that's strange

because that's

my husband's name, Terry.

Nice tie.

- [champagne cork popping]

- [cheering]

Just leave the bottle.

Gentlemen, I give you the Matador.

Oh! No!

Not the prototype!

[Narrating]

Eating and starving,

and eating and starving.

I was told to take some time off,

to get away from it all for a while.

But there was no escape.

I had noticed a lot

of French, German,

and Italian names on the list,

so I dutifully booked

passage to Europe.

Hearing of all

the magnifique women,

my friends concluded

that I had had

the greatest vacation

of all time.

I'm glad they enjoyed it.

[clears throat]

Good evening.

You have to f*** me,

so come over and f*** me.

No dinner.

Do you have a pen?

Let me give you directions.

[Woman]

Ew!

[beeps]

[phone twittering]

Hello.

Oh, star 69.

Yes, it was a crank.

I'm sorry.

Your mother picked up?

Fainted?

-Yes.

- Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

[laughing]

Why are you laughing?

[Narrating]

In my own feeble way,

I had tried to defy the list.

But once again,

the list knew what it was doing,

what I was doing.

But guess what.

I was about to meet a woman

that was the answer

to all my problems.

- Hope?

- Amber Anne.

Roderick?

I've been trying for years

to get a rise out of my mother.

You did it in five seconds.

Name your poison.

[Narrating]

Hope Hartlight was the author

of a best-selling self-help book.

I found her to be

warm, compassionate,

and a little old.

So I wasn't attracted

to Hope Hartlight.

It's not like I was going to get out

of having sex with her.

So, to her surprise,

I asked her out again,

figuring we'd eventually

accidentally end up having sex,

and I could move on.

But a funny thing happened.

Hope listened.

Hope guided.

Hope was literature

after ten months of pop-up books,

chess after ten months

of checkers.

You're a chapter 17.

May she spring eternal--

As for my friends,

what do you think?

Hope was an Earth-mother goddess,

put down here to save

the sinner's soul.

If you let her go,

I'll bring her back.

You know, you strike me

as the kind of guy

who would make fun

of a one-month

anniversary celebration.

You've changed me.

You've healed me.

That's a really

beautiful thing to say.

Thank you.

You know, I've got

that book signing

next week in Vermont.

I'm thinking maybe

you should come with me.

They've got a terrific

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