Sex And Death 101 Page #7

A woman who likes

Caddyshack.

[Miranda]

Who wouldn't like Caddyshack?

[Roderick]

Favorite porno? One, two, three.

[laughing]

[Roderick narrating]

All those tingling thrill-of-the-pursuit

feelings came flooding back.

So then came wish three.

I said I wanted

a pumpkin as a head.

[laughing]

Sure, I had the whole

"Dr. Mir" thing,

from my peek at the list, to clue me

into where Miranda and I were heading.

But this would be

more than a romance.

More than a mere

checking-off of a name.

This would be love.

Why rush the sex?

- Okay.

- All day, people wheel

and take back

the carts in the front.

And this poor bastard

in the middle

- probably hasn't been pushed in months.

- Tragic.

It's tr-- you know what?

It is. Help.

You know, you say you've been looking

for an idea for a children's book.

How about all these

inanimate objects of yours?

The spoon that never gets used.

The missing sock that

reunites with his twin.

The multi-CD player that

tragically gets turned off

seconds before proudly finishing

a five-disc shuffle.

[chuckles]

That's so it.

Yes, it is.

Roderick...

I've been looking

for you all my life.

You're the best!

Come on. Get out.

[Roderick narrating]

Okay. The cheek thing had thrown me a bit.

But there's nothing

like a warm kiss

coming after a delicious

home-cooked meal.

Compliments to the chef.

- Hmm.

- [laughing]

- Yup. I was back in the kitchen.

- Yeah?

And the chef thinks

you're pretty great, too.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm just-- just not--

- No, no, no, no. It's okay.

- I'm just feeling--

Just relax. It's okay--

- No, Roderick.

- It's all right.

[sighs]

I adore you.

I do.

I'm just...

screwed up about sex.

Ah, it's okay--

I mean, you're handsome.

Devilishly so,

if you must know.

[both laughing]

It's just... you so remind me

of the guy my mom went out with,

after the divorce, Rockin' Randy.

He ran the surf shop.

And he was a cross

between you and Bam-Bam

from The Flintstones.

Listen, okay, look.

I'm not saying nothing's

ever gonna happen between us.

I'm not saying that. I'm just--

I'm just saying

if it's gonna happen...

it's just gonna happen.

- [whispers] Yeah.

- Right?

Yeah.

Really, why worry about it?

You're the best.

I'm gonna clean up.

You can pick out another DVD.

Something funny.

[smooch]

[wind blowing]

[Narrating]

I guess you could say

that's when the madness set in.

Thanks.

So Miranda and I went to

the Fellini retrospective yesterday.

Oh, she said the coolest thing.

- If Marcelo were alive--

- Have you f***ed her yet?

What is with that question?

Have you f***ed her yet?

Have you f***ed her yet?

Son...

have you f***ed her yet?

[Man]

Yo, Rod, have you f***ed her--

- [beeps]

- [Man #2] Hey, have you--

[answering machine

messages repeating]

Let me tell you something.

Miranda and I are building

a bond of trust and respect.

Excuse me for still believing

that love is something

more than a sloppy

fusion of genitalia.

Miranda, we need

to discuss something.

- I--

- Oh, sh*t.

- Sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.

- You okay?

Hide me.

No, just hide me.

Sure.

There's

a Frida Kahlo-looking dude.

No, no, right--

Oh, no, I got it.

I met him at this Halloween

Poe poetry reading thing.

I can't believe

I slept with him.

I was wasted.

Halloween, two weeks

ago Halloween?

[Miranda] I told you,

I'm totally screwed up about sex.

Screwed up about sex?

Screwed up about sex?

It's more like you're screwing.

That's funny.

Come on, let's go

somewhere else.

Bam-Bam.

[Narrating]

Back in the day,

if a woman didn't have

sex with you it was okay,

because it wasn't like she was having sex

with anyone else.

Where is that whore-b*tch

Jane Austen when you need her?

I chose to remember

the good times.

The way Miranda

made you feel

like you were the only

one in the world.

That time she read

my slaughterhouse reform bill.

[neck cracks]

It's wonderful, just wonderful.

[Roderick narrating] But then there was

that next day at lunch.

How was that salad for you?

Oh...

[neck cracks]

Wonderful, just wonderful.

And in conclusion, yeah,

go ahead, crucify me,

but I refuse to live in a society

that has reduced the world

to the question,

"Have you f***ed her yet?"

[Both]

That would be a no.

I don't even think

he's seen her naked.

[all laughing]

[belches]

- Oh...

- [neck cracks]

Wonderful, just wonderful.

What the f***?

I'm not saying nothing's

ever gonna happen between us.

Doctor...

Mir-- hah!

That's what I'm talking about.

Yes, Dr. Mirabella Stone!

No! No!

No!

[buzzer]

Don't mock me.

Miranda told me

she was coming out

of a bad relationship.

And no one has ever had sex

coming out of a bad relationship.

Oh, we're moving way too fast,

I'm not feeling well.

If someone wants

to have sex with you,

they'll have sex with you.

The rest is just dinner theater.

So that's it. The machine.

Oh, no, the machine is much--

Sure. The wall has a connection.

Thing's going to be

the death of me.

Oh, come on, cheer up,

droopy drawers.

I mean, look on the side

of the bright.

Even if you went down

to a tropical island, all right?

The remaining 34 chicks

on this list

would be renting jet skis

to zoom down there

and party with you

whether you liked it or not.

I don't like it.

I don't want other women.

I want Miranda!

I've been a good

sport with this thing.

There was a little weirdness

at the beginning,

but I went with the flow.

I sabotaged a wedding,

I lost deposits,

I toyed with a lot

of people's feelings,

including my own,

but I didn't care.

I care now.

I have found someone

that touches me

down to my marrow.

And if you think that

some contraption is gonna--

You know, you know--

sometimes love is stronger than--

No, it's not!

I was so proud of you when you...

were burying the list in the backyard.

Horoscopes, psychics,

Tarot cards,

coming attractions that

give away the whole movie.

Why must you people

know everything?

That's a good point, Alpha, sir.

Remember when you said

the machine was a mystery?

That could mean that there's

some kind of kink or flaw,

something that

we don't know about--

Stop thinking about

the machine, Mr. Blank.

It's progress.

There's nothing

you can do about it.

Science and technology

don't care whether we live or die.

- [high-pitched tone]

- [beep]

Excuse me.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

The solution's been right

in front of us the whole time!

What, what is it?

Blow jobs.

Blow jobs!

Oh, man, what a loophole.

All right, sex is work.

Is she having a good time?

Am I meeting her needs?

You got to think

about her feelings,

but with a blow job,

you just lie back,

every now and then touch

the back of her head

if you think she's getting tentative.

I mean, seriously, if someone

gives me an intercourse buffet,

or just a blow job on a stick,

I'll take blow job

on a stick, dude.

No, you people--

you people are sick.

I've given my heart to Miranda.

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