Sex And Death 101 Page #6

- [whimper]

- [sighs]

What time do you have to

be down at the new location?

Trixie?

Hey, I'm sorry about last night.

If it makes you feel any better,

it was the most

traumatic night of my--

Okay, well, it wasn't all bad, but...

I'm sorry. It's always been a fantasy

to be with two women at once.

You know, lesbians,

rock stars, astronauts.

Okay, maybe not astronauts.

But you know, sexy female

space travelers.

You're giving the finger

to the intercom box, aren't you?

- [screaming, struggling]

- [Roderick] I know. I know.

I lied about 'em

being on the list.

The list. Damn it!

Don't get me wrong,

a piece of paper that tells me

whether or not

I'm gonna get lucky,

you're not gonna say

anything bad about, but...

it's-- it's like...

watching a tape

of a football game,

and you know your team wins.

It's not unenjoyable,

but can it really compare

to watching the game live,

and they're going for it

on the fourth down?

- And you don't know if--

- Sports metaphors...

aren't my thing.

But it sounds like you're going for

"The thrill of the pursuit

is more exciting than the conquest."

I can't help it!

I mean, I see the name,

I want to find her and meet her,

so I can cross her out,

and I can get to the next name.

I'm not in control

of my own destiny.

That may be true.

But you're not

supposed to know that!

You're meddling with

the primal forces of nature.

I mean, my God.

Am I on the list, too?

- [laughing]

- I mean--

Ah. Whew.

[chuckling]

You got scared

there a little, didn't you?

- Oh, you were more scared.

- Yes.

Trixie?

What if I were meant

to be with these women,

no matter what?

What if you were meant

to bury the list,

and calm the heck down?

You know...

if we bury the list, guess what?

You were meant to bury the list.

Live your life.

Whatever happens, happens.

[grunting]

You know, it's a sheet

of paper, not a body.

- Sheet of paper, not a body!

- [groans]

Yeah. It's time.

- Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho.

- Breathe.

Breathe, Roderick!

Yeah! Breathe!

Yes, I have deleted

all remnants of the list

on my hard drive.

But remember, oh weak one, we are

putting a tulip to mark this spot.

If you wuss out, we will dig it up.

- Wait. One more name?

- Oh, Rod!

- Please?

- [snorts]

Couple of letters

I'm gonna give ya.

Dr. Mir--

Please, one more letter.

What's that gonna make?

One letter-- no!

Don't grab it!

Mir-- Mir--

- One more letter!

- That's it!

We're ready!

[struggling, whooping]

I'm starting to take

a liking to Trixie.

I think she's

a very good influence.

It's not gonna happen, Beta.

You can't bury

something that precious.

[sighs] Death Nell took

her tenth victim last night.

- Hm?

- That double-digit rule.

When a serial killer

hits ten, we get called.

We-- Like we don't have

enough on our plate?

I thought she only did comas!

Not last night.

But on the side of the bright,

home base says the machine

has taken an interest.

No way he's really doing it!

-Ready?

- Quick. Before I change my mind.

Way to go, Roderick.

Way to go.

[chuckles]

[Zack]

Rod, you're missing this.

They crossed into our territory.

We could lose this.

I know. Isn't it exciting?

[Zack]

If we blow it again in their red zone,

it's gonna leave a bad

taste in my mouth.

That's what your boyfriend

said last night.

- Hey...

- Lester, what are you feeding your turtle?

Ugh. Anything that

will make him sick.

I'm sorry, Skippy.

But Daddy's gotta see

that veterinarian.

What?

This is nothing!

I saw this freak in a parking lot

try to shove a bottle opener

in a Great Dane's ass,

just to get an

emergency appointment.

Are you talking about

the vet over on Vera Donna?

- Oh...

- Lizzie threatened to put Mr. Whiskers to sleep

if I went near that place again.

- She is so pretty.

- Mmm.

But not in like a, "I'm a model,

don't f***ing look at me" way.

- And she's just so smart and funny.

- Yes.

And you know what I love about her?

My favorite thing.

- The way she cracks her neck.

- Mmm-mm-mm.

- What about that silver anklet of hers?

- Ohh...

You know, if you can't

make it to the clinic,

you should try the gym

on Wednesday,

or Trader Joe's on Thursday.

- Well, I do like Trader Joe's.

- Yeah.

It's all on the

Dr. Miranda Storm website.

Yeah, it's a website.

I've been there.

It's put together by one of these

real stalker geek types.

Oh, thank God

you're not one of those.

Ladies, we've got

a football game going on here.

Enough talking about

the X chromosome.

Especially the almighty

Dr. Miranda--

Dr. Mir--

Is he smirking?

You're smirking.

Why is Rod smirking?

[Roderick]

Interception!

- [crowd roars]

- You see it?

[all yelling at once]

I told you!

I told you!

Yes! Oh, yes!

[laughing]

[sighing]

Phew. Perfecto.

I can still make Miranda's

She orders a...

[in unison]

Macchiato with extra foam.

I could use some caffeine myself.

I'll come with.

No, you're not getting anywhere

near her, Midas Dick.

Fine. I'll go to Deitrich's, then.

I got work to do, anyway.

Please, Rod.

Just this one time,

don't seduce this--

- [squish]

- [all yelling]

- Oh, diarrhea! Yes!

- [laughing]

[cracking]

[clears throat]

You always carry

a bottle opener?

This little guy?

He's been through a lot.

I quit my job today because

of this bottle opener.

Not-so-great day.

Long story.

[sets down opener]

Why were you staring at me?

Oh, don't worry, Doc.

I'm not one of your stalkers.

If I were, I'd be at Starbucks

about now, wouldn't I?

You've seen the website.

No. I've--

I've heard about it.

I've heard about you.

Really. Well, you missed out.

It's quite good.

It's got great graphics,

challenging quizzes.

It's obviously caused me

to rearrange my rituals.

[deep breath]

You're not gonna use

your spoon, are you?

[mouths word]

[chuckles]

Okay. The bottle opener,

I'm gonna let slide.

But the spoon?

Start talking.

A place like this,

it gives you a knife,

a fork, a spoon,

wrapped in a napkin.

Now the knife,

the fork, the napkin,

they all get used.

Most cafe items,

they don't call for a spoon.

But that little guy, he gets thrown

in the washing machine,

over and over,

time and time again.

Without a sense of worth.

Not only compassionate

to furry creatures,

but inanimate objects as well.

There's gonna be some fun

in the chat room tonight.

You're doing it again.

That funny, charming

staring thing.

It's not unpleasant.

[chuckles]

But you should know that I...recently got out

of a very bad relationship, so I'm--

Yeah, I just got out of

a lot of bad relationships.

I promise I won't

fall in love with you

as long as you promise you won't

fall in love with me.

Oh, I promise.

Favorite Vonnegut.

One, two, three.

[Both]

Cat's Cradle.

Favorite Dylan.

One, two, three.

[Both]

Nashville Skyline.

Funniest movie ever made.

One, two, three.

- Some Like It Hot.

- Caddyshack.

Oh. Guys in dresses.

That's really reinventing

the wheel there, Roderick.

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